Only Friends

Chapter 43 - Break

Obviously, I was ecstatic that Jill had won the final. I wanted her to win. I knew she needed it - for herself and her team. Although I knew something wasn't right. Something felt wrong in my head, and my heart. I couldn't go on with this feeling without telling her. I had had my first panic attack in years, and I can't ignore that. I can't ignore the fact I was nearly going to do what I spent so long trying not to.

The after game celebrations were crazy. The girls partied all through the night, so ecstatic to have won the final of the Euros. There were some very cute photos which popped up on my feed when I woke up the next morning. There was an Instagram photo, of Jill and Viv, on the Dutch national teams Instagram account. Jill, who had just played a game of football, looked gorgeous, with her hair in a pineapple bun with two braids going into it. I love when she wears her hair like that.

I also saw some more intimate videos on the girls' close friends Instagram stories. Jill had posted a video of her and Daan chugging two beers, and Viv had a photo of Daan on Jill's back, screaming into the air. I'm glad she had fun, she deserved it.

When Jill arrived home after their win and celebrations, I was waiting for her at the apartment. She walked through the door with a huge grin beaming on her face, and the disgust I felt for what I was about to do, flowed through me. I had no plan. All I was going to do was tell her how I felt. How the pit in my stomach and the anxiety in my head was too much.

"Hey!" she said, coming through the door, picking me up and hugging me tightly. She spun me around, obviously elated after winning.
"Hi," I replied, smiling a soft smile.
"How are you feeling?"
"So tired," she replied.
"I can imagine."
She had a shower before putting on her pyjamas and retreating to the couch. I watched her, lying on the couch, eyes focused on the screen.

"Jilly?" I said, while standing at the door frame looking at her. It was around midday so the sun was still out. It was a nice day in London, with no rain nor clouds.
"Yeah?" She replied.
"We probably should talk." I said this so solemnly and seriously, I knew she was worried.  I was worried. I didn't know how this conversation would go.
"Okay, what about?"
"I don't know how I should say this," I said, earnestly.
"Say what?" I took a breath.
"I had an incident a few nights ago, before your final."
"What kind of incident?" I paused for a second, before continuing.
"I nearly hurt myself again." She stared at me, shocked. She gestured for me to go over to her, but I didn't. I stayed where I was.
"Why didn't you say anything? Are you okay?" At this point, she stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me to the couch before I could reply.
"I don't know."
"What is it about? Do you know?"
"I don't know. Everything really. I feel as if I am holding you back."
"What?" She replied, with a confused expression on her face, "What do you mean?"
"I mean," I said getting up, after only a few seconds sitting down, and pacing in front of the tv, "I feel like I am holding you back, from everything. It's making me nervous, and stressed. You should have left Arsenal last season, but only stayed because of me. And now, you have this amazing opportunity at Wolfsburg and I don't want you to be thinking of me and everything. I want you to be living in the moment. I can't have that pressure on me."
"There's no pressure on you. I can still be living in the moment and thinking about you. I'll always be thinking of you," she said confused.
"No, you can't," I replied, strictly, "You need to be thinking about yourself."
"You're my girlfriend, Indi!"
"But you can't be always worrying about me!"
"What are you saying?" Although I didn't know that the conversation would end up like this, I knew it was the smartest thing to do.
"I need you to go, without me. I need you to find yourself, without me. Heck, I need to find myself." Tears formed in her eyes, and mine.
"But I want to be with you," she replied but I shook my head. At this point, we were both crying, our faces red and splattered with tears
"You need to get out of your comfort zone," I said to her, going over to her and sitting at her legs. I grabbed her hand and lifted her chin to look at me. "I need you to go to Germany and find yourself, without me. Can you do that for me?" She nodded her head, tears streaming down her face. "While you are there, I can do the same for me. We both need it Jilly, I know we do."
"But do we, Indi? Because all it feels like is you telling me what I should be feeling!" She started to get angry, I could tell. I let go of her hands, and moved away slightly.
"Fine," I said back to her, "then do it for me. I need you to let me find who I am again. Last time I lost who I was, I nearly fucking killed myself. Please, do this for me." She stared at me, heartbroken. She knew my history, and my past, but never of my attempt.
"Are you feeling this way because of me?" She asked, her face going red with sadness.
"It's not because of you, Jilly, of course it's not. It's about me nearly doing bad things again because I was so stressed out and I have been so on edge and I can't deal with it. Okay? I can't fucking deal with all this crap anymore. I need to take time and figure it all out." 
"Inds, I don't want this to happen though."
"You think I do? I don't want this to happen, but I need it to. We need it to." I started to pace around the room again at this point as she sat on the couch, staring at me.
"Okay," she replied, "so what is the plan? We break up and I leave London?"
"When you fucking say it like that it sounds fucking horrible. For fucks sake, Jill." When I get angry, my swearing goes a little over the top. It's the Australian in me.
"Indi stop swearing," she said, seriously.
"Sorry."
"But that's what you want right? To break up?"
"I need us to find space. And then we can find each other again."
"So we're breaking up?"
"Yeah, I guess we are."
"So, nearly two years, and just like that, it's over?" I looked at her blankly, realising we were coming up to our two year anniversary. "Indi, sometimes I feel as if I have no say, in anything. It feels like I don't even know who you are. You have kept all these secrets from me about your past and I understand but it's been two years. Two years."
"Jill," I said, seriously, "watch what you are about to say before you do something you'll regret." She held her tongue after I said this, running her hands through her freshly washed hair.
"It's true though, Indi. It's true." She put her head in her hands, as I continued to stand in front of the tv, leaning against the cabinet.
"That would've come with time, Jill. I'm sorry I can't be the person you want me to be."
"Indi, I love you, for you. You are my person. But, sometimes it feels as if you know everything about me and I know nothing about you."
"Jill, you know a lot fucking more than most."
"Indi, stop with the swearing. I'm serious."
"It's not like you don't swear," I said, irritated, but she ignored this comment.
"I am your girlfriend, I should know more. You know what, Inds, I was settled and I was happy. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Why are we even doing this?" She was pleading with me at this point, but I couldn't give in. I knew I couldn't.
"Jill, stop! If you loved me, you would know that we have to do this, okay? We need time."
"How much time?"
"Until we both realise why we did this to begin with. Until I can sort my brain out and you can settle yourself in Germany. Until we become our best versions of ourself, on field and off. Until everything settles and I know who I am again." She looked at me, nodding, finally realising that this was the right thing to do.
"This isn't forever, right?" She asked me, wiping the tears from her face.
"No," I replied, "it's just until we both find who we are and what we want." She nodded again. I went back over to her and rested my forehead against hers, then kissing the top of her head. I didn't lock my lips with hers, scared that if I did I wouldn't be able to stop. I left the apartment to let her sort herself out and called Kristie straight away.