Her Blue Skies

Chapter 22

All white yet it was so dark, daylights became so dark too as months passed by. I feel like everything is jaded.

"Gusto mo bang kumain, lakad tayo?"

Umiling ako.

"Simone naman! Edi sana hindi na tayo nag-therapy ng matagal kung hindi ka rin naman maglalakad-lakad dito! Tara na, sasamahan kita sa garden!"

Pinagmasdan ko muna kung gaano niya kagustong lumabas kami, halatang wala itong gagawin ngayon kaya ako ang kinukulit, wala tuloy akong nagawa.

Nasa isang Mental Health Care Institution ako sa Pampanga, diagnosed with PTSD, with neurotic behavior that makes my disorder severe, having acute anxiety reaction where in sometimes they have to make me sleep or sedate me. I clearly have Dissociative Disorder as I experienced concussions as what Marvic said, I have dissociative amnesia—my doctor was very technical in explaining my situation that my head hurts while listening, in short I have major disorders, and some other mental issues that I got from the incident and my frequent nightmares I didn't even know where in the world came from—of course, I can't recall anything.

I feel like darkness was eating me as my memories failed me. Sabi rin ni Doc Marvic, aside from concussion or mild traumatic head injury I got, it was myself caging all the memories, and throwing it all away to forget. Repression, I was repressing my memories unconsciously. It was that bad huh?

Kwento niya pa ay pagkagising ko daw sa medical hospital dinaig ko pa ang mannequin sa sobrang unresponsive, I was just staring blankly at the white walls, from there my nightmares triggered my fragile mind kaya naman dinala rin ako rito ni Doc Marvic, sa kung saan talaga siya nakadestino.

Kung saan man ako nanggaling bago mapadpad rito bilang pasyente, masasabi kong she have gone through a hard path, gusto kong kaawaan ang sarili ko habang sinasalaysay ni Doc Marvic kung paano niya ako nakita sa kalsada, lumpasay at naghihingalo, punong-puno ng sugat at pasa at duguan ang buong katawan, ngunit hindi ko magawa dahil wala naman akong maramdaman.

I was tortured.

Mariin akong napapikit.

Pilit kong iniayos ang paghinga, it was normal for me that my breath was becoming uneven from time to time, I was having hard time catching breath most of the time lalo na kapag nagugulo ang isip ko o kapag may gusto akong alamin na hindi ko makapa-kapa. Good thing breathing techniques Doc Marvic help me a lot.

Kasalukuyan akong nagsusulat habang hinihintay pumasok sa loob ng session room si Doc.

Simone.

Puro iyan lang ang naisusulat ko, iyan lang ang natatandaan ko, Simone, noong magsimula akong mag-session ay 'yan na ang una kong mga letrang nasulat kaya iyon ang itinawag sa akin.

Walang nakakakilala sa akin dito.

Okay lang, hindi ko rin naman sila kilala. Hindi ko rin kilala ang sarili ko.

Sabi ni Doc ay ni isang beses ay walang dumalaw sa akin, ang mga pulisya ay tumigil nalang bigla sa paghahanap ng salarin kung sino ang gumawa sa akin no'n dahil hindi ko masagot kung sino ako at kung saan ako nanggaling, it was a hopeless case.

I was hopeless.

I couldn't even count how much 'I couldn't' things I could say if I would say what I couldn't do right now but for a start, I couldn't walk—oh, right, good news today—nakakalakad na nga pala ako kaya naman sinubukan kong tumayo.

Walang alalay na lumakad ako sa loob ng silid, one step, two slow steps...oo nga...nakakalakad na ako at last after three months.

Ngunit iyon lamang iyon, wala naman akong pupuntahan kaya walang kwenta ang paglalakad unless tumakas ako rito pero malayong mangyari 'yon dahil si Doc Marvic nalang ang nagti-tyagang umasikaso sa akin, nakakahiya naman kung tatakasan ko pa siya.