Always Yours | 18+

chapter thirty one

TW: talk of self harming, depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts.

A N G E L I N A

"You need to eat Angelina."

I looked up at Nicolas who is holding a tray of food in his hands he placed it on the table allowing me to see that he made me chicken noodle soup with bread. "If I eat, will you stop hovering over me?" I asked as he pulled out a chair and sat really close to me. "Yes" He said as I picked up the spoon.

I finished my soup, ate my bread and finished the grapes. "And" Nicolas said making me roll my eyes as I took my pills and a sip of my lemonade water.  "How are you feeling?" Nicolas asked making me nod. "Very fine" I said making him glare at me as I rubbed my face.

"Angelina you do realize what you did right?" He asked, "I ate my soup." I said which made him grab the tray and walk out of the dining room clearly pissed. I am more than aware of what I have done I do not fear a lot of things in life what I did does not scare me. What scares me is that I liked it.

 I liked the pain it gave me, I tried everything to get myself to stop crying and doing that made me stop crying. It quite literally put me at ease and that terrifies me, I know for a fact if I cut a little bit too deep I would not have fought to keep my blood inside of me. I would've let it be.

I rolled my sleeve back down to see my bandaged arms if I did not stop when I did, who knows what I would've done. I pulled my sleeve back down as I made my way into the kitchen to see Nicolas.

He quickly wiped his eyes once he spotted me making me tear up "Why are you crying?" I asked, "No why are you crying?" He asked as I wrapped my arms around him making him do the same.

"Angelina I love you." He said as he locked eyes with me, "I lost you for three dreadful years and now I have you back in my life. We have a cute little family, you love the twins I know you do. Think of how your actions would've affected them if you went deeper." He said as he rubbed my back.

"I can not lose you. I can not do that again. I am sorry if you feel like I have been hovering over you or if I am pressuring you to talk about your feelings. I just don't want you to do what you did again." 

He pulled away and wiped my tears away.  "If you need a therapist I will get you the best one there is. If you need to go to a mental hospital, I'll sign you into whichever one you want. If you need to cut something cut me not yourself just whatever that it is that will make you not harm yourself again, you need to tell me so I can get it for you because you can not and will not keep on doing that."

"I am sorry." I said which made him pick me up placing me onto the counter "And I am really not trying to make you feel guilty about what you did. I apologize for that very stupid plan that made you do what you did." He said as I pulled his head into my chest.

"I love you so much and I truly do not deserve you." I said as I kissed his head, "I love you Angelina and I can not lose you." He said as he kissed my chest.

"Shitty. That is how I am feeling, I am feeling shitty. I do not know what is causing me to feel this way but I do want to get better. I promise you that I will." I said making him sigh, "When we visit your dad in the hospital I think you should get a psych evaluation or a therapist test or whatever." He said.

"Do you think that would help me?" I asked, "I hope so" He said as I looked at the time to see it's 4:33am. "Merry Christmas Angelina." He said as he kissed my cheek, "Merry Christmas to you to Nicolas." I said as I smiled.

"You can stay in bed all day if you want" He said as he kissed my fingers. "I have the 26th to be depressed, not the 25th." I said. "But you can't just act like it didn't happen." He said as he rubbed my face. "I know baby but I am not ruining their first Christmas with you, I am going to act like it didn't happen to them but I will act like it did with you." I said as I took his hand and kissed it.