The Curse of Beasts (BEASTARS)

Reminiscing in Shadowed Blooms

If he were being honest, Alan knew to a point that Haru was one of the only people he could confide in about his panic attacks. Even though she was as much a victim as he was, the rabbit held a small part in what happened. He tried and failed to save her, and Legosi stepped in when it seemed all was lost. The wolf had a reason, though, and Haru was that reason.

Heading up to the garden felt like scaling a massive building. He was stalling, perhaps subconsciously as he didn't pay much attention to how far he was from the door. After the Meteor Festival, Alan didn't see much of Haru. He saw her maybe once or twice during the break, but that was it. There wasn't a real reason for it, though one could be his need to refresh himself after the kidnapping. Even so, he felt uneasy about suddenly coming back to Haru and bringing it all up again!

Soon enough, he found himself in front of the door. He remembered the day they met, which was when it felt like everything began to unravel. His identity, his past, and his goals. The garden was like a safe space for him, somewhere he could relax and be away from all the strife. Working there was simple, calming— a far cry from what other parts of the school was like for the human. That was at least one silver lining to it all, the atmosphere in the garden being peaceful and able to soothe his mind.

Now, though...

Alan heaved a sigh, steeling himself before grabbing the handle gently and going in. The scent hit him instantly, making the pounding in his heart lessen a bit. He looked around, finding everything the same as before, though it seemed like some of the flowers had grown since he last saw them. As he stepped further, he sighed in content, recalling the time he spent helping out and pushing all the issues of that time away. It felt impossible now, though, and the issues he had now were bigger than the fields of flowers could contain.

"Alan-san?"

He jolted at the rabbit's voice, finding her quickly at the cabin. It made him smile slightly, once again remembering their first meeting.

"Hey, Haru...", he said quietly. "It's been a while since I've been here, huh?"

She smiled, "Yeah. It's been kind of lonely with Louis gone..."

He nodded, knowing the deer's sudden resurfacing and disappearance. It was no secret to Alan that Haru and Louis had a relationship, though it was on the down-low to others. The only reason he found out in the first place was because he was helping out in the garden. Even then, it was mostly speculation until the Meteor Festival, and that's when things went awry. It didn't feel very different from back then, though.

"How have you been?", he heard the rabbit ask. "We haven't talked in a while, so I'm curious."

"Uh...", he stuttered slightly. "I've been...okay, I guess. I've been thinking a lot about things, and I actually came back to the Drama Club."

His smile and gaze fell, "But..."

"But?", she asked gently.

He walked to the side of the cabin and leaned back against it, "Do you remember what happened? During the Meteor Festival?"

"O-oh...", the air grew noticeably tense, a silence falling upon them until the human spoke again.

"I've been having these...things happen, where I go back there.", he gripped his arm. "I've been trying to brush it off, but it's gotten worse. Now the Drama Club's seen me freak out and I'm not sure what to do. You're the only one I can really talk about this with, since..."

He trailed off, raising his head slightly to look at Haru. She was reacting better than he thought, only looking back with a concerned expression. He would've expected her to get stressed and possibly try to avoid the topic, but all he got was silence. If there was any reason for him not to tell Haru about this, then that was it. Telling the rabbit would just make things harder for her— and given her own experience during that time(only by his own speculation), she'd have been better off not knowing.

"I...didn't think you'd have trouble with it.", she finally said quietly. "I didn't think about it much myself, but that's only because of Legosi."

He nodded, "I figured you two would be together."

"Well, we're kind of taking a break right now.", Haru's gaze shifted. "But back then, I was happy knowing he was there. I'm not sure if it was his size, his personality, or something else. I just...felt drawn to him."

He smiled slightly, "You really love him, don't you?"

"Yeah.", she let a small smile cross her face briefly before she looked at him. "But what about you? How long has this been happening?"

He took a breath, "It technically started right after we got out of that gang's lair, but it really came up after the break. Since then, it started to build up more."

Alan stopped for a second, trying his best to think through his words. He didn't want to throw it all out, only the relevant parts. It felt strangely good to tell Haru about his problems around the kidnapping, though. They were both victims of it, though their outcomes diverged in the aftermath. One found love, and the other was plagued with shifting emotions. Even when Haru tried to tell Alan he was strong, it was already too late for him.

"Now they're telling me to talk to someone, but...", he rubbed the back of his neck uneasily. "I'm just not sure if I can. I'm so different from all of you and I can't help thinking that none of you could help me because of that."

He could still feel tension in the air as he kept his gaze to the floor, How can I even say this to her? She would know better than me...

"Alan.", he felt a small hand grasp his. "Do you remember what I said back then, while we were eating yakisoba?"

He raised his head to meet her eyes, "'You said you wouldn't let that happen to me, and you didn't. Luck or no luck— you managed.'"

"Well, it still felt like luck to me.", the human's hand twitched slightly. "I keep trying to tell myself that I'm strong and I can handle it, but now everyone keeps telling me I need to talk to someone. Then it just spirals into an internal argument about me being weak. I can't win either way."

The way he saw things, there was no right answer. If he keeps trying to suppress his feelings, they'll only get worse until he blows up again. If he opens up, then he'll only be admitting to himself that he's weak compared to them. No matter what option he chooses, it'll end badly for him. They'll keep worrying and it'll weigh on him more and more. In the end, he'd be stuck in the crisis he's found himself in for so long now.

That is, unless...

"Alan, I know you're strong.", Haru pushed. "Maybe going to someone isn't good for you, but at least keep the option open. You know your own limits, so if you think you can handle this yourself, I'll believe you."

He opened his mouth and closed it quickly, I'm glad you do, Haru, but it's not you whose faith I need.