The Augury

Part 84

[Cebo]

" I can't believe that all they care about is what the bloody Bishop said and the nerve of that woman ooh God it just makes me want to strangle her. Can you believe that she went as far as to tell me to forgive my mother ?...
like hello, I haven't seen that woman in years let alone spoken to her and I just need to roll over and start forgiving! "

him: "I believe her intentions were good but she went about it the wrong way, I think her reason for lying was  to avoid an unwanted outcome. "

I looked at him and frowned

me: Sfiso that women called me names as if I asked for all those horrible things that happened to me !! " 
him ": "I know I was there ... And I admit she was wrong ..." 

me: " for what I know is that When you hide the truth from someone to protect them from the consequences, generally you are actually protecting yourself from the reaction they are going to have and you don't want to have to deal with it. . . the whole twisted bullshit she dropped on my lap was more of saving her skin them me or my mothers" 

him: " that's true but she did say that she feels guilty for taking your mother to her church, she almost died when they cast that demon out of her...she blames her self for the conditions she is in now"
Me: so she resorted to making me hate my self for her bloody guilt!"
Him: aish ya khona ubeyisilima"
Me: she saved my mother's life...I really do not see the big deal in all of this and for her to go to lengths to try and make me hate the women I already hate! Urg that was so stupid"

He focuses on his side mirror and review mirror and says ' mmmm' we on high wat but he is constantly checking his mirror I don't know what he's looking for? I turn my head to look behind me, but he starts talking
Him:...but she was right with one thing though, you still extremely angry with your mom, ... I mean not with her alone but what happened to you " 

me: " Sfiso to forgive and forget does not fall from trees it's a bloody process to cure a wound because you have to inflict it first before you bandage it, but even if it will heal the mark will be a constant reminder "

him: " exactly what I'm trying to say it's not about forgetting, It's about comprehension and acceptance. " 

me: " what? " 

him: Point is, you want to forgive of course. But more, you want to heal. And letting go, and letting God handle it, is the way that process begins. " 

I huffed and looked outside the window folding my arms, I felt his hand on my thigh, 

him: " Cebo you have a child ... he did not ask to be conceived in that way,  yet let alone being born only to be the constant reminder of your past, what will that do to him? don't you think you need to start acting like his mother rather than a broken teenager that dumped him in another woman's arms! " 

Me: I had no choice..."
Him: back then yes... but now?"

I breathe out loud, I’m scared to forgive. I’ve built my anger into a safe spot, a wall for me to hide behind. I have tried everything, psychology, and prayer to help me to walk out of the forgiveness process. But my heart is not shaken,  I'm not heartless that I know for a fact but I just can't seem to forgive or let go and it scares the shit out of me! What kind of relationship will I have with my son...if my heart is still hell band in strangling my mother.

It's so true that when a child was abandoned or experience trauma its gets pass down to their children as well, Most woman who are victims like me and also has attachment issues do not know how to love since its a foreign feeling to them,

They may spend years convincing themselves that they will never be like their mothers,  even look into their child's eyes and say, 'I will never leave you. I will never do to you what was done to me. Mommy will always come back.' And their doing is self-consoling through nurturing.

Though out my therapy session I’ve noticed that women who have had children after rape all say the same thing. They say our children have been healing, they have been light and they have been joy...I don't know that ...never felt that ..even afraid to feel that...I'm a bad mother I know!

I breathe out loud and look at the road
" Sfiso you took a wrong turn?"
Him: I know "
Me: but the hospital is ...."
I pop my eyes open as he places the gun on his lap
Him; we being followed... "
Me: what ?"  I turned my head looking,

Him: whatever happens ..."
He did not finish as another car drove fast and stopped in front of our car, Sfiso slammed on the brakes as I screamed.

I didn’t think much of it when a guy in a gray sweater stepped in front of our car. The normal rules of the road don’t really apply in South Africa’s townships, where potholes and pedestrians mean you can’t ever do more than 20 miles per hour. In fact, I registered his presence only when he pulled a gun out of his jeans and pointed it straight at us.
" oooh my God "
I'm scared but yet I want this whole shit to end quickly, we being highjack and they want the car, Sfiso might as well give it to them a part of me was pissed off about losing the chance to met my mother since we were driving to hospital but this looked like a sigh that maybe it was not meant to be.

Sfiso: shit! .... " he looked behind us there was another car, he was about to reverse but they started shooting fire
" GET DOWN CEBO!!!!!!!"
I felt like an ant between my seat and stereo cubbyhole while Sfiso reversed in high speed, I hate him for putting me in danger its bloody car after all that they after, he was supposed to give it to them, his shooting, I holding my ears there too much noise,  car tire spinning and gun short,
"FUCK!!..."  Sfiso scream out loud

Me: thixo...simakade sikhusele, ..." I'm praying,  look at him his shoulder is blinding
Me: Sfiso!!"
I felt my power building up but quickly coming down this was not normal I feel helpless and weak, something is pulling me down I felt a huge Bump of Sfiso side, another hit us window glass come down like rain on top of me, Sfiso head drops on the seat his bleeding...I'm crying ur loud just witnessing too much blood  on him

I take his gun not that I knew how to use it, but events took turn for the worse,   persuaded by a gun barrel knocking against my head I froze with my hand up as the door, unlocked, dozen robber was surrounding the car
“We will fuck you up! drop that gun"

They said as they roughly pulled me out of the car after I dropped the gun
Me: please ....please don't hurt "
He is pulling, dragging me out while I'm kicking and screaming, I feel hands on my neck as they yank the pendant and throws it away,  I look at the car, it has so many bullet wholes they're everywhere I thought about Sfiso, he is unconscious in the car, oh my God his shot!

Me: Sfiso...Sfiso!!!....oooh my God "
I'm tossed inside a car boot and they slam the door, it all comes back to me this was not Highjacking  but a kidnapping
.
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To be continued