Romanogers/Clintasha one-shots

Romanogers 23

Just in case- Warning for panic attacks

Whether she liked it or not, Natasha Romanoff was definitely not a night owl. Of course she would pull through if she had too, but if Natasha had her way, she would be asleep by 10pm every night. Steve was the opposite. He'd be awake for hours into the night while his partner slept. This meant that Natasha would be awake hours before Steve. The system worked for them. It was like having someone constantly be on watch. It provided comfort.

Eventually, the pair picked up on each others sleeping habits. Natasha noticed that Steve preferred to sleep on his back and unmoving. It was an old habit she knew, from his days in the army. They had to get up quickly at any given hour no matter how long they'd actually been asleep. Sleeping on his back was the easiest way to stay alert for Steve.

Natasha needed her back against a wall. Steve knows it's because she needs to see the entire room or she won't be able to sleep. Then their was the talking. Natasha had a habit of mumbling Russian words in her sleep. As their partnership lengthened, Steve began teaching himself the language so he knew what she was saying, but he'd never tell her. What she said during her sleep made Steve shiver. Natasha never confided in him about her past, but he already knew it wasn't a good one. Her unconscious mumbles gave away more than she wanted. Steve sometimes felt guilty for invading her privacy like that- but in a way he felt closer to her.

———————

The Avengers gathered in Tony's lab reading over a file Fury had sent over to them. He'd brief them about it later but for now they were to become familiar with it. Natasha didn't start paying attention until Bruce read the words Moscow. Great. That was the last place she wanted to be. She picked up the Stark pad and scrolled through the file herself now. With every page she read a tightness was blossoming in her chest. She ignored it. Not wanting to look at it anymore, Natasha quickly passed it on to the teammate next to her.
They kept talking but Natasha was completely unfocused. Her quick breaths and tingling fingers distracted her. The mission, she knew, would dig up parts of her past she spent years burying. Natasha wasn't ready for that. As a means of escape, she staggered off her chair and out into the hallway. Her legs pushed her forward as she ran up the stairs. Eventually her brain forced her to stop. She collapsed into a heap and backed up into a corner to feel safe. The lights suddenly felt just as bright as they did when she lay strapped to a metal table. Her delicate fingers tangled in her hair. Suddenly she heard someone shout her name. Terrified, Natasha drew her knees up and curled her body inward. The unidentifiable person now kneeled in front of her. More loud footsteps neared but she didn't sense anyone else as close as this person.

"Natasha? It's Steve"
Natasha loosened her muscles knowing it was someone familiar, but she kept her head down too scared to face the rest of her team.

"Tasha what's going on?"
Steve gently touched her arm. Gasping, Natasha immediately kicked him away. Her mind had now transported her to the Red Room.

"Не трогайте меня!"
Don't touch me
The words ripped from her throat loud and desperate. She couldn't see the shocked faces of the Avengers. Bruce was about to intervene but Steve, now on his knees again, stopped him. Cautiously, the super soldier approached his partner again.

"я не тот, кем ты считаешь меня"
I'm not who you think I am
He said firmly but in a tone that wouldn't scare her. Steve ignored the confusion on his friends faces.
He knew what she was talking about. From what he had deduced from her dreams, she was reliving her past. A past he knew was dark and dangerous.

"Перестань, пожалуйста"
Stop, please
Natasha replied desperately. The spy had silent tears running down her cheeks that Steve could now see. She'd moved her arms to cradle her legs instead of her head but her eyes remained tightly closed and she had her head turned away from him.

"Вы не там. я обещаю тебе. Вернись ко мне"
You are not there. I promise. Come back to me
Steve took a chance and brushed her hair with his fingers. She needed to know she was in a safe environment with people who loved her.
That seemed to make something click inside of her head. She wasn't in the Red Room. She wasn't. All of that was behind her. Natasha sucked in breaths and slowly opened her eyes. Exhaustion hit her suddenly and she slumped against the wall. She kept her gaze away from everyone still. Steve motioned them away. It instantly made her feel more comfortable. 

"Tasha? Are you back?"
Natasha nodded, making eye contact with him. Immediately he drew her to him. She pushed her face into his chest and let him coddle her. She relished in the sensation of him rubbing her back and of him whispering quiet words to her.

"Steve I-"

"It's okay" he stopped her. "You don't have to explain if you don't want too"

"Thank you" she whispered to him. He squeezed her tight to say you're welcome. Gently and slowly he helped her onto her shaky legs. They rode the elevator to Steve's floor.
"Since when do you speak Russian?"
Natasha asked.
Because of him she had calmed down. He spoke to her in her native tongue which at the time she found normal but now it was odd. She didn't think he could speak Russian, let alone understand what she was saying.
He blushed
"Uh...you talk in your sleep. I taught myself Russian so I could understand you. I guess it came in handy"
Natasha paled. How much about her did he know? What did she reveal subconsciously while sleep gripped her? Steve noticed her panicked state just as she detached herself from him and pushed her back to the elevator wall.

"Natasha!"
Her past was the one thing she thought would stay hidden. It was something she didn't want anyone finding out about. They would hate her. Call her heartless, a monster. Natasha realized that out of everyone, she couldn't let Steve hate her. She just couldn't bear him hating her. As her thoughts reeled, Steve was responding to her.

"It's okay Natasha, please you need to take deep breaths"
He grabbed her hand and held it against his chest so she could feel its rise and fall. Natasha felt her heartbeat match. Her head began to clear again.

"Please don't hate me"
Natasha said it so quietly Steve almost missed it. His fingers found her face and he was lightly lifting her head so she was looking at him
"I could never hate you. Why would I ever hate you?"
Her lips parted. Just then the elevator doors opened but no one moved. Steve simply continued to look at her.

"How much about my past do you know?"

"I know you had a rough childhood. You mumble phrases and cry out. I don't know what you did but those people hurt you. You were a victim. No one blames you for what you did."
Her eyes watered but the tears didn't fall because she was tucking her face into his chest again. She felt safe. She was home.