Romanogers/Clintasha one-shots

Romanogers 22

It was a hard mission.
When Captain America and Black Widow walked out of the jet, hoards of applause surrounded them. Agents made a path for them to walk through. The pair really should have been proud of themselves but that was the last thing on their minds. These idiots had no idea what they went through over the last month. Their faces were blank and the sound of cheering was faint, if heard at all. Nick was waiting at the end for them. The looks on their faces told him everything he needed to let them retreat to their rooms instead of a vigorous mission report.
Steve's mind only cleared when the door to his dorm shut. He wasn't surprised that Natasha had followed him in here, neither of them wanted to be alone. No words were exchanged as the two of them moved around each other. Steve, to get ready for a shower and Natasha who was tossing their bags across the room and rifling through his shelf for a book she hadn't read. An hour later Steve emerged from the bathroom, the steam leaked out into the room. He stared at his parter for a while. She was fast asleep, cuddled under his blankets. She looked so mundane, innocent almost. He knew that wasn't true.
It didn't take him long to slide in next to her. Steve inhaled the scent of his fresh sheets, it provided some comfort. Eventually sleep took him.

He couldn't hear anything but the ringing in his ears. Wet droplets peppered his face, blood. Steve wiped them away, with his hand. A hand that was covered in thick blood. Chest pounding, he staggered back. Ankles met a solid form and he went down.
Bodies
They covered the ground, thousands of them. It doesn't take a smart person to know that it was Steve who killed them. He ran as fast as he could to escape the mass of them but his legs became heavy. So heavy. So heavy that he collapsed with tears spilling down his cheeks. Suddenly he drew in a shaky breath. No no no. His bloodied hands reached forward to move the matted red hair away from her face. Steve gasped and stumbled back. Natasha's eyes were open.

Steve jerked awake. Sweat coated his body. Immediately the blankets were kicked off and he hung his legs off the bed, head in his hands. It was just a dream. A dream nonetheless that he knew was developed from the sick and twisted mission. He had the sudden urge to barf just then.

"Steve?"
It was the first time she spoke since they'd returned. Her voice was slightly rough. Steve heard the bed move until she was directly behind him, leaning her entire body against his back. She used a bit of force to press herself there.
This was what she often did when he had nightmares. The first time she tried had been in a rundown motel in Dubai. Steve was frantic and confused so she got out of bed and pressed herself against his back. Her arms encircled him, clasping at his front. She'd made sure to keep his arms trapped. He struggled at first but eventually relaxed. Inevitably he sunk to the ground, but Natasha didn't let go. She'd never let go.
This time however, he tensed up the moment she touched him. He pushed her away as gently as he could.
"Stop Nat" He said breathlessly.
Natasha, full of concern, kneeled in front of him. Her hands were on his knees in hopes of grounding him.

"What's wrong?"
She whispered

"Steve?"
A thought crossed his mind just then. Why was it always Natasha bringing him back from a nightmare?

"Please talk to me"

"How are you so calm?!"
Steve lashed out, no longer hiding his face and staring at Natasha.

"What?" She stood up, slightly unnerved by his sudden shout. He got up too,  drawing closer to her.

"We just went through hell and you're not even phased"

"That's not-"

"You don't ever feel anything! I struggle with nightmares for days after a bad mission but you! Do you ever feel anything? Remorse, guilt, anger."
Steve had her against a wall now. He was yelling angry words in her face and she was too stunned to move.

"We almost died yesterday...we almost lost each other"
His nightmare was of course a sick dimension in which he had lost her displayed in a horrifying way. She was apart of the many other people he got killed.

"How can you stay so calm, actually sleep! I can't close my eyes without seeing-"

"You want to know why I can't have nightmares?!"
Natasha screamed back making Steve drain all his anger out and back away. She looked down at her feet, hands in fists.
Then Natasha slid to the floor with her knees up. She was trying to hide herself from him.

"When I was a child, dreaming was the only way I could escape my reality. It was nice for a while. When I started going on missions my beautiful dreams were replaced with vicious nightmares. We would wake up screaming and many of the girls refused to sleep, too afraid of what faces would come back to haunt them."

"Nat I-"

"You were right!"
She let out a forced laugh
"I can't feel because I would have been killed for it. If I let myself feel anything even resembling regret, sadness or remorse, for gods sake if I was sorry! They would have killed me. I learned faster than the others. I put on a mask of emptiness to hid my feelings, eventually that became my reality. It was no longer a mask. So you're right. I don't feel anything. I don't feel 'bad' that I let four agents die...or that you almost did"

"I'm just numb"