Man - y.kh

eighty-eight.

We chose a private funeral. I watched Minhyuk and Jooheon lose every part of themselves. I had them move in with me and Benji until we could move away. Benji and I were the only people who spoke. "Ki, I hungry."

As I opened my eyes, there was my son looking me in the face. I must've fallen asleep on the couch while I watched him. "How'd you get up baby?" I asked softly. He shrugged softly, letting me know he crawled over to me. "Where's Min and Joo?" He pointed behind him. They were in their room. I picked Benji up, sitting him on the couch. "Be right back." While I didn't want to bother them, I really didn't want to get up.

"Come in," Jooheon sighed after I knocked. I opened the door to see Jooheon and Minhyuk lying on my bed, just staring at the ceiling.

I sighed a bit. "Guys, I'm exhausted. Can one of you come fix Benji a snack?"

Minhyuk scoffed a bit. "Why are you the exhausted one? You actually sleep." I understood him, he did watch his brother get thrown across the road.

"I understand, I know I actually sleep," I went to continue on but I was cut off.

Jooheon sat up to look at me. "Didn't you love him? What did you scream for when you don't even lose a wink of sleep behind him being gone now? You don't sit up at night, wondering where you failed. You don't stay awake all night, you haven't for a week now. His funeral is tomorrow and you'll sleep perfectly fine tonight. I don't know why the fuck you're the one who cries exhaustion."

I just shut my door, going to the kitchen. "Sleeping on a couch is not and never has been comfortable," I mumbled to myself as I walked back to the living room and into the kitchen. "What do you want to eat, Bubba? We have soup?" A bowl, a microwave, a spoon.

Benji hummed a bit before deciding. "A ham?" He asked softly. Ham sandwich. "White?" With only mayo on it.

"You got it," I chimed, going on with making the sandwich. I almost couldn't handle it. What right did Jooheon have to assume I wasn't suffering? They've known me well for over a year now, don't they know I stopped falling apart? Without the elephant in the room, the elephant in me? I could breathe again. Everything else stopped hurting. And if it did actually hurt, I never paid attention. This? It still doesn't feel real. It still feels like Hyungwon is going to knock on my door and pick Benji up. It still feels like I'm going to marry him and we're just having a fight. Like he's gonna come in my kitchen and wrap his arms around me, kissing my cheek softly and reminding me how much he loves and appreciates me and can't wait for me to love myself just as much as he does... I hadn't remembered those sweet somethings in quite some time. When he cheated on me... it felt like it was an attack on me and not just a moment of weakness. The time away was needed, but I didn't know it was final.

Final. The end. Never again. I hurried to finish Benji's sandwich, almost running to get it to him. "Thanki!" Benji smiled softly. I nodded, going back to my room.

I opened the door. "Someone go watch him right fucking now." With that, I left the apartment. When I got inside my car, every feeling I kept to myself poured out into the open. "Fuck!" I screamed. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" The way I cried... it was new for me. My fists hit at my steering wheel, triggering my horn to honk. "I'm sorry! God, Hyungwon I'm so fucking sorry!" There was one thing on my mind and that was evening the score. I wouldn't dare think of taking my life, not now. I had a kid to think about. But I could inflict revenge on myself. I reached into my glove box, grabbing a tool. It was a cutter and a window smasher. In case I was ever trapped in my car during a wreck. You use the cutter to get rid of the seatbelt and hit the window with the other end.

Lifting my shirt, I felt the autumn chill hit my skin. And soon after, I felt the burning line from being injured. I hadn't done this in so long, it was almost foreign behavior to me. But one was enough to jog my memory. I periodically looked up, knowing that Minhyuk and Jooheon weren't going to come check on me.