Man - y.kh

thirty.

Hyungwon took care of me. He avoided my hips as he let me take over. He held me up by my back, kissing me all over. The sex was mind blowing. Simply because he took care of me. And since I was in love with him, it automatically intensified every feeling Changkyun gave me and more. It hit me right then and there that I was actually in love with Hyungwon.

We kept it up, once a week. I wasn't sure how much I could actually handle. However, his health was doing well. After a few weeks and a missed period, I had to take a test. I was excited yet nervous. "What if I didn't do it?" I asked Hyungwon, waiting for the test to come up.

"Then we'll keep trying," he smiled. "If this one didn't take, we'll keep trying, Kihyun."

I smiled softly, anxiously waiting for the news. I looked up at the test, sighing softly. "I can't tell..." I whined a bit, handing it to Hyungwon.

He looked at it, tilting it. "The second line is getting stronger... Damn. It's almost an extra positive."

I giggled a bit. "I'm pregnant?" I asked, looking down at where one of his hands laid. I placed mine on top of his.

"You're pregnant, Kihyun." Hyungwon picked me up, kissing me softly. I was happy and excited, truly. But I wasn't kissing him back. Maybe he didn't notice. "You're not kissing me back," he whispered. Fuck, he noticed.

I had no response. "I-I'm sorry." I gave him a small peck back.

Hyungwon scoffed a bit, backing away from me. He just shook his head as he walked downstairs. I bit my lip, nervous about how he took that. I didn't want to not kiss him back. There were memories creeping into my mind. And it scared me. And there was no one to understand that except for Changkyun. But he didn't want to see me either, probably disgusted with the fact that I put my transition on the back burner for Hyungwon's need to be a father. Suddenly, none of this was a good idea.

As I finally emerged from the bathroom, I heard Hyungwon on the phone with someone. "Yeah, we need to hang out some time, smoke something."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Who is that?" I asked.

He talked for a bit before he hung up. "My friend, he's coming over soon." I didn't want company, but I didn't wanna tell him that. I disappointed him enough. I walked up to him, grabbing him and pulling him into a kiss. He shook his head and pulled away. "No, don't make up for anything, you're fine."

I shook my head, messing with my jeans. "I-I don't feel fine. I feel dirty, I feel violated, I fee-" Hyungwon shushed me, grabbing my hands.

"You feel like you made a mistake? That we shouldn't be having a baby?" I couldn't tell if he was being an asshole or if he was being understanding. His tone was indistinguishable.

I shook my head. "Wh-When I found out I was pregnant last? Hyungwon, that hasn't been the only time. And my body has been through hell and back. I'm scared. This body, it isn't mine and it never has been mine. It belongs to every person who has ever used me. And now it'll belong to a little baby for nine months, if we even get that. I'm just scared and you cannot hate me for being scared." I whimpered.

Hyungwon sighed softly. "I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to slight you. I'm scared too." He kissed my forehead, bringing a bit of balance back to my earth. "Why didn't you tell me about any other time? H-How many times have you been pregnant?"

The fact that I had to count and take a while longer to remember any scares, it was ridiculous. "At least six, not including this one. When I was younger, Abraham would just terrorize my body into not carrying. How would anyone explain a 12 or 13 year old going in for an abortion? I remember a few times where I begged Changkyun to hurt me, for the same effect. But by that time I was old enough. This isn't my first rodeo, Hyungwon, but my body's gonna think I'm trying to end it again. I'm scared of actually losing the one thing I really want in this body." I twiddled with my fingers. After a few moments of silence, the bell rang.