Man - y.kh

twenty-nine.

We didn't go farther than handjobs. I know it pissed him off but he ultimately respected that I didn't want to go further than that. He was definitely well taken care of. "That..." Hyungwon took a deep breath, relaxing into the bed. "Was perfect... I wouldn't ask for anything more."

Just as we cuddled up next to each other, the doorbell rang. I sighed softly, getting up to go to the door. The mailman was there. "Is there a Yoo Sora here?" He asked.

It's very odd to have the mailman ask that question. I didn't quite understand, but I didn't want to be difficult. "Yes? Right here..."

He handed me his electronic pad. "Sign right here." I did so and he handed me a flat envelope, tipping his hat and wishing me a good day.

I headed back upstairs, sitting down next to Hyungwon. "This is... this is from our family lawyer..." I suddenly felt uneasy. I was going to be homeless. That's got to be the only thing.

"What is it?" Hyungwon asked. I slowly opened it, shaking my head. I didn't know and I almost didn't want to know. But once I opened it and fully read it, tears began pouring. "What? Baby, what is it?"

I looked up at him, smiling widely. "Inheritance... I-I get this house, officially. I get the money my mother earned, including her 401K. I- Oh my God." The tears wouldn't stop. Hyungwon held my hand as he wiped my tears. "I have money for therapy, hormones, and surgeries." Hyungwon's eyes widened, his own tears starting.

"Get the fuck out of here... are you serious?" He asked. I nodded, throwing myself into his arms.

I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. "God, Mama... thank you for finally listening to me." I wished to have her be the one I was hugging. I did really miss my mother. I never wanted her to go, and I still often wondered what was the true reason she killed herself. I looked over the envelope again, my questions about to be provided with answers.

It was her letter. "Hey," Hyungwon said, taking the letter out of my hand. "You don't need to read this yet... not yet."

I shook my head. "I needed to read this when she died." Hyungwon hesitantly handed over the letter, I needed to get it over and done with...

Kihyun,

Sweetheart, I know this hurts, it feels like the one thing you never got was an accepting mother, protective mother. A mother in general. And maybe, you've never hear me say your name. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve to grow up in fear, alone. I'm sorry.

Your father died before you were born. And I know that's weird to have never known him. On the way to the hospital, while I went into labor, he got into an accident. No seat belt, ejected from his seat, instantly gone. I almost lost you because I couldn't bring myself to even pick you up and feed you. While you stayed in the nursery, I was visiting with psych. We couldn't leave until I picked you up, held you, fed you, bathed you, changed you and clothed you. Being hit with his death put me in the worst place as a mother. You deserved to be put up for adoption. And that's nothing negative with you. I always wanted you. I've always wanted to be a mother, to be your mother. I was never the best mother I could've been. A woman who couldn't have a baby that prepared to give her all to be a mother to a child would've been a better mother. I don't think I was ever your mother. I commanded respect that I had never given. I didn't protect you.

Kihyun, you are my son. And I'm proud of the son I've watch grow. I'm just sorry that I didn't let you grow easily. I held onto Sora so much. Your father chose that name. And it's insane to know I wasted so much time fighting for Sora. When both Sora and Kihyun were our top chosen names. When you asked to be called Kihyun, told me to call you Kihyun... I cried that night. And I think you heard me. But it wasn't because I was disappointed. I just began to miss your father more.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. I do love you. I just can't stay anymore.

The tears were nauseating. I didn't know how to feel about it. Hyungwon kisses my cheek softly. "Baby, get better. You and Jooheon get better, please. I can't lose anyone else." I got up and got dressed, going for a walk.

All was well and good until a familiar vehicle pulled up next to me. "What are you walking around for? Need some money?"

I shook my head, fighting the urge to strangle the driver. "Don't you ever get tired of being an immature dickhead, Wonho?" He was part of Shownu's group. So damn disrespectful and a douchebag overall.

"Don't you ever get tired of being used?" I had to keep walking. "Awe, baby what's wrong? Mama doesn't support you still?"

I turned on my heel, facing his vehicle. "Keep my mom's name out your fucking mouth, you motherfucking bitch."

Wonho just laughed. "Keep your mother out of the streets and I will." I rushed up to his window, grabbing him by the collar.

"Shut the fuck up," I yelled in his face. "Didn't your mama try to sell you for drugs? Or did she give you up in exchange for drugs. No, wait. She needed her medicine and you gave it to her, right? You gave her an overdose of heroin?" He stopped almost immediately.

I saw another car pull up, the one I was glad to see. "Kihyun, let's go," Changkyun pulled up.

Wonho began laughing as I ran over to Changkyun's car. "Still pining after her, Changkyun? How was the fucking looney bin?" We drove off, riding almost nowhere.

"She wrote me a friggin' letter..." I sighed. "I have enough money to pay for my transition."

Changkyun nodded. "But?" He knew something else was on my mind.

Things were moving fast in my life, but I think I've gotten used to it. I can't process it, but I can't stop it either. "I do love Hyungwon... and I feel bad for him." I bit my lip, looking at my lap. "He has a kid he can't see. But he still has to do so much for that child. That he doesn't ever get to know." Changkyun sighed softly.

"I swear to God, Kihyun, if you say what I think you're gonna say, I might kill you." I said nothing more.

When we pulled up to the house, Hyungwon and Jooheon were sitting down in the kitchen for dinner. "Hey Ki," Jooheon smiled.

"Hey kid," I ruffled his hair. "Can you go to your room real quick?" He didn't hesitate to leave.

Hyungwon chuckled. "What was that for?" He asked.

I sat down, taking his hand. He looked me dead in the eye, realizing I was serious. "Let's have a baby."

Hyungwon froze, trying to decipher what I'd just said. "L-Like a baby? Who's gonna carry it?" He was actually pretty worried to.

"Me," I shrugged. "The baby would be ours, seriously. And after this kid, I can freeze my eggs and then go ahead and transition.

There was silence for a bit. "Are you sure?" I nodded, smiling softly. "We can stop whenever, but come on." Hyungwon stood up and smiled, taking my hand. "Let's go make a baby."