Man - y.kh

thirty-one.

"Kihyun, do you want to eat something?" Jooheon asked, walking by me in the living room.

I shook my head. "No, Jooheon, I'm okay. Thank you." I was anxious. I hadn't been feeling the best and Hyungwon went to physical therapy, leaving me to deal with my mental stuff by myself. He stopped by to see Changkyun and to grab my test results on the way home.

He sighed, shaking his head. "You're not... what's bugging you?" He asked, sitting next to me.

I shrugged. "You're too young to worry about it, I'm okay, I swear." He nodded, leaving to head upstairs. "Make sure you finish your homework first."

A few moments later, Hyungwon was coming in the door. "I can walk a bit further without my cane!" He smiled. "Changkyun's okay, he's eating well." As he came to sit next to me, I held my hand out for my test results.

"Did you open them?" I asked. He shook his head. "You can be disappointed with me then."

He chuckled softly, "Relax, it'll be fine. No matter what, I love you." I highly doubted that.

Jooheon came downstairs. "Hey," he smiled softly, sitting down. "Did you find out yet?" He asked.

I shook my head, opening the results. The whole room fell silent as I looked at the results. "Okay, who wants dinner?" I asked, standing up.

"Kihyun," Hyungwon sighed. I slammed the results down in the coffee table, walking upstairs to wash my hands. When I got to the bathroom, I locked myself in and just bawled my eyes out. I called Changkyun, I needed to talk to him.

I slid down the bathroom door, settling to the floor, crying and sniffling. "Hello?" He asked.

I couldn't speak for a bit. Until the words just fell out. "You were right... about almost all of it."

Changkyun sighed softly, "I never meant what I said about being trans, Kihyun. I know you and I know you feel like your body doesn't make sense." He had huge remorse in his voice.

"That's not what I was talking about," I sighed. "You were right about being pregnant, I don't want it. I don't. I-I'll freeze my eggs for him, I can't carry a baby for him. I can't do it." How did I get into this mess?

Changkyun fell silent for a bit. "What was the test?" He asked.

"Negative. I'm not pregnant," I said. "And I'm relieved. Unbelievably relieved. But I could hear the disappointment in his voice when I walked away, and I'm scared. I lost you, I can't lose him."

A small chuckle cake through from the phone. "You can't lose me, Kihyun. You haven't lost me." That was sweet but I knew.

I shook my head. "I lost you years ago when you almost killed yourself. And then I lost more of you when you overdosed. Trust me, I know what it feels like to lose you, and I've lost you." It hurt like hell.

"Listen," he sighed. "I have to go, it's time for my therapy, We'll talk later."

I just hung up. I didn't want to talk anymore. I felt lost. "Jooheon!" I called, getting up and leaving the bathroom. He was in his room with Hyungwon. "Do you wanna ride with me? I need to go somewhere. Hyungwon, can I borrow the car?" I asked.

"Sure." Jooheon smiled softly. Hyungwon nodded, tossing me the keys.

I smiled a bit, ruffling Jooheon's hair. "Go wait for me in the car." After he left, I sighed, walking up to Hyungwon, kissing him softly. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

Hyungwon shook his head. "Don't be, Kihyun. We'll talk later? Maybe try again?"

His suggestion only made me anxious. I couldn't just bring myself to tell him no. I nodded, heading out to the car. "Jooheon, I have a question for you." I said, getting in the car.

"What's up?" He asked.

I shrugged a bit. "How do you feel about going to a cemetery? Would it freak you out?" He shook his head and I smiled a bit, pulling out of the driveway. I needed a scenery change.

After being quiet for a while, Jooheon spoke up. "Do you still love my brother?" He asked.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "With all my heart... of course I love him, why would you ask?"

He sighed softly. "You're happy about your test results... If you still love him, promise me you'll tell him how you feel." I sighed softly, nodding to put him at ease. However, I still needed to know about how I feel.

We pulled up to a plot in the cemetery and I parked, getting out. "If you get too hot, turn the car back on for the AC. Or you can come with me." I offered. Jooheon unbuckled his seatbelt, choosing the latter. I looked toward the grassy rock garden, counting the tombstones.

Jooheon furrowed his eyebrows. "I never asked but why are we here?"

I ignored him, unintentionally. I just needed to count correctly. I followed my intuition, up the hill, searching the graves. When I came to my mother's grave, I found a note on there, I took it and put it in my back pocket. "Mama, I don't know what to do..." I sighed, kneeling down in front of her. "I love him so much. And all he wants is to have a family he can treat well... the way I should've been treated. I can give him that now, before I transition. Changkyun thinks it's stupid. I'm subjecting myself to the very thing we kept hidden for years, because of Abraham.  Because of you. But Hyungwon is a father, who doesn't get to see his child. Just like my father." As I spoke, I got angry. "Where the fuck is my father you lying, scheming, only worth a fuck bitch?" I screamed, my fists landing on the marble slab. "You only lied to me. Every waking moment of your miserable life. Did I destroy you? What did I do to deserve that? Is my father alive? You can't answer me but I swear to god, I'll come back to piss on your grave if he is. And no, no way in hell was he worse than Abraham. If he walked away from us, that'd be fucking fine!" Jooheon grabbed my arm.

I could feel his shaking. "Peach... Kihyun, peach." I turned around, pulling him into a tight hug as he kept repeating to him.

"Come on, let's go..." I helped him back to the car and got him calmed before I left again.

When we got back home, Jooheon went right to sleep. "What happened?" Hyungwon asked, prepared to follow him.

I grabbed his hand. "I scared him. I didn't mean to... I just went to visit my mom. And cuss her out..." I sighed, reaching into my back pocket. I opened the note up.

"What's that?" Hyungwon asked.

"Some dumb note on her grave..." I unfolded the paper and sighed. Then I felt my world stop. "Holy fuck..."

Hyungwon furrowed his eyebrows. "What?"

I looked up, tears in my eyes. "I think this is my dad."