Man - y.kh

fifty-four.

The day came where Hyungwon was in a good spot to leave. It took a few more weeks, but the doctors saw no more reason to keep him holed up in the hospital. He was able to be home for Christmas. "Hey, baby." Hyungwon looked up to see me and smiled. But I knew it wasn't a happy smile. Three weeks ago, he was clawing at his skin, trying to take out his IV. Even earlier this week, he was talking up a storm. He literally never shut up. His seizures still happened but he was able to bounce back faster and faster. Now, he was starting to panic and it was written all over his face and wired in his body. "Talk to me," I mumbled softly, taking his hand as I sat next to him.

"When's Eommie coming?" He asked softly, avoiding eye contact. "And... please back up?" I took my hand away, backing away.

I looked at my texts. "She said she's coming in an hour. What's wrong, Hyungwon?"

He still didn't want to look at me. "I'm scared. I'm scared of leaving here." I heard his voice break and all I wanted was to hold him. "What if I break? What if I kill him for what he did to me? And then try to kill myself again? What if I get worse? I-I'm scared to go back to my life." He there his tears came.

I almost didn't have words for him. "Your life is not confined to the four walls of this hospital room. And you are not going back to where you came from. Okay? You aren't going back to the house with him or the hotel. You aren't coming home with Eommie. I can be there as much as possible, but you'll have Minhyuk always. You don't have to be afraid of leaving here." He nodded softly, wiping his tears away.

"I wanna try something. Maybe somehow it can just be you and me? Your mom's house is empty." I thought it was weird that he was wanting to be alone with me. Completely unsupervised.

I furrowed my eyebrows softly. I wanted to give him anything he needed and most of what he wanted, but only in proportion. "If that's really what you want. But you have to ask Eommie to take us. And I don't think we should fall into the habit of trying to be independent again." He nodded, understanding.

"You can come back," he mumbled, pulling me closer. "I feel it." I sat next to him, holding him close to my chest. He fell silent, his head shaking slightly. We stayed like that for at least a half hour.

When Ms. Lee came to check Hyungwon out, it was a struggle every step of the way. "Do you want Dr. Min?" I asked, panicking a bit. Minhyuk and their mom didn't know what to do either. He was having a whole breakdown. Walking out of the hospital was the hard part. He made it out of his room, he was able to ride the elevator. But walking through just the first set of doors made his whole world come crashing down. He couldn't move. "Minhyuk, go get her!" He rushed off as I held onto Hyungwon.

"I can't!" He screamed. "I wanna stay here. I can't go home! I can't go back. I can't do this."

I shook my head. I never got loud with him, but I needed to. "Look at me," I said, grabbing his face. "Hyungwon, look at me. Look at me!" I yelled, scaring him a bit. "It's me. It's Kihyun, okay?" I caressed his face to calm the anxiety I just caused him. "You're okay, Hyungwon. Do you trust me?" I asked softly, holding onto him tightly.

He nodded a bit. "I trust you, Kihyun." He whimpered starting to shake.

"Close your eyes. When Dr. Min gets here, you're gonna listen to our voices. And you're going to leave." Hyungwon shook his head. "Yes, you are. You need to leave. This is not your home. Your home is with your mom and your brothers. They don't live here. This is not your home and you have to go home."

He shook his head, grabbing me tighter. "My home is with you. You're my home. I don't wanna go if I can't be around you." This was far different than a romantic request. I didn't feel the toxic trap that had me bent over backwards for him. He needed me, more than he had ever needed me. "Please. Let's stay at the old house for a couple days. Then you can take me home. I swear, I don't want to be independent right away again but I'm not gonna make it if I go home now. I'll miss you and I'll need you and I can't do this by myself yet. Please, I can't leave if I can't have you with me." I shot a glance toward Ms. Lee, seeing Dr. Min coming up next to her.

"Hyungwon?" Dr. Min called out softly. "Hey kiddo, listen to me." She smiled, helping me lead him to a seat. "It's possible that you and Kihyun could spend a night alone, but if you spend more than that alone. You're gonna fall into old habit. You can't do that if you want to beat this. So, if it's okay with your mom and if it's okay with Kihyun and his dad, you can stay at the old house for a little bit. But try to make it an overnight thing."

I was okay with that, anything to help jumpstart recovery. As long as it wouldn't set him back. "I'll text my dad," I offered, taking my phone out. "Now, let's go home okay?" I asked. Hyungwon shook his head, still afraid. "Close your eyes, babe. It's less scary if you close your eyes. It's just a short little walk, baby." When we stood up this time, his eyelids  fluttered shut. "That's it. Now, step." We slowly started to take steps toward the door.

Before he knew it, we had walked to the car. When we got him in the car, his grip on me loosened a bit as he took a deep breath. "I got out... I'm out here." He couldn't believe he'd done it. I smiled softly, holding his hand.

My dad was surprisingly okay with letting me spend a night with him at my old house. I still wasn't sure what he wanted but I just went with it. "So," I started, unlocking the door. "What exactly did you want to do on your first day back? We could watch TV and order a pizza?" I asked softly.

Hyungwon walked in the door and headed straight for the couch. "I love you," he smiled softly. "Come sit with me." I turned on the TV, surprised it hasn't been shut off yet, before sitting down.

"I'm so proud of you," I smiled, wrapping my arms around him. As he cuddled into my side, I felt his hands wandering. "What are you thinking?"

He shrugged. "I'm tired of only saying the words." Hyungwon looked up at me, eyes scanning over my face. "Saying the words is not enough sometimes. And I hate that he ruined that for me." I wasn't sure where he was going with this. But I was certainly taken aback when I felt his lips on mine.

I didn't know what to do with my hands. I didn't want to grab his face, wrap my arms around his neck or his waist, or just lay them on his knees. That's how Wonho would handle him. So I settled on tilting his chin up softly. "Hyungwon," I whispered. "You don't have to do this."

He shook his head, pulling me closer. And then he snapped. I knew it was coming because he was trying too hard. "No." He gasped, pulling away. "No, no, no!" Hyungwon started to fall into a panic attack, grabbing at my hand. "I-I... fuck!" He was frustrated and I understood where it was coming from.

"Do things only when you're ready to, Hyungwon." I sighed, running my hand through his hair.

He sniffled, laying back down into my chest. "I want to be ready. I'm tired of not being ready. I wanna talk to this sperm donor. I wanna talk to Wonho. I wanna meet our siblings. I'm not ready for any of it. When will I be?" He asked.

"I have no idea, love." I sighed, starting to channel surf. "Right now, you need to be ready to watch TV, eat lunch and dinner, and ready to take a shower and sleep well." He nodded, focusing on the television as he wiped his eyes.