Man - y.kh

forty-five.

I haven't slept. I haven't eaten. Minhyuk wanted Jooheon to stay with me and my dad while he went looking for Hyungwon and Wonho. And I couldn't do anything. Jaesung would go with him often. It's been three weeks of this and I can't help but wonder if they're not dead somewhere. Two weeks away from my 18th birthday and I wasn't sure my brother or even my (ex) boyfriend was going to be there. Two very important people in my life.

Changkyun was coming over while Jooheon did his homework. We needed to talk and that caused me a lot of anxiety as well. My chest hasn't hurt this much since Hyungwon took the ace bandages off my chest. Why am I still thinking about him? I shouldn't be thinking about him when I'm about to try things with Changkyun again.

"Kihyun," Jooheon whimpered, coming down the stairs.

I pat the seat next to me in the couch. "Come lay down and tell me what's going on?" He laid down in my lap, tears riding on his voice.

He sniffled, sighing a bit. "I want my brother back. Where is he?" I felt awful.

"I wish I had answers for you," I ran my hand through his hair slowly. I looked up to see Changkyun at the door and he looked like complete shit. "Kiddo, I have to talk to him, can you go take your blood sugar, eat something and then get started on your schoolwork?" He nodded, getting up and wiping his face. I waved for Changkyun to come in. "It's unlocked," I shrugged.

He walked in and I felt my eyes roll back in my head. He smelled like a fucking distillery blew up on him. Add that to the smell of weed on him and I was going to have a bad headache later. "Hey," he slurred softly. Hungover.

I felt slightly sad because I know that meant that Shownu brought him over. And he walked weirdly, not just his standard hungover or drunk walk. I felt a little sick knowing he relapsed because of me. Not sure how I felt about, what I could only presume was, Shownu and Changkyun sleeping together again. But if Changkyun was still wrapped up in Shownu then I couldn't be mad since I was still wrapped up in Hyungwon. "Kyunnie, are you okay?" I asked softly, guiding him to the couch.

He shrugged. "I am kinda heartbroken
but I'm fucked up and out like Willy Wonka's glass elevator so I don't really give a shit." Changkyun fell down into the couch. "You wanted to talk?"

No, at this point, I didn't want to talk anymore. "I-I miss you," I sighed softly. "I haven't missed you this much since sophomore year." He began laughing at me.

He was either really drunk and high or really hurt. Either way, he turned into an asshole. "Okay, Kihyun. I get it, okay? You fucking thought I died and now that I'm okay and back, you think you want me. First of all, I'm suicidal. That's fucking true. That's gonna almost always be with me. I've accepted it, you need to and goddamn it you might as well get over it too." Changkyun scoffed. "You don't want me, Kihyun. You want someone. You want a safety net because all your fucking life, you've been crawling through a sea of glass that just sinks deeper and deeper into you. You want someone who can pick you up out of it. Dude, you gotta learn how to fucking walk through it at some point." He sat up, looking at me. "I'm getting tired of saving you and Hyungwon's not here. Jaesung's trying to find Wonho. You have no one but yourself. Get it together. You have to own up to saving yourself at some point."

I had enough of him. And never in my life had I been so quick to slap anyone. "Shut the actual fuck up!" I screamed. "You weren't here when Abraham was raping me. I got that motherfucker put in jail, okay? I did that. Not you and damn sure not my fucking mother. You weren't here when I almost got kidnapped off my fucking buses, I had to scream 'fire' to get anyone to look at us. I had to take my thumbs to their eyes to stop them long enough to run back onto the bus. No one helped me. I did that shit. You weren't here when my mother beat my ass when I told her I wanted gender therapy. You weren't there when I called the cops on her. I threatened to kill myself and she was going to fucking let me. Just as long as she didn't have a he-she cuntboy. Yes, she actually said 'cuntboy', you weren't there when I had to fight for myself then. You weren't there junior year when boys would pin me against lockers. When they'd pants me, wondering what I had down there. You weren't fucking there, Changkyun. Don't you dare act like I haven't taken care of myself at one point or another, bitch I've done it all. And I'm tired of doing it. Not one of us should be in this world of hurt like this. Not you, not me, not Jooheon, Hyungwon, Wonho. None of us. I am tired of always having to be strong. So when I had chances to be weak, I fucking took them." I wasn't holding back with him anymore. "Fucking look at you now," I laughed a bit. "You aren't on heroin for once. Not speedballing. But you stink of fucking ganja and tequila. You have had plenty of chances to be weak and you haven't done much for yourself except send yourself down a path of destruction. Look at yourself, bitch. Letting yourself get fucked by someone who drove you to kill yourself in tenth grade. Because he's just as much of a fucking fag as the rest of us and he won't fucking admit it. He exploited you just so he could laugh at you being his fucking slut." Changkyun froze up a little bit. "You want to be an asshole? You want to fucking go there? I will ruin you. Don't fucking talk to me like you know me anymore. You don't get that fucking right. Because it's clear that you don't."