Man - y.kh

eighty-six.

Done. Finished. Fuck this town, fuck these people. Fuck everyone and everything. Fuck Kihyun. When I came home to Minhyuk and Jooheon crying, I felt something turn off in me. The last shred of hope and humanity I may have had locked away was stolen from me. The one person in this world who gave a fuck about me continuously, she was gone.

"What happened?" I asked, looking between the two of them.

Minhyuk, trying to be the softer man he'd become, couldn't get the words out. "Hyungwon... Mama's... Mama's not okay." Dancing around it like I was a goddamn child. Now that I was 18 years old, he wanted to treat me like the child I should've been treated as all along?

I shook my head. "Fucking say it," I snapped. "Don't beat around this fucking bush. If Eommie's dead, just say that." When Jooheon burst into tears again, I knew. And that's when I lost it. "What are you crying for? Huh? You're part of the reason we lost time with her anyway!"

"Hyungwon!" Minhyuk snapped, coddling Jooheon. "No. Don't do that. Mama was sick and she never told us. That's neither here nor there." I shook my head, turning around to leave.

I ignored every plea for me to stay. I had no reason to. I had no one. Not one piece of family left. My son was gone, I drove my lover away, my brothers had stopped being my brothers long ago. No one. Despite what Kihyun thought, while I did cheat on him, I still had met my other siblings. Wonho and I both had. Boa was my twin sister and we liked so many of the same things. Nick and Sarah were local musicians. Jia, Jaehyun, and Yeji were respectively a police officer, a fire fighter, and a doctor. All of them had names for themselves here. And here I was. So different from the rest of them.

My story brought each of them to tears. They had always had each other, surprisingly. My mother and Mari's mother were to only two to give us up. Every other child got to stay with their mothers. And I found my mother. And she died. For the last year of her life, I'd done nothing but give her trouble as thanks. There was no reason for me to be alive and her dead. I loved her, she loved me. She's the only one who could teach me love before I found it myself. And I still threw it away.

The words Kihyun spoke rang in my head.
You forfeited your rights to him.
Do you know how much Kyungwon's death is your fault?
I'm so fucking convinced you just sent her out there so she could get killed.
Do you want your son?
Or do you plan on dying before he even has a chance to think you don't want him?

I planned on dying before Benji had a chance to think I didn't want him. No matter what happens, they're going to tell him I didn't fight for him at all. Which is partially true. I was done. I was tired. I used to be a decent guy in this story but now I was the villain. While Changkyun is worse than me, I'm not golden. I'm cheaply painted bronze, not even.

I took the bus out to 47th Street, walking aimlessly until I found my spot. There was an intersection people sped away from back at C Street. By the time they'd get to F Street, they'd be floating. Maybe someone would send my soul floating. Every time I walked back and forth across the street, like a goddamn black cat for the drivers in both directions, I apologized to someone in my life I truly cared about.

One pass. "I'm so sorry Benjamin Jude... Daddy loves you so much but he's not good for you. Ki's always been better for you. I wouldn't have fought for you if it wasn't for him. I would've thought Mama won. You're a good boy. There's nothing wrong with you. I want what's best for you and that's just not me."

Two passes. "Jooheon. I love you kiddo. I protected you for as long as I could. I started to fail you when I started to think about myself more. I never should've stopped caring for you. I left you behind. Kihyun stepped up for you. He was there for you when I couldn't be. And he's always going to be there."

Three passes. "Minhyuk... You hurt me but I know I've had to hurt you too. I forgive you. You weren't in the right place when we were younger. I'm sorry I kept hurting you for something you apologized and made up for twenty times over. Your best friend will keep you."

With every pass, it was closer and closer.

Four passes. "Wonho, I betrayed you in your weakest moment. I could've taken what you'd given me with no problem. And even after we'd gotten good again... I got you back on drugs. For my own selfish needs. And you would do anything for me again because you loved me and you were sorry for what you did to me. Kihyun saved us from that bridge and I destroyed you again. I hope this makes up for it."

Five passes. "Eommie... I used to be your good boy. I was your best boy. I made you so proud and for the last year of our lives, I gave you a hellion to bail out time and time again. I could've helped out at home and I ran from you when you needed more help. If I would've stayed, maybe we all could've worked to fix your health again. You wouldn't be dead now. You gave me the best chance at life and I blew it every chance I got. I know how disappointed you must've been, knowing how I treated who was to be your son-in-law, because you didn't raise me like that. Please forgive me, Eommie. I love you."

Six passes. "Kyungwon... dear sister of mine. Yellow was your favorite color. Bright and complimentary for everyone's skin tone. Listen to Your Heart by Roxette was your favorite song. The smell of cinnamon and sugar was my favorite to wake up to. Cinnamon sugar toast and cinnamon sugar milk. I remember you and blame myself for your death every single day. Don't think that I forgot you for a second. I sent you to your death for Kihyun and it haunts me everyday. I'll see you soon."

Seven passes. The number of completion. "My world has never been darker than when I lost your love, care, and respect. You gave me a purpose for another number of months. You gave me life. You gave me... who I thought was me. Who you thought was me. I don't even know who I am anymore. I know who you are. You are the perfect man. Maybe not matched with your body yet. But you are the perfect gentleman and the man I aspired to be. You have always been more or a man than me. Everyone I've apologized to thus far, you've treated better than I have, even when they've done you dirty. You and Minhyuk would butt heads all the time. You took care of Jooheon when I couldn't. Kyungwon never liked anyone I ever dated and she loved you even in her dying moments. Wonho ruined the one you'd gotten to know and you still fought for him to get the help you needed. And you've fought for Benji since you found out about him. That's a man, Kihyun. A man I don't think I ever had to capability to be. As long as you're there, everyone will be okay. You are a light that's needed in this world. And yes, I love you. I love you, I like you. And I respect you. I respect you enough to take myself out of the equation and let you be free. I won't come for you anymore. I won't keep hovering. All this time, I thought I was protecting you. You've always been protecting me. You saved me from the roof and you shouldn't have. Every time I've tried, you've been there. I have no doubt in my mind that you'll be there when this car hits me. You always show up for me and I couldn't show up for you half the time. You've wasted time with me and that was so unfair. Please keep everyone safe. They love you much and so know you love them. I love you so much, Kihyun. I hope you can forgive me for everything I've done to hurt you."

When I heard the screech of the tires, I knew it was over. They couldn't stop. "He jumped out in front of me!" I just traumatized this poor woman. Please don't blame yourself...

"Don't you get emergency alerts on your goddamn phone? This is 47th street, you dumbfuck! Call for help!" A tear streamed down my face as I blacked out. Not that I wanted him to see this... experience this first hand for the fifth time. But I knew how much I fucked up when the last voice I heard wasn't Kihyun.