Through The Dark

24 - Olivia

24 - Olivia

I adjusted my backpack behind me and walked through the hallways, head down. Maybe that way no one would notice me and everything would be alright. This was the first time I wore a backpack since kinder garden. Now, what was more in fashion were the satchels, thing I had been wearing ever since it became a big boom. A lot of girls and even some boys followed suit after me. Back in the days when I was more or less a trendsetter in this school. Back when I mattered. 

Today, though, I left my satchel at home and got a military backpack my father had gotten for me a few years ago. It had always meant a lot to me, it was that little bit of him I had left now that he was gone, but my fashion side had forbidden me from using it. One always had to keep up with the trends and tendencies and never waver or use something that could be difficult to match or whatnot. It was one of the basic rules to looking good and drawing eyes to you.

I had not listened to it this time. I had shoved that annoying voice into the back of a drawer and put a lock on it. I was not only wearing a backpack to school, but I was breaking several other rules by also wearing plain jeans and a black t-shirt –thing I had never done before in my seventeen years alive in the face of this earth.

I would always wear skirts or dresses because that was what my mother advised and what magazines said was cute and would make you the center of attention. But I no longer cared about that. I did not want to be the center of attention anymore. I was a mess and I did not want people to see all of my flaws. It made me feel vulnerable.

And let's not forget that I no longer cared about pleasing my mother. I had done it for so long just to use it an as excuse for her to pay attention to me. I wanted to feel loved and seen by her. Hence the reason why I was always so kind and nice to everyone, why I went to parties and stood beside the people I did. I wanted to find in them the love I failed to find in my mother.

I thought that if everyone else loved me, she would have to love me as well. But I was done trying to find something that was not there. I could not force her to give me something she did not have. I was sure she had loved me once, but that was a long time ago. Our family was scarred beyond repair. We were broken and there was no glue that could put us back together. Even if it did, we would only fall back apart. My father failed to see that by leaving to Pakistan to deal with his own demons and problems, he had left us behind. He would find what a terrible mistake that was when he came back -if he ever did.

There was no makeup on my face to hide my bruises and the dark bags under my eyes. I did not intentionally hurt myself, but whenever I hit something or got hurt, my paled skin turned purplish and took a long time to recover. Probably my lack of appetite over the last months had influenced in that.

I even refused to do as much as brush my hair this morning. I had only pulled it up into a ponytail and hopped into my car. Even after I became the school's joke, the pariah, I dressed well, just like my mother had taught me. It was not actually teaching, honestly, she had forced me to do it, saying the first impression, and every single one after that one were important. Not even if you were at your lowest (which was my case) should people know. She had drilled it into my brain since a very young age, and I had lived by it ever after.

But lately I did not care about that. I realized that I was dressing for other people, when all I wanted was to feel comfortable in my own skin. And I did not feel comfortable in my own skin anymore, so why pretend by dressing up so nicely? I hated myself, my skin, my body. I did not want to keep pretending that was not true. Maybe if I did deal with it, I could get over it and go back to normalcy.

A snicker came from behind me and I heard some mutters. 'Bye, bridge girl!' someone shouted, making everyone in the hallway turn to see me. There went my attempt at not being the center of attention. I flinched as some people started laughing and hurried my steps. I could not block their voices much as I tried, I was too busy trying to block out my own demons.