Through The Dark

8 - Olivia

8 - Olivia

The pounding in my head was growing more prominent and I breathed in and out to block it out, failing miserably. I was not feeling that well and the hollowness I normally –yes, sadly it was a normal, regular feeling- felt inside my chest was aching to be recognized and demanded to be felt more than often. It was starting to scare me. I just felt numb, and as hard as I tried to wake myself up, it did not happen. It was as if I was watching myself on the edge of a cliff stumbling and could do nothing to stop myself from falling.

Today it seemed as if pain truly demanded to be felt, and that scared the living days out of me, days which I was not sure would be many more.

I was more eager than usual and anxiety was rushing thickly and strongly through my veins, making me feel on edge and just plainly uncomfortable. At any brusque movement anyone made, I jumped and panted nervously. It had earned me tons of odd looks today –thing that was not common for me since everyone looked up to me as if I was a goddess they were destined to follow. If only they knew how screwed up I was. It almost made me laugh. Just that it had been a while since I had laughed last.

I was also biting on my nails –something I normally did not do since my manicured hands were expensive on the making and also because I just found it plain gross. But today it was as if I was not in control of my body anymore. I was just a side bench spectator that would not even be heard.

On the bright side, a very dull but still with some light side, I was still halfway there. A few more hours and I would be done with school and I could get the hell out of here. Today I felt like not going to work. I could not just skip school because my mother would find out and she would use it as an excuse to tell my father I was misbehaving, something I could not allow to happen. If there was one person I cared about what they thought of me, that was my father.

I entered the only class where a male teacher did not try to insinuate to me late nights in exchange for good grades. It normally felt refreshing. Today I barely even acknowledged it.

Still, Physics was as obnoxious as ever, with the jerks and with the desperate girls trying to get their attention and not so secretly hating me for attracting every guy's attention. They pretended to like me just to get invited to the parties all these guys and the college boys I knew did. If only they knew how sickened I felt of myself and how I hated when a guy laid as much as his eyes on me. I was even tired of my boyfriend laying his eyes on me.

Especially since he only did so when he was needy, and then it was a lustful look. I knew he no longer cared about me and that when he could he cheated on me and had become an expert at covering his tracks. I had known it for a while, but I could not bring myself to break up with him. I was sure I would feel even more alone if I did so, and that could send me over the edge.

I huffed exasperatedly that the day was going by so slowly and walked with my head ducked down –like I had been doing all day long, I just really did not care what people thought anymore- towards my seat in the Physics classroom.

Several people called out my name and greeted me. Some of them questioned in a joking manner about my head ducked down, but none of them asked if I was fine. I dismissed them by simply not acknowledging them. It would be alright if it was because I was a bitch –which I had been called by people like Emmalyn Twain, and they were not all that wrong- but to know that I was doing it because I felt numb and as if I was sinking into a black hole, that terrified me.

It was as if I was losing myself and I was still conscious enough to acknowledge that. But I was not sure if I was not doing anything because I could not or because I did not care anymore. My mind was yelling at me that it was the second option but I urged it to go away, afraid of what I would do if I embraced it or listened to it.