Through The Dark

16 - Olivia

16 - Olivia

It was only when I was driving back home after dropping Emmalyn and her brother off at their place that I remembered I was supposed to run away today. But being in that ice cream parlor –the cutest little place you could ever imagine, with pastel colors and a life and soul of its own- with Emmalyn and her little brother, I...I felt somewhat relieved. Not happy, I doubted I would ever be happy again. I had been through too much pain as to put it aside and move on. But I did feel the burden in my chest slightly loosen up.

I smiled for the first time in a really long time today -a genuine, real smile. And not only that, I laughed. Like a full, out loud laughter that catches people's attention and makes them turn around to see who is laughing so hard and what about. It was almost magical, out of this world -for me, at least.

Emmalyn was right. Her little brother, Ben, did have a huge crush on me. The innocence of his crush, though, is what brought serenity to me (something I needed desperately today). I was so worked up after my discovery of Henry being the one who diffused my picture, and that he did so to humiliate me, had driven an even deeper whole into my heart.

I would have not made it through today without Emmalyn -as strange and foreign as that sounds in my mouth.

I still felt guilty for having punched her across the face when she did not do anything. I was so quick to blame her. I did not even give her a chance to explain. I just accused, yelled and punched. I had to apologize, but not now. I had too much going on in my mind like to ask for forgiveness.

My head was a wrecked mess at the moment. Now that I had not run away, I had no idea what my next step would be. I was too busy actually enjoying myself tonight as to think about that. I had more fun with two people than with the fifteen I had had surrounded myself with the past couple of years.

Hopping off the car, I let out a sigh of relief knowing that this was not the end –yet- and that I might just have a good night of sleep today. Even if I had no idea of what to do and if my future might just slip away, I had a feeling that I would dream with that ice cream parlor and with my laughter, with Ben, and maybe even Emmalyn, laughing along with me. That was far better than any of the haunting dreams I was used to.

I took my brand new backpack (I was tired of wearing a satchel just because it was chic, it was too uncomfortable) from the back seat of the car and put my sunglasses on my green shirt's neck hem. I closed the door behind me and trotted my way into the house –a place I should call home but that I knew I never would again; not even if my father came back, this place was just alien to me now- closing the door shut behind me. Today, strangely, I did not feel like throwing up just as I got into the house. That was a good sign.

Actually, after the ice cream I had –pistachio- I felt very hungry. It was the first time I felt hungry (like, for real) in a long time. It not only made me happy, but it scared me at the same time because I was not sure what it meant. Could I really have an eating disorder? I knew my eating habits had been bad, but it was not until tonight that I got so hungry for the first time in ages that I actually noticed I had not been eating properly –if at all- in the past months.

I shook my head to make the thoughts go away because I knew there was no space for them tonight. I had a lot to think over and my eating disorder was much more than I could handle for a day, well for a night of sleep, actually.

It was crazy how just a scoop of ice cream had swirled my day around. Of course, I used it as a major distraction from what had happened today with Henry in the cafeteria, in front of everyone.

I still had trouble admitting to myself that it was my long-time boyfriend and not my nemesis who posted the hundreds of copies of the picture of me trying to jump off a bridge all around the school. He could have saved me from committing suicide but he was busy taking a picture while taking another girl home to sleep with. Wow, even saying that to myself hurt more than I thought it would. I did not think I still loved him; it had probably been a while since I felt anything for him, but my pride had been hurt terribly, and the public humiliation he put me through was despicable, even for him. It was also the fact that he was the only constant thing I had left and now it was gone as well.