Through The Dark

22 - Olivia

22 - Olivia

I peeled an eye open and groaned sadly. My head did not feel that good. There was a consistent (sadly I did not only mean that it was persistent that day but truly consistent, since this was not the first time I woke up with a terrible headache from a night from which I probably wanted to forget all about) pounding that was brutally attacking it and my mouth felt terribly dry. My limbs felt heavy and I was sure that if I stood up –or as much as tried to- I would fall with a loud thud to the floor. The mere thought of that made my headache grow stronger.

As I remained on my bed unable to move for several seconds and without any clear vision or conscience, I grew aggravated. I was horribly nervous and afraid. I had gone out to enough parties and clubs to know that this was not just a simple hangover. This was something more, and it terrified me to no end. What had I done last night? How bad had I crossed the lines from everything I had done before?

With trembling hands and until I could move again, I checked myself for any signs of sexual activity and sighed relieved when I found nor felt none. There were no bruises or hickeys, no signs of anyone forcing themselves upon me or anything of those sorts. That was a great relief. I did not want to have to stand up to such a horrible mistake -one that could lead to terrible consequences one way or another.

But that only discarded one option. Someone may have not forced themselves upon me, or left any mark whilst doing so, but that did not mean that I was not with anyone willingly. I had not slept with anyone, but what about making out? What if I made out with someone horrible, like William? Or worse, Tobias!

I scratched my head and did an improvised braid with my hair to keep it out of the way. I searched for a hair band and when I found one, tied it to the end of my braid. I let a puff of air escape my lips as I just sat on my bed for a while. I had to get whatever had happened last night straight.

I did a thorough mental recount, trying to remember everything that I had done last night and fighting hard with myself not to forget anything. I had remembered seeing Tobias, even if the memory inside my head resembled a kaleidoscope, so I had to make sure with Emmalyn that I had not screwed everything up by as much as talking to him.

Oh my god, Emmalyn!

How would she even know if I had let her on her own! She had not been with me the entire night, until, I remembered, her finding me with some guy and helping me out of his grip. Oh boy, oh boy this was awful. It was supposed to be a night for me to have fun and let go, but after doing so I still woke up the next day feeling awful, pathetic and full of regret. Just like every other day. Nothing had changed. I had no idea why I was still here. Nothing was improving. My life still sucked, like always.

And there came the darkness again. That old friend that refused to let go of me.

I knew there was no one to blame but myself, nonetheless. This was my very own fault for letting go of her hand and wandering off on my own. How could I think I could handle this? I was too beaten up and desperate to think straight, let alone to survive a party on my own. But I just wanted to be free, to let go of all my inhibitions and problems for a night.

I had nothing left, or it felt like it, and I just wanted to drink my problems away and find someone who did not make fun of me or knew who I was. I wanted someone that did not know my past or my mistakes. I just wanted to feel accepted and loved. Was that too much to ask for?

I used to feel like I belonged somewhere before my bridge incident. Even if it was just a mirage, I had something. Now I had nothing. And it hurt more than I thought it would. I felt even emptier than before. My flaws and wrongdoings seemed even worse now that I had no one to relay on. I thought I would be capable to be on my own, to survive without any kind of support from anyone, but I was wrong. I was not strong enough to be out there on my own. I was not a person that could just shrug it all off and come smiling out on the other end.