Through The Dark

44 - Olivia

44 - Olivia

The next morning, as Emmalyn did the dishes and Ben played outside chasing some ducks that came into granny's backyard from the neighbor's sometimes, I sat in the living room with my grandmother. A vase of lilies lay in the table at which we had breakfast. It made me smile, that granny had remembered Emmalyn liked the flowers last night when we came in and that she had cut some of them to decorate the dining table. It also reminded me of Anna and made me feel happy.

'What has brought you here in the middle of the week, honey? I know the school year still isn't over,' my grandmother observed as she crossed her arms over her lap.

She looked concerned, and I knew it was better if I got to the point straight away. 'Dad is not coming back,' I blurted out. She gasped. 'For a year or two, at least,' I corrected myself, before she thought of something worse.

She relaxed. 'Oh...he still hasn't healed, has he?'

I shook my head and looked down to my feet. 'He took another mission. He tried to tell me but mom never let me talk to him.'

'That woman is despicable. Not allowing him to see his only child. She has got some nerve,' granny ranted viciously.

'And mom...well, since we are talking about mom...she -well, she is in Italy as we speak. Left a note for me and said she had no idea when she would be back -said she needed time.' It was until I said it out loud that I knew I felt bitter because of it. I hated my mother for failing me. I hated that I was not enough for her to stay, to be a mother -a real one.

'Oh god!' my grandmother hissed, holding her hands up to the sides of her temple. 'I told Marc not to marry that woman all those years ago and he ignored me,' she said in a low voice, more to herself than to me. 'Of course without her you would not be here and that is a blessing, but god, what an awful woman!' She groaned displeased. 'I hate that I was right about her,' she finally said after a long moment of silence. 'Olivia, dear, and who are you staying with?'

I pointed towards the kitchen. 'Emmalyn has been my rock for the past months, granny. Without her...well,' I huffed, feeling the tears welling up in my eyes. 'I've heard that talking about it helps one heal, but I just...I don't want to disappoint you,' I sobbed.

My grandmother put a hand on top of mine and squeezed reassuringly. 'I could never be disappointed by you, honey. There is too much of Anna and Marc in you. You are too good.'

I gasped, trying to choke a cry. 'You wouldn't say that if you knew what I wanted to do.'

'What is it, honey?' she urged.

'Granny...granny I tried to kill myself.' My voice was shaking but I carried on. 'That is how I started getting along with Emmalyn. She saved me from jumping from a bridge.' Now the words were rushing out of me and I did nothing to keep them in. I was tired of keeping everything to myself for lack of someone to hear me. 'I was so unhappy. Mom paid no attention to me. I had a job that I hated. I felt empty inside. I have felt so alone for so long. I had so much people around me after Anna died, but no one was really with me.'

There was an abrupt noise. Both my grandmother and I looked up and saw Ben frozen at the door, a smile faltering from his lips. It was then that I realized I was sobbing raggedly. Emmalyn appeared from the kitchen and pulled her little brother away, whispering into his ear that I was fine and that it was best to leave us alone.

I focused on breathing normally again, but after stealing a glance of my grandmother, who was crying as well, I let all my inhibitions loose and cried until my tears went dry. I cried until I felt the need to cry no more, until the pain was gone.