Music to My Ears

27

I started this story back in January and wanted to have it out by Valentine's day. But then I realized, I didn't want his story to be romantic. The message I wanted to convey with his story wouldn't be conveyed well if I added in romance. His is also only one chapter. There are other Idols who will also only have one chapter, but among BTS he may be the only one.

This is not hate. This is not favoritism. I truly feel like with how closed off he is this singular chapter captures the kind of person he would be if he weren't an Idol. This was going to be a singular chapter story called 'TELL ME THE TRUTH' but I decided to just add it into the story.

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"My name is J-Hope, I'm not allowed to be sad."

"Yes you are. You are a human who needs to vent out their feelings." Another day, another argument. J-Hope, one of the most popular dancers who's been to numerous interviews, performed countless shows, and has a large amount of followers online. Here was Suga, again telling him to stop faking.

"No, I can't.  Not me. I need to stay level headed and happy because when everyone around me is depressed I can't let myself go down with them. I'm the smile people expects to see."

Suga swore, "You are the most depressed out of everyone here. They're trying to cheer you up by showing you it's okay to be open and honest with your fans." Suga was talking about the many backup dancers Hoseok had met, and many performers he was 'friends' with. 

Hoseok looked away, his eyes were getting a bit glossy, "I joined this business with the intention of being the big brother who helps the others. No one should be helping me with my problems."

"But you're helping them with their's! Let them do the same! Your fans love you and want the best for you, be more honest."

"Hoseok shook his head, I'll keep pretending. I don't care if I die-"

"Don't you dare talk about death. Too many idols have been lost already and you shouldn't be next. Hiding away emotions and concealing everything is how they go to that point where they didn't know what else to do. Cutting people out of their problems is why they were alone in their final moments. I'm not about to allow that to happen to you."

"I'm not suicidal!" Hoseok screamed, there he was. The angry Hoseok that was always kept hidden. Tucked away in a corner, rarely ever shown.

"Why do you think you know what's best for me? Huh? What makes you think you know my actions better than me? Huh? Shut up! You don't know me as well as you think so shut up and stop telling me what to do!" He kept shouting, kept stating that he could take care of himself as a grown man.

Suga looked at Hoseok's clenched fist, his rising and dropping chest, "Are you telling me this? Or is this what you want to tell everyone else?"

He couldn't stop the tears. They revolted against his pride, against his steel nerves. They flowed out and traveled down his face as he silently shook his head. Suga, looking around the hallway, pulling him into his recording studio and sat him down on the sofa, sitting beside him.

"Do you wish you could fool everyone? Wish that you could keep this secret forever?" Hoseok nodded, getting a tissue to clean his face.

"How do they find these things out? If only Tae hadn't let it slip that I'm the saddest-"

"You can't expect to keep fooling everyone. They're too kind. Your heart is too pure and selfless to be able to hold a lie well. To be able to fool enough people. Plus, Mickey kind of gives it away."

"How does a dog give it away?"

"Dogs are a reflection of their owners. Their personality is determined by who they're around the most. People were going to suspect something once they saw a quiet dog with no will."

Hoseok sniffed, the mood a little lighter, "She betrayed me."

"She's more honest than you."

"She doesn't have millions of people relying on her to be positive." To always be the 'comedic relief' and the personification of happiness." 

"You don't either."

"Stop saying that! Yes I do! I read the comments, I know what they say when I go live. I'm the ay of sunshine and happiness that everyone wants and expects."

"I don't understand. Why keep doing this to yourself? They don't want you to keep forcing yourself!"

"If I can't be happy for myself I might as well be happy for them. They would never accept or love me if they saw who I was. They already don't! I'm a performer, and I will keep performing my whole life."

"I care. I know and I still accept you. If I can why can't anyone else?"

"You liking my true self won't stop my career from falling and burning. I did this to myself when I chose the stage name J-Hope, I'll deal with it myself."

"That won't happen. The people who truly matter in your life are here for you, and love you. Your fans will too, they'll love you even more if you just open up." Silence followed, Hoseok had finished drying his tears and was beginning to breath normally. Suga waited for him to talk, to bring up how he was wrong.

"Dancing is my life, I can't lose that."

"Once you realize that you won't, it will be easier."

Hoseok gave a dead laugh and laid down on the sofa. "You haven't read the comments. Yeah, I'm popular, but do you know what the comments really say? I'm not a person in their eyes. I'm a smile that can dance. When I go live it's people asking to speak to Jimin, they care more about him and his looks. I never get compliments on my visuals, never do they tell me how attractive I am. It's nitpicking, telling me how to dress and act, demanding that I satisfy their desires. I'm a puppet."

Suga stood up to sit next to Hoseok. "If you could quit, without any backlash, would you?" Hoseok couldn't answer.

"If everyone's memories of you were wiped clean, and you could start over, would you still do this to yourself?" 

"Of course not."

"Why are you so scared of changing you image? It happens all the time among performers as they age, and every time the fans accept the new image."

"It won't work for me. J-Hope isn't an image, it's a person."

"J-Hope is a lie you made up and some fans are wanting the truth from you."

"Some. Everyone else loves the lie. Everyone believes the lie, or would rather believe it, and want me to get out of the way."

"Then why not do it? Why not leave this life you have, go somewhere else, and start again?" Hoseok had no real answer. He had thought of such a thing, but he could never bring himself to image doing it.

"Who's more scared of the truth? Them? Or you?"