Viciously in Love

Twenty three.

Song for this chapter: Girl - SYML

Liz has been walking around the house for almost an hour. She brought me tea, a blanket, chicken soup and a hand full of pills. I've been feeling awful in the past few days. I can't eat anything and I have a horrible headache. Liz says that I'm very pale and that I should go to the hospital. I already asked her to not worry, because I will be fine. It's just a cold. It's not a big deal.

"Can I at least give you a consult? Here. You don't even have to get up the couch." she asks worried.

"I told you, I'm fine. You don't have to worry this much." I say trying not to roll my eyes. "But if it will make you feel better..." I say noticing she's still worried.

*

Liz took my temperature, measured my blood pressure, looked down my throat and is now looking at me both skeptical and worried.

"How's your appetite lately?"

"Hard to say... I didn't exactly have time to be hungry lately..."

"Any headaches?"

"Comes and goes. But yeah, I have a lot of those."

"Any muscle pain? Swollen wrists?" she asks and I nod. "How about changes to your skin? Are more sensitive to the sun? Do you get bruses easly? Any random irritations?" she asks twice as worried when I nod again.

"What's going on?"

I don't know when Jake showed up, but he's now looking at me worried and conffused at his mother.

"Nicole... sweetheart... I think we should go to the hospital. Just to make sure it's not anything serious." she says trying to smile.

*

I've been looking at the ceiling, listening to my heartbeats for God knows how long. Jake is sitting on a chair near me. He hasn't said anything since we got here. Liz is somewhere around the hospital. She's investigating God knows what's happening with me. It's just a cold. It should be just a cold.

Jake gets up the chair the second Liz walks into the room. She has tears in her eyes which already makes me want to cry.

"Sweetheart, I checked all your labs and I've talked with some of my coligues..." she says avoiding to look me in the eyes.

"And?" Jake says almost yelling.

"Have you ever heard of something called Lupus?" her voice breaks.

I frown and I clench my fist trying to stop the tears. I shake my head. Sounds like something that's going to kill me.

"It's a chronic autoimmune disease. It affects different organs, especially your skin, joints, blood, kidneys and the central nervous system. It's not deadly, but it doesn't have a cure yet."

I put my hands on my face, shaking. I put pressure on my eyes so I wouldn't cry. But I fail. Teardrops fall down my cheeks. I feel the need to scream, to hit something.

This is not happening. This can't be happening to me. It's impossible. All my life, I've been a good person. I never hurt anyone on purpose, I never wished for someone's unhappiness, I never put my health in danger, I was - at least I tried to be - the perfect child for my parents. And yet this happens.

It doesn't have a cure.

   Mrs Warren's words are spinning around in my head now. That means I will be like this for the rest of my life? Like a vegetable? That I will be suffering constantly?

"So now what?" I sigh after a few minutes of silence. "I should just get up and walk out of here? Just like that? There is no cure, so I can leave, right? I can go pray that my death will be quick and painless." I say raising my voice.

"Nicole..." she says between her tears. "As long as you take your medication and you stay away from stress, everything will be just fine. There will be some minor changes in your life... but eventually, changes come, you know that. I will personally monitor you. Every month will do some tests to make sure that nothing takes us by surprise. I promise you, nothing bad will ever happen to you." she whispers grabing my hand.

How am I supposed to do this?

I suddenly feel lonely. I need a hug. I need to hear my mother's voice. I need her to tell me that everything's fine and that she loves me. I need her to tell me she's here. I need her to be here.

Liz gets up my bed and goes out on the hall after she makes sure I have everything I need.

The moment she walks out the door, I start crying. I feel weak, alone and helpless. I want to wake up. This... All of this is just a bad dream. A fucking nightmare. It has to be. I refuse to believe this is reality. I refuse to believe that God did this to me, that He doesn't care about me.

A disease without a cure. But it's not deadly.

Jake gets closer to me and hugs me. I don't push him away. I actually hug him as hard as I can. I need this. I need him. I need someone. I need to stop crying. I need to not be sick. I need to not be alone. I need this not to be real.

"I'm scared." I whisper still in his arms.

"It's ok. It's going to be ok. I'm here. I'm with you and I'm not going anywhere. You're not alone, babe."