Viciously in Love

Sixty five.

Song for this chapter: Leaving My Love Behind - Lewis Capaldi

"Worst movie ever!" he sighs while closing his laptop.

"You wanted to watch it." I laugh.

"I thought it will be good... Apparently I was wrong." he puts his laptop on his nightstand and focuses on playing with my fingers. "What do you want to do now?"

"Well..." I sigh getting up. "Since you asked..." I take a deep breath. "I've been thinking about something..."

"Oh, no. What did I do now?" he mumbles and I laugh.

"What?"

"You have the same serious face as when we're about to break up." he sighs.

"I have a break up face?" I laugh.

"Sort of." he jumps his shoulders. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Well... We never got to talk about what will happen after I leave." I say getting serious.

"Wow." he says surprised by the subject.

"I know, it's just... We do have to talk about it."

"Is there something to talk about?" he mumbles and I frown confused. "I mean... I thought we're just going to... make it work."

"That's what I wanted to talk about..." I take a deep breath. "I think we should actually break up."

"Break up?" he frowns.

"Jake..."

"I don't want to break up... Nicole... You're the first girl I had the courage to love... I'm not just giving up on you." he grabs my face in his hands.

"It's not that simple..." I sigh making him roll his eyes. "Ok, then what do you want to do?"

"Live our lives happily until then and after that... I don't know..."

"Exactly." I interrupt him. "I wanted to talk about the "I don't know"." I sigh. "The part that's going to hurt the most."

"Why does it have to hurt?"

"Fine. I'll put it this way... Let's say we won't break up. How are we going to "make it work"?" I say making him sigh. "I don't believe in long-distance relationships... just so you'd know."

"You don't?" he frowns.

"No... How can a relationship like that work? When two people are leaving two completely different lives, in two different places... I find it hard to believe it can actually work... Just think about it." I continue when I notice he wants to protest. "7 hours difference. When I'd go to sleep you'd be in class, probably... When I'd wake up you'd be sleeping... When you'd wake up I would be at school or at work... How can we make that work?"

"We'll text." he grabs my hands. "And we'll facetime in weekends..."

"For how long?" I look at him feeling the tears trying to surface. "Until we won't love each other anymore? Or until one of us finds someone else? Or until we just start hating each other? It never works, Jake." I sigh.

"Then what? We break up?" he raises his voice.

"Do you have a better idea?"

"Come back here, after you finish high school." he says and I almost start laughing.

"I can't afford it."

"You can apply for a student loan."

"And be in debt for the rest of my life?" I frown.

"I will help you." he looks at me trying to convince me.

"For how long? Jake... We fight all the time. How can you assure me, coming here wouldn't be a bad idea? How can you assure me I won't end up alone?" he closes his eyes defeated. "Plus... I can't abandon my family."

"I'll come with you." he mumbles and this time I actually laugh.

"You'll come with me in a foreign country, without knowing the language, having any money or guaranty that you won't regret it? Fine. Let's say we'll make that one work... What if you'll wake up one morning and you'll realize you hate your life. Because of me. Because you decided to abandon everything you have here, in Chicago, to come with me? What are we going to do then?"

I wipe my tears away and I look down at my hands trying to calm down.

I already thought about any possible outcome to any possible and impossible plan. It's risky and crazy and scary... it's a bad idea. All of them are bad ideas.

"So we're just giving up." he looks at me mad.

"Do you have any better idea?"

"We can figure it out!"

"When it's already too late?" I raise my voice. "Anything else than a break up, will hurt us even more... Trust me... I thought about it."

"So after you get on that plane, we will never talk or see each other? We'll just forget about each other. Like nothing ever happened." he says, his voice beginning to break.

"We don't have to forget. Just to move on."

"So, that's it." he whispers. "You'll leave in a few days and that would be it."

I look at him and how heartbroken he is right now and I feel so much worse than I thought I will. He was counting on us making it work, while I was counting on him being... not broken.

I jump on him, sticking my nose into his t-shirt, so I can hide my tears. I focus on his touch, his smell, his heartbreak, hoping I can hold on to this moment for the rest of my life. I look up at him when I feel him shake and I break in a million pieces when I see him cry. I grab his face and I stick my forehead to his.

"I love you. I love you with every shred of my soul. Nothing... not distance, time, a person... nothing will ever change the way that I feel about you." I whisper to him.

"I promise you, no one will ever matter to me the way you do. I won't love anyone else the way I love you... and I will never, ever, forget you, Nicole. Because I love you with every shred of my soul, for the rest of my life, until my last breath."