If I Could

{84} - Nevermore

This chapter is dedicated to JaquelineSanMar ♥️ and I know I have some tags left to do I will do them in the next chapter!

A few seconds after Belle told Ben she was pregnant it started to rain, subsequently making the weather chillier, the breeze cold enough to make anyone shiver.

But it's not the weather which leaves Ben Hardy shaking.

It's Belle's words.

"What?". Ben swears to God he'd do anything for this to be a dream. But it isn't. It's one of the few times in his life he's truly left speechless, his face shifting from joy to anguish in less than a microsecond. His head immediately starts to hurt just by thinking how big of a problem this is, how this not only means he's becoming a father but also how this means his cousin's wife is probably the mother of his child. He swallows down the panic in his throat to speak, but there's such a strong knot in it and it's so painful that Ben thinks he may never be able to talk again. "How — how far along are you? Does Roger know about this?".

"I'm eight weeks pregnant and no, he doesn't know." Belle feels like the most despicable person that has ever walked the Earth. Hearing Ben speak with so much fear and horror in his voice breaks her heart, feeling scorching hot tears well up in her eyes. It brings her pain.

But a different type of pain.

"I haven't told anyone yet. You're the first one to know."

"And you're.. sure you're pregnant, right?", Ben murmured, worry evident in his cracking voice as he only stares at the water in the River Thames. His brain is having the wildest time trying to conceive — no pun intended — the fact that Belle might have his child growing inside of her. "I mean, you've taken a blood test and all."

"Yeah, I took one three days ago. HCG levels 80,000. It's due in April."

This is Belle's second pregnancy, obviously. She cannot believe this is her second pregnancy and it's still not Roger's child. This pregnancy is creepily similar to the first one. But different. Very different. Completely different. Because when she was pregnant with Alice, she didn't have any doubts eating away her sanity. Sure, it was an unplanned pregnancy — but she knew it was Rami's child, and Rami was her boyfriend. Ben's her husband's cousin. Ben's not her boyfriend. She doesn't even like him romantically. She didn't even sleep with him because she wanted to. Ben looks at her. Her eyes are black, completely, so opaque that Ben can't make out her pupil. She's beautiful even when she's sad, but the vibe she's giving off is horrible. It makes him shake even more, she's so full of shame that it looks like she's made of it.

Belle feels like she'll nevermore feel peace again. The thought of Roger, her husband, being her child's uncle instead of father is something so horrible, so extreme and still able to be inside of her body.

"I'd like to assume there's the possibility that the child isn't mine," Ben speaks as he contemplates Belle's crestfallen gaze. It amazes him how painfully gorgeous she looks. She's pretty even when she's hitting rock bottom.

"There is," Belle nods. "But there's no way to know until the baby's born, you know? Prenatal paternity tests are invasive and needless to say I don't want to lose the baby."

"Belle, I—..." Ben doesn't know what to say, he doesn't even have an idea of what he could say. Well, he does have an idea, but he doesn't know how to put his feelings into words. His throat stings. "First of all, let me start off by saying that you have all of support, regardless if the child is mine or not." What Ben means is that she'll be there for her regardless of the situation, Ben is so infatuated with her that he could even help her hide a corpse if she asked him to. "I completely understand how you wouldn't want to lose Roger. If the baby is mine, I don't mind not being his legal father as long as you let me have a place in their life."

Belle appreciates Ben's flexibility to follow what she decides is best for herself but she can't believe he just said what he said. If Ben is the father of her child, then his child and the whole world will know he's its father. Of all the people in the world, there are maybe four she would be so honest with: Roger, Brian, John and Freddie. He loves Roger too much to lie to him, to make a fool out of him by making him believe that Ben's child is what came out from their marriage, their love, by making him care, love and provide for a child that isn't his. Belle's done many questionable things in her life — possibly being pregnant with Ben's child taking the number one spot — but she would never, never lie to Roger and make a fool out of him.

"Ben," Belle calls his name but she has no idea what to say either. She stays in silence for a few seconds and realises it's been a while since she's stopped thinking of Ben as just Ben anymore. Now she thinks of him as "Ben, the person with whom she possibly shares a child with", "Ben, with whom she will probably share grandchildren with" and "Ben, with whom she will share Roger's hatred with", things like that. The anguish is eating her alive, making everything look disgusting. London is disgusting. The sky is disgusting. The tall buildings are disgusting. The River Thames is disgusting. Everything under the situation she's living in is disgusting. "If this child is yours, you shall give him your surname."

Ben is confused, but he thinks he has a lot of time to figure out what Belle's saying.

"Belle, listen to me," Ben gently brings his right hand up to her cheek to make Belle look at him. "You don't have to torture yourself like this. You're not sure if the baby is mine or Roger's. You should do what's best for you and your child and try to live through your pregnancy in peace. If the baby is Roger's you will regret spending such special pregnancy in sorrow."

Belle knows what Ben is trying to say, sees the point of his sentence very clearly. It's kinda true, she knows there's as much of a possibility of her baby being Ben's as it has of being Roger's. She shouldn't worry just in case she's finally expecting her first child with the man he loves the most on Earth.

But reality dictates this just isn't how it's going to work.

"I know, Ben, and the problem isn't that I'm pregnant, the problem is that—" Belle breaks down in tears, the night's silence is perforated by Belle's sobs. "I never thought I would find myself in this situation. It's the lowest point of my life."

"Don't cry, Belle. It's gonna be all right." Ben pulls Belle into an embrace, wrapping his arms around her exhausted body, and it's not his cologne or scent what eases Belle's mind a little.

It's the warmth and security that does the trick for her.

She tells that to him.

"Thank you, Ben. You make me feel like I'm not alone, going through this on my own."

Ben smiles.

"You'll never be alone as long as I'm alive."

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Roger Taylor shuts his bedroom door slightly so he doesn't wake Belle, who's sleeping. He had just come back home from a meeting at Taylor Enterprises that literally took hours longer than expected. He saw that one of the windows had been opened slightly so she could feel the cold air blowing in, that was a weird thing about Belle, how she always liked to feel the cold air even if she was cold. There was a little bit of light from the Moon and street light coming in through the window, illuminating his wife's bedside table. He sees something that catches his attention:

A document, a blood test.

With high hCG levels. He remembers what that means from Catherine's pregnancies.

He checks the date - only three days ago.

His wife is pregnant.

Belle is pregnant.

And Roger has never felt happier.