If I Could

{83} - I'm Going Slightly Mad

This chapter is dedicated to Djmon472 thank you all for your support always!

Two months later

Belle Taylor knows what's happening.

Of course she knows, she knew it from the moment she abruptly awoke Roger at 4:30 a.m. by the sound of retching. She told him it was foodborne illness and Roger forgot about it the next day.

Belle Taylor knows what's happening.

She knew it from the moment she stopped being able to go for long periods of time with only a couple hours of sleep at night. Now she had to at least get around six hours of sleep to get out of bed in the morning.

Belle Taylor knows that's happening.

She knew it from the moment she started getting déjà vus about moments that had taken place the previous year. She didn't know whether to feel nostalgia for the past (just because of the mere fact she wasn't going through this situation) or to feel happy it was over (because the déjà vu moments were pretty ugly as well). Fate was a cruel thing, destiny not kinder to either the Belle of the past or the Belle of the present. If it was possible, she would choose to be dead for a few days, only to escape the pain that always followed after crashing into her reality at some point in time, no matter how busy she was.

And she feels like she's living in another world. She just doesn't feel any other emotion that isn't harrowing anguish anymore. She's being haunted, she can't even do her job properly, even Ben is mad at her for exacerbating her performance as a psychotherapist. She wonders if she will even become a psychiatrist someday — her condition will change her future forever, and she barely has any willpower left to study anyways.

Belle Taylor knows what's happening.

And she's glad her father is working overseas, because she knows that if Freddie saw her right now he would instantly know what's going on. She mentally apologises to any unforeseen problems she's caused to the people close to her for her lethargic attitude nowadays. She's suddenly forgotten so many important details. Whatever happened to Alice's christening? Oh, right, that's taking place in two weeks after Rami comes back from the United States.

It is such bad timing, really. She would do anything for Alice to spend a few days with her father, she's been feeling too under the weather to enjoy taking care of her daughter. Obviously Belle is very thankful Alice is a perfectly healthy baby, more curious than ever before, teething, now she crawls and she's even strong enough to pull herself up to a standing position while holding onto a chair or a sofa. Belle hates herself for not enjoying those little milestones, she stares at Alice in her sleep and asks her for forgiveness all the time.

But Belle knows that if Alice felt the pain her mother was feeling, she would me able to understand.

Belle's going slightly mad. It's bad, so bad, she can't even manage to look at Roger in the eye anymore. So when he began wondering what was happening to his wife, she just blamed it on all on work. Sometimes she can't believe she did this to herself — she had a beautiful daughter, she was married to the man of her dreams and she had three wonderful stepchildren. And now her life will never be the same, she is at a great risk of never being at peace with herself again.

Belle Taylor knows what's happening.

And since she knows, she's called Ben Hardy to let him know.

She wishes he wouldn't have to know.

And Ben wonders, wonders what's so horrible to make Belle sound like she could commit suicide before he even makes it to the place of their rendezvous. He's worried for her since she has been acting so strange lately, so he's glad he's finally getting to know what's going on.

He drives as fast as he can.

There he finds her: Freddie Mercury's daughter sitting on a bench by the River Thames, so pale by the reflection of the Moon that it seems that it is her own skin what glows. There is a freezing breeze, but she doesn't move.

Ben can't help but press his lips in concern. It's weird seeing her like this. It isn't weird, it hurts — she looks far removed from the pretty and cheerful psychotherapist he sees every day at work. Now she is just the living definition of the word sadness.

"Belle," Ben places a hand on her shoulder as he sits right next to her, now that he's seeing her closer he can see that her cheeks a little reddened by the icy air. No stars are seen, only the Moon, and Ben thinks that with the astronomical body and Belle there's enough brightness in the night. "What's wrong?".

Belle looks at Ben and immediately feels nausea churning her intestines like weak old stew, she doesn't know if she's feeling that because of her condition or because she's about to ruin Ben's life too. She sighs, trying to calm the pain that the goddamn knot in her throat causes her, without success. The air seemed increasingly cold, perhaps because it's too late — or too early — in the night, the inappropriate hour only attributed to the fact Ben was busy attending an emergency at the hospital.

"I'm pregnant."

"Really?", Ben smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling due to how big he was smiling. "But Belle, that's aweso—

Ben stops talking when everything suddenly hits him at once.

Oh.