If I Could

{62} - Misfire

As soon as Astryr entered the room, Gwilym saw her and felt two things: happiness and fear.

"I can't believe you came," Gwilym's hands shook as he was sitting in one of the elegant brown wing chairs situated in the room. Once again, seeing Astryr in the flesh after so many time felt so bizarre.

"Of course I did. Why wouldn't I? I haven't heard from you in years," Astryr said matter-of-factly as she sat next to Gwilym,

"Well, you know, I'm nothing more than your ex. Something told me that I probably wasn't relevant to you anymore." Gwilym felt his cheeks starting to burn.

"Nothing more than my ex?", the corner of Astryr's eyes crinkled, repeating Gwilym's words with evident ridicule. "For Goodness' sake, Gwilym. You formulate your sentences way too poorly to be a doctor."

Astryr was right. They both had endured so much together just for Astryr to simply consider him an ex. If anything, Gwilym was much more than everything: her confidante, her ally, her strength.

There was a brief moment of silence.

"I just want to know how you are doing now," Gwilym spoke, hasty and hot-faced. He needed a better topic of conversation. "Do you have a job?".

"I don't work, no," Astryr responded, looking at Gwilym's big grey eyes with a friendly smile. "Turns out being a socialité is better than being a graphic designer."

"Oh, I don't doubt that," Gwilym giggled.

"What about you? Why did you leave Wales?".

"I simply wanted a change of air," Gwilym confessed as he clasped his hands together. "Thankfully, I had no trouble finding a job in London. I'm happy here. And my sister just moved back here, so everything's going great."

"What?", Astryr's eyes sparkled. "Mailen is out of rehab?".

"Yes, Astryr," Gwilym smiled.

"That's amazing," Astryr chirped. "Please tell her I say hi. But before you do, could you please stop calling me Astryr? People only call me Astryr when they're mad at me. I'm Michelle."

"Oh, of course. Sorry, I didn't realise I was doing that," Gwilym apologised. "Anyways, what can you tell me about.. your marriage? Is everything going all right with Ben?", Gwilym asked, praying he wouldn't have to hear a long speech about what a wonderful husband Ben was. He only wanted 'yes' o 'no' for an answer.

Maybe Gwilym should stop asking the questions he doesn't want answers for.

"Yes," Michelle replied with a slightly more enthusiastic tone than before. "It's going very well. You know, sometimes it's hard because he's a doctor and I wish he was home more often, but I am very happy with him nonetheless," Michelle smiled. "He's perfect."

"That's amazing, You deserve this, I'm very happy for you." Gwilym's words were weak. Everything in him felt weak.

"What about you? Are you seeing someone?".

"I'm not," Gwilym denied. "Too busy with work. I don't have time for love. My shifts are going be longer for the next three weeks. One of my colleagues is on paternity leave. So I hope you and Ben aren't planning on becoming parents right now for the sake of my love life."

"Oh, don't worry about that," Michelle chuckled but her eyes looked downcast. "I don't even know if Ben wants to have children at all."

"What?", Gwilym's facial expression hardened. "You haven't told him yet?".

There was a short moment of silence, again. Of course there was silence this time.

"No," Michelle spoke with a composed but harsher tone in her voice. "Can we - can we please not talk about this subject, Gwilym? I've had enough of it", she asked as her held back tears.

Gwilym wanted, needed to leave the room as soon as possible before Michelle lost her cool but he simply couldn't. What the Hell was Michelle doing with her life? How come Ben, her very own husband, didn't know such a crucial and all-encompassing fact about her?

"No," Gwilym firmly denied. "Michelle, are you aware of the extent of this situation? It's terrifying, cruel even, for you to hide such thing from the person you married."

"I am aware of what I'm doing, do not worry about that." There was a red hot hate inside of Michelle, an intangible hate for the topic Gwilym had just touched and she was losing her patience quickly. "What I decide to confide my husband is none of your goddamn business, Gwilym."

"But why are you hiding that from your husband?", Gwilym insisted as disbelief travelled his whole body. "Isn't that.. simply disrespectful? For God's sake, Michelle. What the Hell? Have you really not told him yet?".

And for the first time in his life, Gwilym was scared. No, it wasn't the kind of scared with tingly butterflies and sweaty palms. Gwilym was terrified, truly terrified, of what would happen next, of what Michelle's reaction would be. He knew perfectly well this subject was the most delicate subject of Michelle's life and he wanted to die right in that very single instant for having crossed a line he should have never crossed for any reason at all.

Michelle gritted her teeth, lungs burning for the breath she couldn't seem to catch. She slowly turned her head towards Gwilym and glanced at him with intense and deep indignation.

"No, Gwilym, for God's sake!", Michelle shouted as she swiftly stood up and faced Gwilym with burning anger in her eyes. "You need to start minding your own goddamn business. I never thought you could be such an insensitive and imprudent person. I'll see myself out," Michelle walked towards the door, grasping tightly onto her clutch bag.

"What you're doing is simply disrespectful and cruel, Mich—

Gwilym didn't even manage to finish his sentence when Michelle turned back and slapped him, and slapped him hard. Gwilym yelped before he could even protect himself, neck hurting so incredibly bad as he slid down the ground. Michelle scooted out of the place as if her life depended on it, not caring about hurting Gwilym because she believed he deserved it for being so thoughtless. She started to cry, she really couldn't feel anything  except for profound and all-consuming sadness. Why did such thing have to happen to her? Why couldn't she be like other women? Do the other women understand how lucky they are just because they're normal?

Meanwhile, Gwilym started to cry.

And Belle Bulsara was looking for him, until she finally found him, sprawled on the floor.

"My God, Gwilym, are you okay?", Belle asked as she quickly entered the room, immediately helping Gwilym rise to his feet, taking his hand and supporting his back with her other arm.

"I am - I'm fine, I'm just really sore," Gwilym said as he lightly touched his cheek, which had a burning red mark on it. "Michelle slapped me.. and she did it with so much strength that I directly fell to the floor."

Belle frowned. Why would Michelle slap Gwilym?

"Why? What did you do?", Belle asked with confusion.

"I brought up a subject I shouldn't have mentioned," Gwilym winced. "How sad, Belle. I simply wanted to re-connect with Michelle. Instead I ruined her night. Why do my plans always misfire?".

"You need to explain me absolutely everything, Gwilym," Belle demanded. "I cannot find a logical explanation for what's going on. Why does Michelle know you? Why do you know Michelle? Why does everyone in London know each other?".

"Oh, trust me. There's an explanation. And it makes a lot of sense, actually."

"Then you need to tell me what is it."

"Lock the door," Gwilym asked. "I don't want anyone to be able to interrupt me as I tell.. the most heartbreaking story of my life."

Belle did as Gwilym asked and she quietly locked the door, feeling intense curiosity about what Gwilym would say. She sat in the chair where Astryr was sitting and Gwilym looked at Belle in the eyes.

It was a long story to tell.