Belated Blessings

Chapter 9: Feelings

I was just driving with no destination in mind. My thoughts and emotions were all over the place. It broke me hearing my wife say that all she needed was me and my presence, but yet and still, here I was planning to go on the Flint trip with my colleagues. The truth is, I didn't have to go, I wanted to go. I needed some space to breathe and clear my mind.

 When I was home, I had to deal with Elise's emotions and pains and never had time to process my own. Every time I looked at my wife, I saw how broken she was. This is not the same woman I married; she was a shell of herself. Today was the first day that she even looked close to being herself. I knew she was looking for someone or something to blame, but the facts are shit happens. We just have to take it and roll with it. 

 I pulled up to my brother's gym deciding that a little cardio and weight lifting would help to ease the stress and tension radiating throughout my body. I grabbed my bag that I always kept in the trunk and made my way inside. The cool breeze from the air conditioning was a stark contrast to 90 something heat, indicating that Summer was in full swing. I went into the locker room to change and then made my way to the treadmill to warm up. 

 "What's up bro?" I heard him speak. I turned my head slightly to the left to see my brother, Jayme, standing there. I placed both feet on either side of the treadmill to pause and give my brother dap. He handed me a bottle of water and laid a towel across the arm of the equipment. 

"What's going on Jay," I said after removing the room temperature water from my lips. 

 "What are you doing in here, you normally do mornings? How's my sister", he inquired. I knew he would ask about her. Jayme had a close relationship with Elise, to the point where if he had to choose a side, he'd pick her every time. The same went for my mom. 

"I just needed to release some stress. Elise is actually doing better. She got out of bed and got dressed today, so that's progress," I responded emphatically. I was actually proud of her. She had spent the last week and a half in the bed, her daily attire was t-shirts and boxers. She always kept the blinds shut making the house seem dark and haunted. I kept things short with my brother. I didn't want to tell him about my trip because I know that would be asking for trouble.

 " Aw, man! I'm glad to hear that. I'm still waiting for the okay to come visit here. I'm just trying to give her space to breathe and mourn. How are you holding up though?' Jayme asked while staring intently into my eyes. He was looking as if he was searching for something. How did I feel? Was I actually holding up? I'm not actually sure how to answer that question. I mean, I'm hurt. I lost my son, who wouldn't be. Beyond shedding tears at the hospital, I have yet to cry anymore. Was I that disassociated with the situation? I know that I wanted my son and wished he were still here giving his mama hell, but he wasn't, and those were the facts. The biggest thing for me was getting back to my usual routine. I know Elise didn't have that luxury since she had roughly a month left on summer vacation. 

 "I'm just taking it one day at a time man, that's all I can do" I replied honestly. There was nothing else to be said for my actions. I took each day as it came and persevered through whatever it brought along with it.

" Well, that's good. You know if either of you needs me, I'm there. I love you, bro! I'm going to let you get back to your workout, I just wanted to check in on you. Lay eyes on you, as the old folks would say", Jayme said with a slight chuckle, although I knew he was serious. This was my big brother, who took on the role of the father once my dad left. He didn't altogether abandon us, he just was no longer in the house with us, so he was not as accessible as he was before. Which reminds me, I need to check in with my own kids.

I turned off the treadmill and traveled back to the locker room to get my bag, no longer in the mood to work out. I thought about calling the kids, but I figured I would call them in the morning. I got in my car, riding home in silence, not complete silence, my thoughts were still swirling around in my head making a whirring noise that was beginning to make me dizzy.

I walked into the house and made my way up the bedroom to shower and get some rest. When I walked into the bedroom, I noticed the bed was empty, and there was no light coming from the bathroom which let me know Elise was not in there. I backpedaled out of the room and down the hall to the guest room, remembering that Elise was having a hard time showering in our bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw her curled on her side with her glasses on and her bible laying on the pillow. I removed her glasses and pulled the comforter up further on her body.

I picked up her Bible and the highlighted parts immediately caught my attention, Psalms 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." I continued to scan until I got to the next highlighted section, Psalm 46:5, "God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God shall help her, in that right early." I allowed the words within the text to sink in. God was definitely in my wife. You could tell by the way she loved others. I left the Bible opened on that page and sat it on the nightstand beside the bed, alongside her glasses. I gently kissed her forehead and turned the bedside lamp off. 

I stalked my way to our bedroom thinking about my wife and just how phenomenal and powerful she was. Here I was questioning God and wavering in my faith while she clung to hers. I guess she is the stronger one although exteriorly it doesn't seem that way. I began to undress and discard my clothes in the hamper as I made my way to the bathroom. The smell of Dove body wash immediately hit my nose. She showered in here. 

I stood frozen and amazed. Here I thought that my wife was fragile and weak. Her constant sulking led me to believe that she was okay with the nothingness she felt. It was then that I realized that I underestimated her. As I got into the shower, I began to think that maybe I was the one with the problem. I was not there for my wife, so she was slowly pulling herself back to the shore. Meanwhile, I was drifting out to sea, trying my best to avoid the waves.

I leaned my head underneath the spray of the shower but I felt something that was more than just water from the shower head, it was tears. All the tears that were held back by the levy of my eyelids were bursting through the seams. I leaned over onto the glass door allowing the shower to spray on my back as my tears sprayed my face. For the first time, I mourned my son that was no longer here. I cried for my wife, and most importantly, I cried for myself. All the pain and frustration seemed to exude from eyelids through my tears which in turn were washed away about by the wayward sprays of the shower beating against my shoulders. 

I reached and grabbed my washcloth from the towel rack and began to lather it with my wife's Dove body wash it. It may seem weird, but I wanted her on me in any way that I could. I began to cleanse myself feeling my eyes grow tired from the release I experienced a few moments ago. I quickly washed and rinsed my body. I stepped out of the shower and began to dry myself off.

I went to the walk-in closet my wife and I shared to get a t-shirt and noticed my suitcase neatly packed in the middle of the floor, with my toiletry bag perched on the side of it. "She packed my stuff," I murmured to myself. Was she packing for my trip or asking me to leave our home? At this point, both were probable solutions.