Internet Friends | Dan Howell x Reader

I Want to Scream

Hello.

I'm shook.

I just deleted the entire story within seconds. So here's me, rewriting everything.

I hate myself.

Also no song cuz I'm rly pissy rn. I'm too lazy.

Enjoy~

(y/n)'s POV

An imaginary pair of eyes behind my real ones snapped open, greeted by inky blackness. The faint beeping of my heart rate monitor echoed into the silence. I was like some smaller version of myself, trapped in my own mind. I couldn't feel the floor beneath me and I was weary of walking considering I couldn't grip some sort of surface as I did. I would just stand and listen, wondering about the little things I never had time to think about while I was awake. I stood for a moment before daring to seat myself on this nonexistent floor. I succeeded, giving myself a little pat on the back. I had no idea how long I'd be here before I passed out, as I like to call it, again. I can't really tell if it's nice here or not, but I don't tend to think about that, only sweet memories turned sour. They leave a bitter taste on my tongue when I come to a realization that I might never experience them again. That's the beauty of the mind isn't it?

We always find a way to perceive that glass as half full.

Today I decided on a fond memory of mine. This encounter was the epitome of awkwardness, but I held it close to my heart anyways. I imagined the quaint coffee shop where Dan and I had met in real life, the one I loved so very much. My converse on the cool tile, and I remember specifically that I was worried on what to wear. I wanted to impress him, but also seem cool and fun, but I eventually gave up and it turned out just fine. The soft whir of the coffee machines mingled with the mindless chatter. I remember embarrassing myself in what I said. Hi, I'm looking for a Daniel Howell. He looked up at me with an amused expression. Your highness. I felt my lips stretch into a smile. 

"Ahh, Mr. Howell and Mr. Lester. I assume you're here to see Miss (y/n)." I felt my throat tighten. The doctor began to list my ailments, but all I could focus on was Dan and Phil. I blanked out for a second before a hand took mine and the other sat on my other side.

"Dan, I'm sure she'll forgive you. You just have to have faith." Phil said.

"If I had so much faith, why is she here?" Dan asked, his thumb stroking over my hand.

"You didn't. You were too caught up in everything that you lost faith, but fate is fate Dan. It's not anyone's fault. We just have to be grateful she's okay." Phil said. Ah Phil, always looking at the bright side. There was a long silence. "Dan? Please? You're just as strong as her, I know you are. Please don't let this discourage you." Phil pleaded.

"Oh what? Let the fact that I ruined the relationship discourage me? The fact that she face death after we fought? The fact that she could die? The fact that she's here because of me or fate or whatever the hell you want to believe? What? What is it Phil?" he questioned. His hand began to tighten around my own, and I wanted to yank it away but I couldn't. I felt my heart rate increase and the heart monitor sped up.

"Dan." Phil said. His hand gripped tighter and my heart sped up even more. He was crushing my already bruised hand. 

"Huh? Well? What am I supposed to hope for? That my ife wont be ruined, when hers has crumbled? Be the selfish bastard I am?" Dan questioned further.

"Dan!" Phil said. My heart was pounding and suddenly he let go, and my heart slowed.

"What's wrong with me." Dan asked, his voice breaking. 

"You're just really in love. You're scared you'll lose her so you accidentally push her away." Phil explained. I felt Dan take my hand gingerly.

"I-I know." he said. I heard a door open and a nurse shooed them away, shifting me around. Both boys stayed silent and I wanted to scream. Dan was in pain and we fought about such stupid things. I want to just hug him, kiss him, tell him I love him and that I didn't mean what I said, but I'm just trapped here. Trapped in this hell hole that is my brain. I pictured his face, broken and sad and I felt a newer pain course through my body. "Do you think she'll really forgive me?" Dan asked.

Yes. 

Yes.

A thousand times yes, I'd shout it from the rooftops. I just want to be done. I want him. I need him.

"Yes, I really do." Phil said. His hand rested on my arm. "She's not one to hold grudges, especially not with you."

"Eh, she seemed really mad. I doubt it. I think I've lost her." he said.

I want to scream.

Heyo.

Byeo

Stayo Awesomeo!

~Calymari