Internet Friends | Dan Howell x Reader

Just...

I'm getting slight writers block for this story so any help would be appreciated. So...yeah.

Follow me on Insta. Be my friend pls. DM me that you're from Wattpad so I don't think your some stranger or whatever. 

Enjoy~

(y/n)'s POV

Everything was fucked up.

Everything.

I can't keep myself in check and it's ruining my life and mine and Dan's friendship. How does one person ruin things so easily. I was stood in my shower, staring at the tiles as the scalding water pelted at my skin. Steam fogged up the mirror and I shivered even though I was practically in a sauna. I ran my hands over my hair and let out a choked sigh. My body was aching and I was trying to distract myself from the pain. I was also trying to distract myself from Cat.

When you're in the shower, you're at your most vulnerable. I felt vulnerable. This reminded me of Cat of course and I felt a river of thick steam clog my veins. I feel like I'm suffocating or drowning or whatever it was. I can't breathe. She has me messed up in the head, unknowingly sabotaging my very being. I felt a tear drip down and drop into the drain.

Had I ruined it? Was Dan never to trust me again because I can't get over myself? He can't tell me what's wrong anymore and that leads me to believe that he never has. He's such a mystery. I sunk down onto the wet floor, curling my knees up to my chest, and starting to sob. What was wrong with me? I let the water run over me as I cried, not knowing what I was supposed to do. I heard a noise from outside and I shut off the water. I wrapped myself in a towel and wiped down the mirror. I gazed at the red face before me and I cringed. I wiped down my face and combed out my hair, letting it sit wet around my shoulders. I opened the door cautiously, tugging my white towel around my body. I held it tight against me, my arms hugging right below my chest. I glanced down the hall and started walking. Dan came up the stairs and I screamed.

"What are you doing here?!" I asked.

"Sorry, sorry. You just didn't answer your phone since this morning so I wanted to check in--" He stopped himself to look at me. "Were you crying in the shower?" he asked. 

Before I could respond he hugged me tightly, his arms wrapping all the way around me. His hands rested on my sides and his left rubbed gently up and down against the towel. My head to his chest and he stayed upright, looked behind me. We stayed there, rocking back and forth.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I-I was just thinking about how you don't really trust me. And I guess I don't either. We seem more distant." I murmured, embarrassed.

"Okay, I agree. How about from now on, no more secrets. We tell each other everything." Dan suggested. I furrowed my eyebrows and my face flashed with guilt.

"Yeah, no secrets." I replied. I bit my lip and we fell silent. What was I supposed to do? I had this crush, but I also have Cat that comes with it. I was stuck.

"Hey, Dan?"

"Yes?"

"Do you mind letting go?" I asked.

"Why?" he replied.

"I'm um practically naked." I replied. His arms retreated and he looked me up and down. I felt my body burn under his gaze.

"Oh, uh yeah. Sorry. I didn't really mind though." he replied. I looked at him. "Wait. That sounds wrong! I didn't mean that oh my god, uh." he stuttered. I looked at him, lovingly. I had a case of Heart Eyes Howell right now. I smiled and looked down.

"That's fine. I didn't mind either." I said. I felt my face burn. If I was going to get over Cat's bullshit, I need to make progress. Then I can address the whole crush issue. Dan's face flushed and I left to get dressed.

After I got dressed, I headed back to where I left Dan standing. He was looking at his feet and gently speaking to himself. So I'm not the only crazy one.

"What do you suppose we do?" I asked. He looked up, meeting my eyes.

"Talk." Dan said, almost immediately. I nodded and followed him down my stairs. Dan sat down at my kitchen table as I started some tea.

"(y/n), does Cat still bother you?" he asked bluntly and I froze. I set the pot on the table and sighed. I turned to face him and I met his eyes with mine. They were rather intense.

"I wouldn't call it bothering, more like a burning pain that radiates from my heart. Just pure fear." I replied, turning back to the tea.

"Why? I mean I know she hurt you physically, but you're stronger than letting that bother you. It's something mental and I want to know what." Dan said.

"Why do you thing you get the opportunity to even ask such a question?" I asked. I kept myself from snapping the best I could.

"Because I put it on you, it's my fault and I want to help." Dan replied.

"Yes, but you put it on me." I replied.

"Please, I just want to help you (y/n)." he said. I glanced up at the cabinet above my head. I could tell him. Tell him I was jealous. Tell him I love him. Tell him she wanted to ruin me because of it rather than what he thought.

"Do you know why she was so mean? Why she hated me?" I asked, setting his mug in front of him. He shook his head. "She wanted to get to me, using you? Do you know why that affected me so much?" I asked. He again shook his head. "She hated me. She saw me as a threat to your relationship. She wanted to make me jealous and ruin me. She hated me more than you ever knew." I said.

"Jealous of what?" Dan asked, his eyes searching mine. I looked away. 

"Jealous of a relationship because I didn't have one I guess." I lied, shrugging my shoulders.

"(y/n), please don't lie to me."

"I'm not." I said.

"(y/n)"

"I was jealous of her okay! I wanted to be her! Is that what you want to hear?!" I asked, burying my face in my hands.

"You wanted to be her?"

"Yeah Dan. I wanted to be the one you hugged. The one you kissed. Yours." I said.

"You wanted to be with me?" He asked. His eyes found mine, but I kept mine blank.

"Yeah. Wanted. And it killed me when I saw you with her that night." I said. "Now I get it. Now I'm over it. Now I'm done dealing with her. Done with this feeling of pure regret. Pure stupidity"

"Please don't say that, (y/n)." he said.

"What do you want me to say, Dan?! Just..."

"Say you want, not wanted!" he replied. We both fell silent. 

"What am I supposed to do? I just..." I asked.

"Stop with this just bullshit! Tell me something I actually want to hear!"

"Life isn't like that, Dan! I can't do this right now!"

"What? And you couldn't before! You...you. Forget it." He got up and started to storm out.

"Wait!" I called back.

"Hey, you were the one who can't do this right now, so forget it!" he called out. He slammed the door, leaving me behind to cry.

Bet you didn't see that one coming.

Soz.

Stay awesome!

~Calymari