Internet Friends | Dan Howell x Reader

Wish I Knew

Hey.

Follow me on Insta! (calymari)

OMG this song is literally this story!!!! AGH.

Enjoy~

Dan's POV

Phil, PJ and I were sat on the couch at mine and Phil's and Phil and PJ were exchanging glances. We had finished the movie and left (y/n) to go teach class.

"What are you guys doing?" I asked. They glanced over at me. Had they forgotten I was here. "What are you two eye talking about?" I asked.

"What? Nothing." PJ said.

"It's clearly not nothing Peej, just tell me." I said. PJ glanced towards Phil and Phil shook his head. "What?! Why not?" I asked.

"Look, it's not my place to tell you, and it's in the other person's best interest that I don't." Phil said.

"Who's?" I asked. A knock sounded at the door and I reluctantly went to get it. I opened it to see a slightly sweaty, but a glowing kind of sweaty (y/n). Her hair was messy strew up in a pony tail and she looked rather out of breath.

"Traffic is disgusting. I couldn't spend one more minute in that cab and yours is closer. That's fine yeah?" she asked. I nodded and gestured her inside.

"(y/n)? What are you doing here?!" PJ asked.

"Traffic. You okay, Peej?" she asked.

"Never mind that. Who are you guys talking about and why can't I know?" I asked. She glanced over at me with wide eyes.

"Can't know what?" she asked.

"I don't know. Just something that involves me and another person, I guess." I said, seating myself next to her. She tightened her pony tail slightly and adjusted her tank top.

"Well, you really should push them, Dan. Not your business I guess." She said, looking down at her feet.

"You know don't you?" I said, sighing.

"Oh, um. Yup. You have...no idea." she said, sitting back awkwardly. "You know, I'm just going to walk home. It's like 5 minute and I'm sweaty so." she said, getting up. She had been here for a total of 5 minutes. She seemed fine until I mention it. Wait.

"Wait..." I said. My gaze shifted up to PJ and Phil who were looking around for something else to look at. "Did I offend her or something?" I asked.

"Who?" Phil asked.

"(y/n)" I said/.

"No." Phil said.

"I did didn't I?" I said, putting my head in my hands.

"No, you didn't." PJ said.

"Well, what did I do?" I asked. Neither of them answered and I grumbled. I got up, grabbing (y/n)'s coat which she had left and headed towards the door.

"Where are you going?!" Phil asked. I held up the jacket and left without saying anything. I flew down the stairs and looked around until I spotted (y/n) walking along. It was winter and she was in only a tank top. Had I really messed up so bad that she couldn't come back for her coat? I called to her and she turned. She was shivering and I draped the coat around her shoulders when I caught up to her.

"Why didn't you just come back for your jacket. Are you really that mad at me?" I asked.

"What? Mad at you?" she asked.

"Yeah, the person I was talking about, I figured out it was you and when you left I thought you were mad at me." I explained. (y/n) just looked up at me.

"Dan, I'm not mad and it's freezing out here. Get home and I'll talk to you later yeah?" she asked. I nodded and she turned walking off. She seemed genuine in that she wasn't mad, but that still meant it was something with her.

"Wait!" I called, jogging the short distance to walk beside her. "Then what is it?" I asked. She looked up, confused and took her hair down as we walked.

"What's what?" she asked as the wind whipped her hair around.

"What they were talking about. What's wrong with me?" I asked.

"There's nothing wrong with you." (y/n) said.

"Then what is it?" I asked. She looked down at her feet and took a breath as we came up on her building. She led me upstairs and sat me on her couch.

"Look, don't take this upon yourself. It's my fault and NOT YOURS. Do you understand?" she asked. Her (e/c) eyes were soft and warm, pleading that I agreed.

"Yes." I replied.

"Okay. Earlier when we were watching a movie and I had my little freak out, it wasn't about...my claustrophobia. I mean, I still have it, but that wasn't the case." she said, fidgeting with her fingers. "You put your arm on the couch and I started...picturing Cat like that and...I freaked out. That's all." she said.

"I-I don't know what to--" I started.

"You don't have to do anything. Cat is gone and I'm still adjusting is all. It wasn't your fault." she said. How she can easily let these things go, I'll never know. She's so forgiving and always takes the blame when she shouldn't.

"I'm sorry." She said, taking my hands. "I never meant for it to be a big deal and I just really need you around so I can't have you thinking that your the problem when your not." she said. My hands tingled with the warmth of hers and I gave them a gentle squeeze. I looked up from our hands and her eyes were searching my face.

She was so great, but who knows if she was trying to lead me on. Or if she she even knows about my immense crush. I just really wish I would know if she was. End this torture of not knowing and being to chicken to say anything. We were so connected and yet I couldn't read her at all. I want her. I need her. But I know I can't do anything because I'm so stuck. And it's times like these when she's being open with me, or at least I think she is, and our hands connected that make me crazy.

I wish I knew.

I would give anything to kiss her in this moment, but I know it isn't wise. Her lips were pursed slightly and I felt the urge to connect mine to them. Her hands squeezed mine.

"Dan? Please say something." she said, shaking my hand slightly.

"It's fine (y/n). I understand. Just as long as we're okay." I said.

"Of course. Friends forever, right?" she said. I pulled my hands away. Was she leading me on? Intentionally? Unintentionally? "Dan are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Just fine." I said, gritting my teeth. I stood up and she stood too.

"No, you're not and I did something. What? Tell me. Yell at me. Cry to me. Just don't leave." she said. Don't leave.

I can't take this anymore. If it's on purpose or not, I can't do it. At least not for now.

"Yell at you." I repeated.

"Yes, do it. I feel distant right now, and lately. Just tell me anything." She said. She seemed rather desperate. 

"Don't worry. I'm fine. I'm going to go." I said. She nodded and I left, feeling like shit.

She was too perfect to be true. Wonderful. When I'm with her, I can't breathe, but I like it. But our connection, it's getting to be too much. Everything she does is like she's leading me on, thought she's not and I wonder how I got myself in this mess.

My own brain.

I love her. That's a fact, but now I can't do anything right. I've waited too long. I've made many mistakes and now I'm trapped.

My own fault.

OKAY THIS SONG IS PERFECT FOR THIS CHAPTER.

YES.

Stay awesome!

~Calymari