Love, Novela [Completed]

11/27/17

11/27/17 

I so wanted to skip classes today. Skip school, skip eating, skip life. But especially school. 

But I didn't figure I could pull that off. Alex has already been calling me, leaving apologetic voicemails and sending concerned text messages. If I don't show up in class, he'll probably do something drastic like show up here to inquire about my welfare. 

Plus, I don't want him to think I'm too affected by it. I mean, I'm obviously affected, like ruining-my-life affected, but I don't want him to know that. Knowing what I know now, I want to downplay my feelings for him. I won't be able to pretend that there was nothing between us or that it was one-sided, but I hope to pull off a little more oh-that-sucks rather than my-life-as-I-know-it-is-over. 

To that end, I put a little more into my hair and makeup than normal. The makeup especially was needed since my lack of sleep probably shows. There wasn't time for a new outfit, but I put together the best one I had that he's never specifically complimented me on (to make it seem like I'm not dressing for him, even though I basically am). 

As I approached the school, I glanced around and when I didn't see him, I shot inside. Again I checked my surroundings, then headed down into the basement. I haven't been in the basement since our orientation, but to my knowledge neither has Alejandro, so it seemed like an effective way to avoid him. If anyone found me, I could claim a quite place to do homework. 

In the half hour or so I was downstairs, no one came down. It was a little creepy, but worth it. I waited until 10 minutes after the official class start time before I headed up. Alex is sometimes late to class, and sometimes waits for a quorum before he starts. I expected he might delay a little for me specifically, so I walked slowly and stealthily toward the door to see if I could hear his voice before he saw me. I paused for a few minutes, and when I heard him announce that class would begin, I slipped in. 

I went straight for my usual spot and set my stuff on the table, looking down as I pulled out my pen and opened my notebook. I heard him pause and could feel his eyes on me, but he didn't say anything. Then he turne back to the board to resume teaching, and I looked up and pretended to be in a normal class. 

I have no idea whether the charade worked on the rest of the class or not. I was only doing it for him. As far as I know, no one suspects anything. But at this point, I don't really care. Whatever we might have had is over, anyway, so there's no point in trying to hide. 

I made sure to keep my books orderly and my bag open so that the second class ended, I could make a beeline for the door. I managed to slip in line between other students so it didn't look like a beeline. Yes, I am going way over the top with this. But since this thing has already taken over my every waking - and unwaking - thought, why not? 

I thought Alejandro might trump up some excuse to go after me and pull me aside, but either he didn't think of anything, or I succeeded in preventing the opportunity. I pretended to talk to someone - OK I really talked to them, but I wasn't really invested in it - in order to look back at the door without obviously turning to look. I didn't see Alex, so I shot down to the basement again to pass the interim between classes. I thought about skipping the second class and just heading home, but if there is any aspect of my life that he hasn't ruined yet, I want to preserve it. 

I followed more or less the same tactic with my second class, just in case he was hanging around to catch me during the break. When that class ended I headed straight for the exit and hightailed it for the house. It was nice out (70s) so I opted to walk rather than take the bus. I figured the exercise could do me some good. 

So today was a success. I looked nice, feigned indifference, avoided interaction, and - I think - made it seem casual. (At the word "casual" I can't help but think of Han's advice: "Keep your distance, Chewie. But don't look like you're trying to keep your distance.") 

Great. So what will I do tomorrow. The same thing? 

Pretending not to care is going to get exhausting pretty quickly. Maybe I should just talk to him. Hopefully by tomorrow that will seem less daunting.