Love, Novela [Completed]

Re: Or yes Romería?

From: novela-harmon@bethel.edu
Date: Wed, Oct 11, 2017 at 4:57 PM
Subject: Or yes Romería?
To: grace-k-nelson@bethel.edu

Alex found me after class today. The first thing he said was, "Are you going to the Romería?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I have other plans. I felt like an idiot, or a liar, pretending I didn't think the Romería was a big deal, when I had been dying to go. But I didn't want to go with Alex, and it wasn't his business whether I went, now that I'm neither his student nor his assistant.  

"You should not miss this, Novela." Something about the use of my name triggered some reaction, and made me think about the fact that he had tracked me down just to say this. He really believed this.

Still, I resisted. "Why?"

"It is a tradition special to Guadalajara. And you can see Catholic devotion, pre-Hispanic dancing, Catholic traditions and the syncretism that results even for non-religious people who just go for the party. There is only one event like this each year, and it is happening when you are here." 

"Yes, but I have other plans," I countered. They were in danger of being shattered any moment, but I pretended they weren't.

"You are going to the beach?" he asked.

I wanted to say yes. It would have been simpler. But I couldn't lie, not even for this.

"No. I am going with a friend to Tonalá." I tried to keep my voice even as I said "friend" but I'm not sure I achieved it. In any case, I used the masculine form of the word. I said "un amigo" - one male friend. I don't know why I was worrying about it at all. Why did I have to explain myself tohim? What does he have to do with it?

Whatever my basis or lack thereof for worry, it made me imagine - or perhaps not - that his brow furrowed ever so slightly at the mention. But he said nothing about that.

"Novela," he said, more softly, "I think you will regret it if you miss this."

Crap. He hit me where it hurts. I knew he was right, and I think he knew I knew it.

Still. It brought me back to no way to go, and it was arranged with Javier already...

"Is there anyone you could go with to the Romería?" His voice was softer now, kind.

He was reading my mind. "No," I answered. Shoot! Why couldn't I have just evaded the question, stuck to, "I've got plans"? But he trapped me with his direct question and killed me with his kindness. Now I had revealed the truth, and my weakness was exposed.

"Novela," he said, taking a half step closer. He did it slowly, as to a horse he didn't want to spook. "I will take you. I can't let you miss this."

"But-- my friend--"

"He can take you to Tonalá a different day. He should understand."

He should understand. But he didn't. Oh Javier, why did you have to be so rigid on this? One Catholic show won't kill you. Why couldn't you take me to the Romería on your motorcycle, and save me this excruciatingness?

I was standing there, like a dummy, saying nothing. All I needed to do was say one syllable: "No." It floated around in my mind but never landed. And Alex seized on that.

"I'll pick you up at your house," he said. "We need to get there early if we want to be able to see the procession. The route is different this year but I think I know where the view would be best."

He was nodding as he spoke, and I realized I was nodding back. What a sap! I hadn't meant to shirk on Javier, hadn't meant to agree to go anywhere or do anything with Alex. And for a stupid Catholic parade!

Alex left. I stood there a moment before I started coming to my senses. I almost ran after him. But to say what? Just repeat the same conversation? Nothing had changed. And the fact of the matter was that I wanted, and still want, to go to the Romería, and this is my only chance, possibly ever.

So now I have to tell Javier. He knew I wanted to go. He even said it was OK if I did, although I doubt whether that will be 100% true. But it's done now.

I hadn't meanted to have any further contact with Alex, particualrly one-on-one, but this should not be a big deal. I could read into the fact that he was interested enough in me to go looking for me and arrange for me to go with him. But I know how passionate hie is about these things, and how passionate he knows me to be about them. And he just wanted me to go, not necessarily go with him. It just happened that I didn't have anyone else to go with. Really, he is just being a gentleman, making sure I am safe.

I was fairly clear before about the boundaries I am not willing to cross. I don't think there was any confusion on that point. Also, he knows I was dating someone back home, and I never told him Levi and I broke up. And all this is assuming he is still interested in me, which he probably isn't anymore. So, really there is nothing iffy about this. I will take my excursion and be done with it.