Love, Novela [Completed]

Re: Are you there, Grace? It's me, Bimbo

From: novela-harmon@bethel.edu>
Date: Sun, Nov 26, 2017 at 2:16 PM
Subject: Are you there, Grace? It's me, Bimbo
To: grace-k-nelson@bethel.edu

I assume either you don't know what to say to me, or you're still plowing through that pile of single-spaced confessions. It occurred to me that you're probably trying to get ready for finals and I dump this on you. Sorry. I was just so far deep in my new world of misery that finals were barely on my radar.

And yet I keep bugging you, because I have very few people to bug. Now that I'm not talking to Alejandro - again - my schedule has suddenly freed up. And yet I'm completely unable to focus on mundane things like, say, homework. Especially homework for his class.

I did go hang out with Lupita last night, but I didn't stay very long. I pretended to be interested in what she was talking about so she would just talk, and I wouldn't have to. It was pleasant, in a way, to be around someone who was active and cheery. But it was also unpleasant to contrast that to my mopey, unproductive self. Not wanting to disclose the reason for my frown nor drown my sorrows in too many plates of chips, I took my leave.

But last night was the worst. Since I barely slept Friday night, I thought for sure I would sleep last night, just out of pure exhaustion. And to an extent, that's what happened. But every time I woke up it was either from a horrible nightmare or just a general sense of dread. It's everything that was happening at the beginning, except now it's combined with the real horror of what's happened in my life. It's actually been going on for a while, if I'm being honest, since I started spending time with him, especially at night. But I was able to mostly drown it out or scoff at it. Now it's absolutely unbearable.

I was finally starting to sleep peacefully around the time it got light out, probably because the light kept the monsters at bay. So I really had to drag myself out of bed to go to church. I figured I had better go to church.

Church was awful too. It's so odd how the exact same thing can be a totally different experience based on your emotional state. I felt like a hypocrite, going out of duty and not really wanting to learn. I was almost shutting my ears because I feel like I already know what God would say to me if I listened. I guess it's something along the lines of, "I told you so." I mean, I'm not sure God would ever say, "I told you so." But that's what I would want to say to me, if I were Him.

I was torn on whether to go out with the youth or not, based on my experience at Lupita's last night. But as it turned out, they were busy today anyway. Most of them are in a band (you'd fit right in) and they have a practice session this afternoon. They did invite me to tag along, but I thought that would be a bit much for what I could handle, and it seemed like kind of a half-hearted invitation anyway.

So here I am, writing to you again without letting you finish what I've already reading. Oh and don't worry, I'm journaling more too, but I don't have any present need to keep sending to you since nothing new has really happened.

I guess I might try to take a nap now since I probably won't sleep well tonight either.

Good night, and if you've made it this far with me, thank you sincerely.

Novela