Love, Novela [Completed]

Re: Boys, boys

From: novela-harmon@bethel.edu>
Date: Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 3:15 PM
Subject: Boys, boys
To: grace-k-nelson@bethel.edu

I still am confused about how I feel/felt about Alex. I think it was just a silly attraction that only occurred because it seemed impossible. Then, I think I'm just telling myself that to hide something deeper. Then I think I'm just being melodramatic because I have too much time to myself. Then I tell myself to shut up!

Since I have more time to myself, I've been trying to make it up to the neglected Levi. I'm pretty sure he suspects something is up, although he hasn't asked it outright. But he can't not have guessed. I went from writing at least a few lines every day to going days without writing anything or even responding to him. And what I did write was pretty terse.

I don't know how I feel about Levi either. Not just now - I am pretty sure I don't feel anything for him now. I'm trying to figure out how I did feel about him, before all this craziness. Was there anything real there? Or was I just flattered because I was not used to getting attention from men? Did I finally come to my senses now, or did I lose then with Alex and haven't found them again yet?

In any case, Levi would be a much better option than Alex, so I don't want to drop him like a hot potato just because I nearly got swept off my feet by a (professorial) Latin lover. If there's any chance of  a spark still there, if there ever was one, I want to see if it can be rekindled. But does there even need to be a spark? Romantic love fades away anyway. Commitment is what matters. I need to be with someone who shares my values. For the most part, that would be Levi.

But how to rekindle it? Every time I start to write to him about something, I anticipate his reaction. Haunted houses? Bible verses and a rant against superstition. Difficulty finding and attending a decent church? A sermon on the importance of persevering in the faith. An anecdote from Mexican history? A treatise on why America is better. Stories about my cultural interactions? A diatribe on how illegal immigration is ruining our country. I don't even want to tell him about my travel because then he starts talking about safety.

So I end up deleting anything meaningful and writing something brief and fluffy. If he asks what is wrong, I don't know what I would tell him. If this continues, do I keep at it until the semester is over and I am back and can reevaluate? Or should I tell him that I need to take time to figure out what I want, which is true although it sounds like a cheesy movie line? I don't even know how to break up with someone, and I have no idea how to decide when it should be done. What would you do?