A Place In This World

Secrets

Taylor's POV

I opened my eyes.

I had such a horrible dream last night it hurt to even think about it. My throat was raw, as if I had recently purged. My eyes were sore, probably from crying. I looked over at the window. Why did the street look so different outside? Wait why was there a window over there? I looked at the bedding. These were not my bed sheets. I shot up. I slowly turned my head to the left. I looked down to see that I wasn't alone in this bed. And this bed belonged to Josh.

"Oh good you're awake," he said groggily.

I looked at him wide eyed. No. That meant last nights dream was real. I ran my fingers through my hair, tangling them into the blond mess. My life was over.

Josh sat up next to me, laying a hand on my shoulder. It laid there as soft and light as a feather. I stared at it.

"So, do you wanna tell me what's going on?"

I looked desperately in his eyes. Yes of course I do. But I can't. I looked down at the covers.

"It's alright Taylor. You can tell me anything," he began rubbing my back. "Just tell me when it started."

"It, it began when we filmed the video for Haven't Had Enough. Dave, my stylist, he was so mean," my rough voice cracked. I swallowed a lump that was beginning to form. "H-he, would say that I was fat. That I was too ugly to be the lead role, and that you only cast me out of sympathy. All the costumes were size zero. I didn't fit in most and when he made alterations I just felt so ridiculous."

I sniffled.

"After that I began going on diets. I wouldn't eat very much. Not the serving sizes I was used to," I felt a warm tear slide down my face. "Sometimes if I felt like I had way too much, I would purge. And then when I had bad days, I would throw up just feel empty. To be numb inside."

I wiped away the tears.

"Then came the Fallout video, and I was dating Jake at the time to. He made me feel a little better, but I thought that I just needed to look absolutely perfect for him," I sobbed. I ran my hand through my hair. "Then when Jake dumped me, I just quit food altogether. I thought he broke up with me because I was to fat and ugly for him. I told Dave about that, and he somehow managed to poison me and made me believe that it was all because of food. I figured, if I didn't eat anymore, I wouldn't get fat."

I wiped away some more tears. I closed my eyes.

"I don't know why I bothered getting back together with him. And, well, since I'm apparently telling you all of my secrets, I didn't start dating Jake because I fell in love with him. I, I started dating him after we broke up because I wanted to make you jealous. I wanted you to feel just how, just how much it hurt to fucking see you with someone else."

A round of sobs wrapped around me. I was letting it all out. All of my secrets were being lifted off my chest. I almost felt lighter. I opened my eyes and leaned back against the head board.

"What about Australia? How'd you make it throught that?" Josh asked.

"I don't know," I took a deep breath. "I would, I would snack on grapes and crackers here and there. But no matter what, even if I hadn't had any food that day, I would always throw up before a concert."

I cringed at the memory.

"So, welcome to my horrible stupid life!" I said sarcastically to him. I began to break down into more sobs. He held his arms out and I curled into them.

"Shh, it's okay," he told me. I shook in his arms.

"No! It's never going to be ok. I'm a hopeless mess!" I cried into his arms. "My life is over, just leave me here. I don't want to drag you down too."