Fractured

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

It was the first time in a long time I was able to finish more than one beer off.  It was the first time ever I managed to do it with someone besides my druggie 'friends'.  But rather with people that were strangely okay with me; Natalie stuck to my side to make sure that was the case the whole time and finished off a beer of her own. 

I don't need to tell you guys that I had no childhood.  That was the reason this past summer was spent doing fun things with Luke.  We went swimming, golfing, camping... we had fun.  But I was a teenager.  I knew I missed out on more than just having 'fun'.  I missed out on being a kid.  And I would never be able to get that back.  But tonight, I was given an opportunity to try or create the illusion of teenage freedom.

I don't like kids my own age; I can honestly say I am ashamed of this generation, no offense to anyone apart of this generation.  But - and only in general - I saw them as selfish, stupid, and not open to seeing past the key pad of their phones. It disgusted me, seeing the future leaders of the world not care for anything but their own thoughts and agenda, about anything besides dragging gossip about shit that was eye roll-able.  They bitch about nothing, complain as if they are the only ones that matter.... I couldn't stand it.  It kind of made me okay with how they treated me because I wouldn't want to be apart of them.

However, this was the conclusion after observation. I never actually had the chance to go out, have fun, laugh and hang out with friends like they did. It made me mad.  Because by the time you are an adult, that chance or time is gone.  You need to grow up.  And in a few years, I'd be at that age. I didn't have much time to catch up on everything that I missed.

Tonight though, I had that chance.  Natalie surprised me by swinging by my house before either Clare or Luke was home and picked me up to go to her cousin's party she was throwing.  I was hesitant at first, really nervous.  We spent an hour debating over it, sitting on my couch and talking.  I knew it wasn't smart.  Not because I'm oh so innocent and I didn't want to get in trouble. But because people were coming to hunt down my ass and it's not safe to go out to a party where I didn't know anybody; one of my old friends could be there for all I knew.  Not to mention, all the other kids probably would not appreciate Natalie hauling along the crazy girl to the party. And to be honest, it wasn't something I was dying to do.  I thought parties wouldn't be something I would enjoy anyway. It would just involve the kids I was ashamed of.

But that wasn't the point, I realized.  I was getting a chance to go out and have fun, behind both Clare and Luke's back (and after last night's little chat in the truck, I was more than okay with that).  I didn't want to do it just to piss them off though; I wanted to do it because I would be going against them in some fashion.  I'd be doing something reckless, if you think about it.  And honestly, that was something I needed at a time like this. 

Lately,  I would wake up in the morning and feel the weight press on my shoulders instantly.  Now, I knew that that was fine to come to expect.  Especially with the tension with Luke, the fact that people will be coming after me soon, and that we were trying to bust Clare.  It was a lot and though I dealt with a lot, I never felt so much pressure as I have now.  I went through a lot but I was never pressured over anything because there was nothing I could do about it before.  Now though, a lot was up to me to deal with in a proper way. It was becoming a lot and though I knew I could handle it, at the same time, I didn't want to.  I was pissed off and have been for so long that I was given this life and that others could be carefree with theirs.

I wanted risk.  I wanted something that would pick my spirits up.  And though a party was something I was unsure of, I knew it would be interesting and that was enough for me.