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#49 - I don't know who I am

Hi

So I have this problem...I don't really have a personality.

It may sound weird but I let my friends decide what personality I have. So when I hang out with specific persons I behave differently. It's not like I am polite when I'm around Person X and messy when I'm around Person Y; no. I will completely change myself. When I'm around this girl I'm into cards and am loud and obnoxious but when I'm around that other girl I'm quiet and impatient. It's like I adapt a person's personality when I get to know them. It has gotten to the point to which I don't feel like I don't know who I am.

- A Very Short Timelord

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Dear A Very Short Timelord,

Firstly, can I tell you that it's okay to not know who you are?

That's what teenagehood is about, actually: finding yourself. Finding your purpose; your likes and dislikes; your passions in life; your personality; everything. It's a very turbulent time, but it's something that you need not worry about. It's okay not to know who you are because you'll discover yourself along the way.

The only thing that concerned me was that you said that you let people 'decide' what personality you have. That's not right, I'm afraid, because if you let your friends have that kind of power, you'll always be a pushover. It's okay not to know yourself, but it's not okay to let others define who you are.

One thing I think you should do is sit down, alone, and make a list of things that you think define you. It doesn't have to be a list per say - it could be a spider diagram, for instance. Add lots of colour! Think about yourself. Do you think you're smart? Do you think you're opinionated, or quiet, or loud - or both? Be true to yourself in the sense that you shouldn't think of these qualities based on how you act around certain people but rather how you act in general. If you find that a bit difficult, think about how you act around your family. They are the people who are closest to you, and the fact that you're always with them means that more often than not you're not putting on a mask. Try and list the qualities that you possess when you're around them.

Now, read the list again. By the way, try your best to make it as positive as possible so that you can see yourself in a good way. Put it up on your wall, and look at it every time you're doubting yourself. When you feel like you don't really know yourself, read the list through again. I am witty, I am energetic, I am honest, I am intelligent. Say it to yourself over and over, until you believe it. When you're with your friends, try and stick to this person that you say you are. Consistency is key. You need to take control of who you are and not let other people define it for you. It's okay to like cars with Person X and lipstick (for instance) with Person Y, because they are two different people and you identify with them differently, but don't let them dictate how you act.

But then again, it's okay to be loud with one person and quiet with another. I'm like that sometimes, too. There are different factors that affect how I behave around people, for instance how close I am with the person, their age, the nature of our relationship etc, but I remain consistent in that I am weird, random, talented and opinionated. That's who I am, and I know that, and whether I'm being loud or soft, I'm still those aforementioned things. There are definitely things to work on (I can be a bit rude sometimes). But, like you, I'm still finding myself as well. That's part of the journey.

I will reiterate it one last time:

It's okay not to know yourself, but it's not okay to let others define you.

The purpose of the list is to at least help you define who you are and enable you to find yourself eventually. Try and have a grounds of consistence with whomever you hang out with so that you can appear assured and confident in yourself. I really hope I haven't contradicted myself much in this, and fingers crossed it has helped.

Lots of love,

- genie_us xx