Endlessly (Harry Styles)

Chapter 46

*Hazel Murray*

I stirred in my sleep as the banging became more and more insistent. I crunched my nose and buried my head under the pillow, groaning. I did not have enough sleep in my body for this. I remembered how I used to be so moody when I wok up. It disappeared when I started sleeping with Harry, cause the sight of him in the morning was enough to bring a smile on my face, but these days, I hated the mornings. I hated when I woke up, and then everything came crashing back down on me.

"Niall, can you go get it?"
"Nah, they'll go away eventually." Niall answered, his voice full of sleep.

I felt a wave of gratitude towards my best friend. He has been going through hell these past few days for me, and didn't get much more sleep than I did.

The knocking however continued. Finally, Harry's voice resonated through our room, muffled by the door, but still loud enough.

"HAZEL, PLEASE, WE NEED TO TALK, BABY." He said, making me grit my teeth together.

I hated it. I hated the way my heart melted at his broken and sad voice, I hated myself for not being able to stay strong and collected without him. I hated how dependant I was of Harry. I hated it, I loathed it.

"BABY, OPEN THE DOOR." He called again.

I hated it, but I loved him.

I hugged my pillow closer, trying to keep myself together as a sob shook my whole body. Niall's arm wrapped around my shoulders. I buried my face in his chest, trembling like a leaf in the wind.

"I can go answer the door and tell him to go if you want."

I was about to say no, to just let him be, that I didn't want to see him yet. To just leave me in peace for a few hours. To let me go in the sub-consciousness and the blissful feeling of not knowing or feeling. But then, his tired and cracked voice spoke again.

"Please, Angel, open the door."

I fluttered my eyes shut and gave a slight nod to Niall. He hummed okay and kissed my forehead, before leaving the warmth of the bed, leaving me cold and alone. I rolled out of bed and followed him, hiding at the corner of the wall, my back pressed to it so I wouldn't see him. I knew I'd break to tiny pieces if I did.

And that was precisely the problem. All the anger and fury left me, leaving only a cold empty shell inhabited by only sadness and bitterness, with the small ashes of what was before a burning flame. The remnants of a consuming passion, of a powerful love.

But that the thing with fire. You think it with last forever, fueled and bright, but in the gust of wind it is gone, leaving you in the cold and in the darkness.

I heard Niall open the door as I squeezed my eyes, willing myself not to throw myself on him and hugging all the pain away.

"What do you want, Harry?" Niall asked.
"I think it's pretty obvious that I want her. I want her with me now. I want her to listen to me." Harry said, his voice edgy and raspy. "I want her to forgive me, to let me explain. I want to see her. Please, Niall, it's killing me."
Niall sighed. "Listen, mate... What you want and what she needs are two different things. She didn't have much sleep these past few days and she kinda need a few hours to recover. Tonight has been a long night, and it's only 5 AM. Just give her some time, she'll come back."
"You don't understand, Niall..." He replied, and I knew at that moment, without even looking at him, that he was crying, just like I was. "I need her, I can't let her go. We can talk this through, I can make amends. Just please let me see her. Please. I'm begging you."
"In all honesty, I shouldn't be the one you're begging."
"Exactly, so just let me talk to her." Harry's frustration was almost tangible in his voice.
"What if she doesn't want to talk to you right now, Harry? Why can't you just let it go?"
"It's not that I can't let it go... It's that I can't let her go." Harry whispered.

I could picture him, he shoulders slouched, tears streaming down his beautiful face, his big green eyes looking red and swollen, heartbreakingly crisped in an expression of pain. I could easily imagine his sufferance, cause I was feeling the same.

Why was I still here then? Why wasn't I in his arms, letting him coax me, reassure me? Hear him say he loved me, he wouldn't ever leave again like that?

Oh right. Because of that sting of betrayal I felt in my heart. I knew it was somehow ridiculous to hang on to that tiny shred while the love of my life and I are hurting, but I couldn't just shrug it off.

"I love her, Niall. Please, let me in, let me talk to her."

I drew in a sudden gasp of air, a brutal sob making my whole body shake. I knew they both heard it when there was a sudden silence between Niall and him. Tears flowed down my face, as I wiped them in irritation.

"Baby, Angel, I know you're listening." Harry's voice called gently. "Please, can we just..." He sighed in frustration, and I knew he was practically tearing his hair apart. "Can we just talk, please. I know you can't sleep without me. I know I can't. So please, I love you, come out, talk to me."

I was on full sobs right now. The wall was supporting all of my weight, because my legs couldn't. A pair of arms delicately took me and hugged me. I recognized Niall's unique cologne and pressed myself against him.

"I'll tell him to leave." He murmured in my ear.
"No, he's right, we have to talk about this." I whispered, my voice shaky.
"You sure?"
"Yeah..." The uncertainty in my voice was clear, but Niall decided to trust me.
"Okay then... Just, know that if anything happens, you can come back here." Niall told me.
"Thank you so much, Niall. For everything."
"It's no problem, Haze. I love you."
"I love you too."

I slowly got up, with Niall's help and walked on unsure and wobbly legs. I turned the corner and saw Harry, standing tall in the doorway, and yet looking crumpled and miserable. His green eyes, empty, probably just as empty as mines, bored into my soul, analysing me. Normally, we could easily read each other, communicate in just a glance, but now it was s if I was seeing him with a gigantic wall of ice. The only thing I could tell from his state was that he was hurting. And that was it.

"Hazel, baby..." Harry whispered.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and managed to croak out a few words. "Hi. I think we should go."

He nodded, his messy curls bouncing around, looking like a nasty nest, mirroring my own appearance. I probably looked even worse, with bags under my eyes, my skin dull, my hair matted, with tear stains all over my clothes and face. I followed him to our― his room. Our? His? Us? Him and me? Him or me?

It shouldn't be like this. this was so wrong. The doubts I had, they were wrong.

He sat down in the small couch while I awkwardly sat on the edge of the unmade bed. I looked nervously at my hands, fiddling with my fingers as I felt his eyes on me.

"Haze..." He breathed sadly. "I need you to know that I am terribly sorry."
"I know you are." Was my only answer.
"You do?" His voice perked up, but I was still terribly numb.
"Yes, I do. But it's not because I know that you're sorry and that I believe you when you say it that it makes what happened okay."
"I know it doesn't, but..."
"I wasn't finished, Harry." I cut him off, my voice sounding weak and pathetic. "And just like it doesn't make it okay, I can't forgive you just yet."

His silence was his only answer. I rose my eyes only to see him looking at the ground, biting his lip. His green orbs were filled with pain.

"Do you know how hard it was, Harry?" I asked. "Do you know how facing all those fears, all that hurt once again was hard, Harry?" He opened his mouth, but I was faster. "You don't. That day, at the Meet and Greet. After she said all those horrible things to me. After she told me you didn't care, you didn't love me. After she told me nobody did. I thought I was going to die."

My voice was full of hurt, angry and sad, and horribly sharp.
"No, even worse than just the thought of dying. I didn't just think I would die. I wanted to. I wanted to just let go. Everything that happened a few months ago, after Aaron beat the shit out of me, came crashing back down, except this time, it was worse. I was alone, I was desperate. If Niall hadn't been there, I would've... I would've..."

I choked on my words as the tears relentlessly steamed down my face. I gasped for air, trying to calm myself. I couldn't have another anxiety attack. It would be the fifth one in three days. The more I had them, the worse they became.

After a few seconds in the silence only occupied by my irregular pants for air, I finally calmed down, my body still shaking.

"You know what's the worst?" I asked, chuckling humorlessly. "Is that even though Niall was the only one there for me,truly there for me, I was still wishing it was you. I was still wishing it was you that would hold me, hug me. I wish it was you that told me to hold on, to tell me thing do get better."

I looked at Harry, only to be stabbed in the chest by his remorseful eyes. My face was wet with my salty tears.

"I wanted it to be you, Harry." I whispered. "But it wasn't you. It wasn't you, and I was alone, when I shouldn't have been. You promised you'd be there for me, but you weren't. In the moment where I needed you the most, you weren't there." My voice rose up to a yell.

I jumped on my feet and Harry did the same. I came closer to him and from my 5 feet tall, I started punching his torso. I couldn't really hurt him that way, not that I was trying to, I just wanted to relieve some pain and frustration. Harry let me use him as a punching bag as I yelled.

"You weren't there! I wanted you, I needed you, and you weren't there! You can't say that you fucking need me while when I need you, you aren't there. It's not fair, and it hurts." I shouted, tears falling freely. "What is worth your love for me when you're not even there? Let me tell you, Harry: it's worth nothing! All your promises, all your words, they don't mean shit!"

Harry wrapped his arms around me, crushing me against his chest. I tried resisting him, but he was way stronger. I continued punching him and insulting him, furious. He didn't say a word, he just held me there, rubbing soothingly my back.
"You told me you loved me..." My voice cracked in a whisper. "Then why weren't you there, Harry?"
"Management, they..." Hi voice quivered and he snorted. "I can't even blame it on management, Hazel. You're right, I should've been there."

He let go of me just enough so he could look at me in the eyes.

"I can't even express how much I regret not fighting off the bodyguards to take you away from that venomous bitch, Hazel."
"Regretting doesn't make it okay." I sobbed.
"No, it doesn't. Nothing will make it okay, Hazel." He mumbled, his eyes, filled with tears. "I don't know how I can make it up to you, how I can get your love back."
I shook my head slightly. "I still love you, Harry, it's not that..." I hesitated.
"Then tell me what it is then, Hazel, cause I'm fucking clueless..." He murmured gently.
"It's that you lost my trust. I trusted you with every fiber of my body, every part of my heart, of my soul. You blew it up. I'm still so deeply in love with you, but I'm scared. I'm scared that if I ever fall again, you won't catch me. I'm scared that I'll hit the ground and just disappear. Actually, no, I'm not just scared. It terrorizes me." I told him.
"How can I get that trust back?" Harry bravely asked.
"You can't do anything... It... It will heal by itself." I answered, breathing deeply. "With time."
Harry paled. "Are you... Are you breaking up with me?"
I bit my lip, hesitating. "No." I finally answered after a few seconds.

Harry let out the breath I didn't realize he was holding.

"Let's just take it slow, okay?" I asked him.
"Okay..."

There was a long silence.

"Can we go to sleep?" I asked him.

He nodded slowly and stood up. Harry lied in the bed as I did the same. We were about a foot away in the cold bed, both of us staring at the ceiling. His hand searched for mine, and clasped around it when it finally found it. His hand was cold and oddly unfamiliar, but I still let him.

"Hazel, I know it doesn't change anything, but I'm sorry and I love you." He whispered in the dark.
"Even if I'm shattered and broken?" I asked with uncertainty.
"Even if you're shattered and broken."
"What if I was fragmented in thousands of pieces?"
"Then I'd love every single one of them."

I answered nothing, and Harry pulled me to his chest. I let him, and if his heat warmed my body, my heart still felt like ice. He looked at me in the eyes and gently kissed my cold lips. I didn't answer to it, but I didn't reject him either. I didn't know which one to do. So I did nothing.

"I love you, Hazel."
"I love you, Harry."

If it was so right, then why did it feel so wrong?

A/N: I hope you guys liked it, I sort of did, even though I shed a tear... Keep liking, commenting, following, sending cupcakes, I love you guys <3

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