We can only learn to love by loving

Part 42

I have always struggled with my emotions, especially when it comes to articulating them or explaining them to someone.

When I'm happy, I have no issue with conveying this and it's naturally clear to see. But sadness and hurt were the two emotions that I struggled with. Even if it came to something where I hadn't done anything wrong, a sense of guilt would take over.

I would sacrifice my own happiness, to prevent someone else becoming upset.

I have often found myself in situations where I have gone against my own beliefs, or agreed to something I didn't want to do to please others.

It's all good being a people pleaser, until it gets too much.

Flashback

Waiting for the uber to arrive, both Leah and I were ready to go out to meet the girls. Despite my own apprehension, and Leah's worries, I knew I needed to do this.

"We don't have to go you know, I can tell them I don't feel well"

"Le, I want too. I'm fine."

"I'm just worried that's all."

"I know babe, but I promise I'm okay, I'm looking forward to it"

I pulled Leah closer to me, wrapping my arms around her waist whilst placing a reassuring kiss to her temple.

"Promise me that if it gets too much, you'll tell me? We will go straight home"

"I promise" I smiled, wrapping my arms tightly around her as she placed her head softly against my chest.

I knew I should have told her there and then that I was scared. But once again I couldn't help myself, I knew Leah needed this night out, despite her countless offers for us to stay at home.

This is the side to Leah I loved. She was well known by the footballing world for her furrowed eyebrows and stoney face, but off the pitch, she was gently, loving, passionate, and protective. Those close to her know that once you're 'in' her circle of trust, she would do anything for you.

Pulling me out of my thoughts was the notification on my phone, notifying us that the uber had arrived and was waiting outside.

Thankfully it wasn't a long uber ride, it consisted of both of us making polite conversation with the driver whilst Leah's hand gently rested on my thigh subconsciously rubbing reassuring me.

My head was spinning a slight wave of nausea had taken over, causing me to faint.

"What happened?" I mumbled. The face of the Arsenal girls were stood in a circle around me, the facial expressions concerned as they intently watched me.

"You fainted hun, c'mon let's get you up" Beth whispered, linking her arm around mine as she helped me too my feet.

"You gave us a fright there" Katie stated, grabbing hold of my other hand as they walked me slowly towards the booth.

"Where's Leah?" I mumbled. She was the only one out of the group missing, but the one I needed the most right now.

"Shit"

"Erm, I'll go find her now" Caitlin stated before rushing into the crowd of people.

I remained seated in the booth, slowly sipping the bottle of water Beth had given me to help me come back around. Before long, Leah had arrived, a sense of panic washed over her face as she saw the frailness of my body.

"What happened?" Leah softly questioned, scooping me in her arms tightly as she could.

It took a few seconds for me to relax into her hold, I was tired and was still feeling quite faint.

"Where were you?" I whispered, my lips against her neck as I nuzzled into her.

Leah loosened her grip around me as she brought her face infront of mine, studying my features before she responded.

"I'm sorry" her left hand cupped my cheek as she circled my cheek bone.

"Where were you?" I questioned again.

The Arsenal girls were all together in the booth as I attempted my way over, they were all together when I regained consciousness, so where was Leah... and who was she with.

"I was on the dance floor." Leah whispered, her eyes now avoiding my own as she looked to the floor.

"With who?"

"Mel... I –"

"With who Leah?" Deep down, I knew she was still with the brunette from early, but I wanted her to confirm it.

"I think her name is Jess." Leah's voice was barely audible at this point, still avoiding my eye contact.

"Right." I nodded, my gut feeling was true. "I'm going home." I stated before brushing past my girlfriend.

I was exhausted, and my head was still hurting. Tonight had been a whirlwind of emotions and I felt as though I was at breaking point.

Stood outside awaiting for the uber to arrive to take me home, I felt an arm wrap around my shoulders, pulling me into their body. I knew by the touch it was Leah and so I remained silent.

"I'm coming with you, I need to make sure you're okay."

Silence

To be honest, I didn't have the energy for an argument right now. All I wanted to do was go home and get in the bed. Home. The one place I always felt safe.

The uber drive home was much different to the one to the club earlier, no conversation was made and the distance between me and Leah seemed to increasingly grow.

Internally battles with my thoughts lead to me staring blankly out the window. I knew I needed to speak to Leah. Did it hurt that she was still with that girl and not there when I needed her? Yes,

Did I think she cheated on me or done anything morally wrong with the Jess? No.

Did I know I needed to open up to Leah about everything that happened, the emotions and I felt and what pushed me over the edge of fainting? Yes

Did I want too? No.

I went to sleep that night my heart feeling heavy, despite this, I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. But I knew tomorrow would bring the hard conversation, one that I have actively avoided for so long.