We can only learn to love by loving

Part 10

How could I be so foolish to believe someone like Leah Williamson would like me? Was this all just a ploy so she could sleep with me? I knew it was still early days, but the more I spent time with her, the more my feelings began to develop. And like the fool that I am, I thought she felt the same. I thought we were on the same page.

It was hard for me to be open about my feelings, so to be rejected in that way obviously knocked me confidence, making my self-esteem even lower than usual. My eyes were now stinging through the tears which I had fled my eyelids. In moments like these, there was only one thing that would cheer me up, and that was to bake.

Taking myself to the local shop I gathered the ingredients and headed back home. Where I knew I would be spending the remainder of the night in the kitchen.

Leah's Pov

I knew I had hurt Mel, but I couldn't bring myself to be vulnerable in front of her and tell her that I felt the same way. The truth is, the thought of settling down or even getting into a new relationship scared me. The thought of allowing my heart to be in the hands of another person, after it being broken last time was too much. I had been enjoying my time with Mel, and I knew if things continued, I would eventually be ready for a relationship with her.

I hadn't expected for us to be intimate with each other tonight, and I wasn't expecting for us to talk about our feelings, I felt unprepared, almost like a rabbit in headlights as she began to tell me how she felt. Instead, I was a coward and stated I thought we were having fun. I knew how this would look, after having sex I had basically told her I wanted nothing more. But that wasn't the case.

As I left her department, I could feel the pit of guilt in my stomach becoming more prominent. I knew I needed to speak to someone about this, I knew I needed to get some advice and so I decided to call the one person who knows me better than anyone.

As the dial tone filled my car, I waited to anticipate the call to be answered.

"Hey bubba" my mum immediately answered.

"Hey mum, are you at home? I need to come and speak to you about something."

"What's wrong?" I heard the cheeriness of my mum's original playful town disappear as her voiced was now filled with anxiousness and worry.

"Erm-yeah, kind of – I just need some advice. I'll be there in roughly 10 minutes."

As I ended the phone call to my mum, I drove in silence as I replayed the events of earlier over and over in my head.

10 minutes later, I arrived at my parents' house where I was greeted by my mum who was stood patiently awaiting my arrival by the front door. As she ushered me in the kitchen and began to fuss, I sat and contemplated how to approach the topic.

"Mum, can you sit down please".

Without saying a word, my mum took a seat across the table from me. Her eyes were now fixed upon me, as I could see her studying my body language.

"Uhm – I've been seeing someone." I muttered, refusing to move my eyes to face my mum, instead they were fixated on my hands which were now picking at the nail varnish on my fingers. I think I've messed it up already though.

"How? What's happened bubba?" I could hear the sincerity in my mum's voice which helped to put my nerves at ease.

I began to explain how I have struggled since my last relationship, despite putting on a brave face in front of everyone, the insecurities were still there. I explained how I had enjoyed the time spent with Mel and how I knew I was developing feelings for her, but the idea of that scared the life out of me.

My mum offered kind words of wisdom and she tried to persuade me there was still ways in which I could salvage things between myself and Mel.

"There's one more thing....." I whispered so slow I was shocked that my mum heard the words leave my mouth.

My mum just nodded, encouraging me to progress.

"Things developed earlier tonight, we kind of... you know" I didn't want to discuss the details of my sex life with my mum, but I knew this was a key factor of why things went so wrongly earlier.

"She's the first person I have been with since you know, well since I've been single. So, when she told me about her feelings towards me, I froze. Instead, I played it off as if I only wanted something casual. I think she now thinks that's all I was interested in her for, and it really wasn't." I continued as I struggled to choke back the tears.

"Oh Leah." My mum had now edged around the table, as she stood next too me pulling me into a tight hug, my head rested into her chest as the tears began to freely fall.

"I just feel awful mum, she told me to leave her apartment without giving me chance to explain, and now I don't know how to fix it."

"Listen love, from what you've told me tonight, it just seems to be a case of miscommunication. If you want to sort this, you need to speak to her, honestly. Maybe it's time to allow yourself to become vulnerable, that way she can understand why you reacted the way you did."

I knew what my mum was saying made sense, but the fear of being rejected by Mel after tonight was too prominent right now.

I sat with my mum for a while longer as she allowed me to speak about the things that I liked about Mel. The list was endless. Maybe my feelings were stronger for the girl than I initially had realised.

By the time I was leaving my mums I was determined to fix this. I knew tonight wasn't the right time to do so as emotions were high but nonetheless, I decided to text Mel. I needed her to know that there was an explanation to all of this.

Leah

I'm sorry about earlier, but there's somethings that I need to explain to you. Please let me know when you're ready to talk xx

And with that, I made my way home. Hoping it wouldn't be long until I could finally fix this, once and for all.