First Time

91

Aiden

Life without Emily is not life. Without her, I am dead.

She was the blood that ran through my veins and warmed my cold heart. She was the air that I breathed and the light at the end of the dark tunnel that was my shit life. And now that I don't have her anymore, my whole world is thrust into a dark abyss that I will never get out of.

There is nowhere I can go where the ghost of Emily doesn't linger. All my friends' houses were stained with memories of her. After leaving Luke's house, I wandered into Westfield Park and walked for a while until I came across the gazebo. And there she was, sitting across from me on the table on the night of our first date; talking, smiling, and giggling. I ran up to the gazebo to see her better but by the time I got there, she vanished into the night mist.

Afterwards, I went back to my house and Emily was everywhere. Her stuff, her smell, her presence. Everywhere I looked, there was a memory of her or of me and her and it became too hard to bear. In a drunken stupor and pure rage, I turned the house upside down. In destroying everything, I tried to destroy her, to vanquish her ghost but nothing worked. This was mine and Emily's home and without her here, it was just a haunted house. I had to get out of there.

So, with an overnight bag, my sketchbook and her journal in hand, I left and went to Serumen's. His mum let me in and seeing the state of me, she just ushered me in and made me a bed on her sofa with some pillows and blankets. That night I slept and dreamt of Emily. Her silky skin underneath my fingertips, her soft lips brushing against mine, her beautiful blue eyes, so deep that I could drown in them. In my dream, I could see Emily clearly and she was still mine. For a moment. Then all of a sudden, she vanished, leaving behind a mist in my hands.

The same nightmare would haunt my sleep for all the nights that came after the night I lost Emily. So, I stopped sleeping.

During the days that all seemed to merge into one, I spiralled out of control. I practically lived on Serumen's sofa consuming as much alcohol and drugs as I could to drown out my thoughts and soothe the unbearable pain that was my heart breaking. Serumen, Lace and Luke would come frequently and attempt to bring me back to normal life but there was nothing they could say or do. Without Emily, there was no reason for me to do anything. There was no reason left for me to live.

So, I was determined not to. I was going to keep spiralling until I got to the lowest point. The grave.

***

"Aiden, Aiden, wake up," a distant voice called out to me.

Disappointed that I was only just sleeping, I open my eyes to find Serumen's mum sitting across from me, a hand on my shoulder gently shaking me out of my slumber.

I groan as I pull the half of my body that was hanging off the sofa back up. An empty bottle of vodka falls to the floor from underneath me.

"Aiden, look, I know you are going through a lot right now. And you know you are welcomed to stay here as long as you want. But you can't continue like this. It's been a week. You need to shower. You need to eat. You need to stop drinking, before you kill yourself. And frankly," she pulls out a small plastic bag with some white powder residue and holds it up for me to see, "I didn't even know you and Blaine were doing drugs but that has to stop right now! I've already spoken to Blaine about it."

"Who the fuck is Blaine?" I ask a second before I remember that she is talking about her son.

She sighs and shakes her head with pity.

"Look, the boys told me what happened. I mean everything, with your mum and your sisters and this girl, uhm, Emily is it?"

Hearing her name goes through me like a stab in the heart.

"I'm sorry Aiden. I really am. It sounds like you've been having it rough and that no one cared enough to really help you. I want you to know that I'm here and I'm going to help you."

"I don't need your help."

"I know you think you don't. But you need help. You have been carrying the world on your shoulders and it's time that someone shared the load with you. I'm willing to help you if you let me. I'm going to turn my study into a spare room for you and..."

"No!" I groan, "I'm not planning on being here much longer."

"Listen, I know right now it feels like you've hit rock bottom. And perhaps you have. But that just means that the only way from here is up. Life can only get better from here," she tries to be positive, "But you need to live to see it."

"You don't get it!" I snap at her.

I don't mean to be horrible to Serumen's mum. She's only ever been nice to me. But I can't deal with the fake bullshit positivity right now.

"Try me."

"I can't live without her."

"Who? Your mum?"

"No, not her," I slur.

Looks like I'm still drunk.

"Ohhh," she says with realisation, "Ok, you mean Emily. Look I don't know the full details of what you did to Emily..."

Each time she says her name, it's like another stab to my heart.

"Stop saying her name!" I beg.

"Ok, ok. Look, whatever you did, no matter how bad it is, you can only apologise and do better next time. And if this girl truly loves you, in time she will forgive you."

"She won't."

"I think she will. And if not, then maybe she's not the one for you."

"No!" I perish the thought, "She's the one. The only one. It's her or nothing."

"Ok, then she will come back to you. If she is your soulmate, if you guys are meant to be together, you will be. Give it time. Time will heal the wounds and bring you back together."

Who's fucking got time to wait for time?

"You don't fucking get it, I did apologise. I tried to explain but she wouldn't listen. She's fucking done with me and there's nothing I can do."

"Well maybe she wasn't ready to listen. Especially if the hurt is fresh. But give her time and maybe she will be ready to listen another time. In fact, why don't you write her a letter?"

"A letter?" I grimace, "This isn't the fucking Middle Ages."

"No listen, I think you should write her a letter. That way she can read your words whenever she is ready, as many times as she wants until she accepts them. And it will be a great release for you. Better than the bottle. Believe me, you won't find any release there."

I groan and lean back, my head resting on the arm rest.

"Come on, give it a try. You will feel much better and if you don't, I will...I will personally buy you another bottle."

I turn my head to look at her. She looks back at me with a sincere expression. I can't lie, Serumen's mum is the first genuine adult I've encountered in a while.

"Fine!" I give in.

"Great," she clasps her hands with a delighted smile, "You get in the shower and have some breakfast. We'll tackle the Emily problem first and then deal with everything else, ok? I'll get you some pen and paper."

"Actually, just a pen would be great thanks," I say as an idea springs to mind.