First Time

59

Emily

"Aiden, wait, please wait!" I cry after him.

He's walking briskly away from me, shaking his head, running a frustrated hand through his hair.

He has every right to. I messed up. I was annoyed with him, but I took it too far. I may have had a few too many but I knew what I was doing. I was just stupid to listen to Kitty. I never learn.

"Aiden, please. Please!"

"Why?" he turns and yells, startling me, "Why should I Emily?"

"Hear me out at least."

"I don't want to. I'm done with you Emily."

The words stab me in the heart.

"I was gonna ask you to be my girlfriend tonight. But..." he shakes his head, angry tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

Wow, I really messed up. I'm so angry with myself for hurting him like this. Whatever he did that caused me to react like this seems to pale in significance.

"You're just fucking toxic and childish and I can't Emily. I can't play your little games anymore!"

"Me? How about you? Your mood swings, your little outbursts and your violent temper? Trying to make me jealous all the time. Huh?"

"So that's it? That's why you're acting like this? Because I lit a girl's fag?"

"I'm not acting like anything."

"Listen Emily, I put up with a lot of shit from you, but I draw the line at you trying to bring up my past trauma to get back at me for whatever the fuck I did wrong. That's fucking sick!" he spits at me.

What?

"What?"

"Don't pretend like you don't know."

"I don't...what are you talking about?"

"Your little plan with Kitty. It's disgusting, I didn't think you could do that Emily. I thought you were different."

"Please Aiden, I don't know what you are talking about," I beg tearfully.

I try to take his hand, but he pulls them back and steps away from me.

"Don't touch me."

"Please Aiden, just talk to me."

"Answer me one question, why the fuck did you try to jump off the bridge?"

"I wasn't going to jump. Kitty just dared me to stand on the barrier and spread my arms out. She said it would annoy you. That's all I wanted to do."

"And you don't think that's childish? Why Emily? What did I do to you?"

"I shouldn't have listened to her. I'm sorry. I was just..."

I can't finish the sentence. I am so ashamed of my behaviour. Ridden with guilt, I burst into tears. A selfish part of me wants him to hug me and accept my apology. Tell me everything is going to be ok. But I don't deserve it, not this time.

"Emily, let me tell you something. I know I can be a dickhead. I know I can be cold and heartless. I don't care about much. I'm selfish, I know. But I care about you. Like I've never cared about anyone before. There was one girl that came close. Her name was Lauren..."

Sniffling, I wipe my tears and look at him attentively. He looks calm and vulnerable. I've never seen him like this before. I shuffle closer to encourage him to keep opening up.

"Lauren was cool. We were...close. I thought...I don't know. She was different. I thought she could have been...anyway. We went out one night. She got wasted off her head. So, I decided to take her home. Kitty tagged along. The two of them were walking ahead. And yeah, they were wasted and acting dumb but nothing serious. Then Melissa called me..."