First Time

49

Emily

After I hang up, I let the tears spill. I didn't want Aiden to hear me sob. He is right, he should be spending today of all days with his family. And I rightfully should be with mine, even though I don't want to be. I can't be selfish and guilt trip him into abandoning his family for me.

I carry the tears up to my room and stay there until I'm called to come down for presents. I quickly splash some cold water to deflate the puffiness of my eyes and lightly tap my cheeks. I head down with a deep breath. Everyone starts handing out their presents and politely exchanging Merry Christmases. On screen, this would look like a pleasant family scene but in the midst of it, you can feel the tension and it's chilling. Everyone here is pretending to be happy and merry when in reality, something is boiling underneath. Like a true Birch, I plaster a smile on my face and gracefully thank everyone for the bags, clothes, jewellery, money etc. Nothing I receive is of any real value. It just feels so artificial and empty.

Afternoon tea follows and again, ingenuine and dull conversations pass the time. Everyone acts accordingly, as if this morning didn't happen. But signs of the feuds are there. Nana never speaks to granny Vera or mum and dad. Each time I try to have a moment alone with nana, someone in the family steps into the conversation. Grandad Graham watches everyone carefully and skilfully shuts down any conversation starters that have the potential to fan the burning embers.

We get a few quiet moments in the afternoon, and I use it to take a walk around the grounds and write in my journal whilst the rain holds up. There is a bittersweet feeling of nostalgia and disappointment. The memories of being here as a child are fond but shrouded with dark, stormy clouds of doubt. Something happened. Possibly to me. And everyone knows about it but me it seems. The little, happy, innocent girl who used to play here suddenly is haunted in my mind.

My phone suddenly pings. I swiftly take it out, hope building in my heart.

I'm disappointed when the email icon pops up on the screen instead. I open it and read the contents. It's from the competition I entered to meet the artist of the exhibition I am taking Aiden to. I won! The email details the place and time of the meet and greet and a few ground rules. The time is perfect as it is right after we come back from the exhibit. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I hope Aiden and I can patch things up before then. I really don't want to ruin the amazing birthday I have planned for him. Every insecurity I had about him and about us not lasting fades into insignificance compared to how much I need him right now.

"Can I join you?" a voice behind me startles me.

"Mum," I breathe a sigh of relief as I spin around to face her.

"What are you doing out in the cold by yourself?"

"Just thinking."

"Can I ask what you are thinking about?"

"Just memories, coming here during the summers, playing with the cousins," I shake my head as I recall the images, "Saving a squirrel when it was trapped in a bush and crying when grandad told me I couldn't keep it as a pet."

"I remember that," she giggles, "We were worried about your nettle rash and all you could talk about was that darn squirrel."

I try to laugh too but the sound that comes out more closely resembles a cough.

"I even named it you know," I tell her.

"Really? What did you call it?"

"Freddie."

"Freddie. Nice," she nods and looks at me. She bears deep into my eyes and her smile slowly fades to sadness.

"Emily, my sweet, sweet girl," she says fondly, swiping some hair away from my face, "You know how much I love you don't you?"