First Time

50

Aiden

When we arrive at the Fox & Hound pub, the strong smell of Guinness mixed with Sunday dinner fills our noses. It makes me hungry and full at the same time. There's not a lot of people here and the ones who are, all fit the same demographic. People with little or no families, crackheads and divorced men drowning their sorrows with liquor.

The girls don't seem to notice though. We sit in a booth near the back and they chatter excitedly about what they want to eat as they peruse the menu. I look next to me and mum is gone. She is over by the bar, batting her eyelashes at the bartender as he pours her a beer.

I quickly sprint over and tell the bartender she won't be having the drink. She grumbles and he frowns at me but I don't give a shit.

"Don't piss me off now," I warn as I drag her back to her seat, "I'm trying to have a good night here."

In between greeting some of her crackhead friends on the way, she whispers in my ear with gritted teeth, "If I had known you'd be such a pain in my arse, I'd have closed my legs the day you was born."

"You can't even remember the day I was born," I scoff.

I wonder if she even knows that my birthday is coming up. I'm not counting on it. She hasn't remembered any of our birthdays for a long time.

"How can I? It was the second worst day of my life," she sighs as I throw her into the booth.

I sit on the edge, blocking her in.

"Whatever. Here," I hand her a menu.

A waiter soon comes around to take our order. He is relieved when I order four Christmas dinners, juice for the girls, a stella for me and water for mum. No hassle, no fuss. We try and make small talk around the table, talking about Lizzie's school, Mel's friends and me taking up drawing again but mum could not be less interesting. She sighs and yawns the whole way through and would have dropped off if the food didn't come. As we eat our dinner and open our crackers, I can't help but feel like this is a charade. We're doing the things that families do, eating dinner at Christmas, talking, but it feels empty. It feels like a pretence. Something is missing.

Someone is missing.

He should be here. He should fucking be here. He was the glue that held this family together and he fucking dried up quicker than the Sahara Desert. He left us out in the cold to fend for ourselves and all it did was destroyed us. He abandoned the family he was supposed to love and protect and provide for. He's a fucking shameless coward. I hope wherever he is, he is having a shit Christmas. Though I sense nothing could be worse than this sad scene right here.

After dinner, I go to have a cigarette whilst the girls wait for dessert. Suddenly my phone vibrates in my pocket.

"Yo," I answer.

"Aiden, it's me, Mo."

Thank you Captain Obvious.

"Yep, I knew that when I picked up. What's up?"

"Word on the street is you got shanked my G."

Sometimes I wonder who's out there giving out words for free on the streets.

"Yeah," I reply, keeping my philosophical thoughts to myself.

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"It's no big deal. I'm going to handle it."

"You don't trust us, do you?"

Well no! Why would I after they fucked up my life twice now.

"It's calm," I lie.