The Gay Who Stabbed Me

Chapter 36 (3/3/2015)

36

Alexis POV

I saw it all. I was at the delivery room and looking at my wife’s almost lifeless body while they cleaned her up. She looked so innocent, so frail and so breakable. Gusto ko siyang yakapin, gusto ko siyang gisingin and it took all my willpower to stop myself. At kahit siguro gawin ko yun, wala pa ding mangyayari dahil nakatulog siya dahil sa gamot at sa anesthesia.

It was a gruesome and bloody sight and not any man could stomach it. But I choose to look at it. I choose to witness it and I couldn’t stop my tears. Parang bawat hiwa na ginagawa nila sa asawa ko ako ang nasasaktan. Gusto ko silang pigilan. I don’t want them touching her body. I don’t want them hurting her but I know that it is for her own good.

And while I’m looking at her, I feel like I am numb. Parang kaluluwa ko na lang ang natira sa delivery room. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko nakakayanan without me fainting. Hindi naman ako matapang pero pinipilit kong kayanin dahil kinakaya niya. Patunay ang monitor that signifies her heartbeat. The doctors, nurses, attendants and people swarm in and out of the room but I remained motionless. Sa dalawang bagay lang pabalik balik ang tingin ko. Sa monitor at kay Amanda. To her pale and lifeless face.

From time to time may nag a-anounce ng stats niya, doctors gives orders. Nakikita ko ang pagpapawis ng noo ng kanyang OB gyne. Even if I could barely understand what they're talking about dahil masyadong technical, by the sound of their voice, and their body language, alam kong hindi maganda ang lagay ni Amanda.  

Then suddenly the cardiac monitor registered a flat line. For a moment I stopped breathing and my eyes landed on her OB and our eyes met. The fear in her eyes might have mirrored mine before she turned to her teams and gives order.

Everything is a blur before me as they rushed to revive Amanda. Napaigtad ako when her body jolted nung inilapat sa dibdib niya ang defibrillator pads.  At pigil ang hininga ko when they started pumping her heart.

I stood motionless through it all at ni hindi ko alam kung humihinga pa ako. Halos hindi ko na makita ang asawa ko kasi nakapalibot na sa kanya ang buong medical team. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal but for me it seems like eternity. Naninikip ang dibdib ko. Nag iinit ang mga sulok ng mga mata ko. Kahit kailan hindi ko inisip na darating ako sa puntong masasaksihan ko ang pakikipaglaban sa buhay ng isa sa mga mahal ko. At that moment, I wished na sana ako na lang ang nasa posisyon niya.

Then the machine started beeping again and I heard sighs of relief from the people around me. Napabuntunghininga din ako. Pakiramdam ko hindi din ako humihinga sa mga panahong nag aagaw buhay si Mandy.

“Are you okay Sir?” One of the medical team approached me and I absentmindedly nodded.

After a while I heard her doctor asking for instruments,they resumed operating her. Hindi ko alam kung anong lakas ang nagtulak sa akin para tingnan ang ginagawa sa kanya. But this is what I want. Pinilit ko ang doctor niya na payagan akong pumasok sa DR para tingnan ang operasyon niya, to make sure that she’s well taken care of.

Ngayon alam ko na kung bakit hindi lahat ng asawa ay gustong makita ang panganganak ng asawa nila. Kahit ako, gustong pagsisihan ang ginawa ko. I can’t almost stomach it as I saw them cut her. As blood gushed out of her. Naramdaman ko ang paninikip ng dibdib ko at ang pag iinit ng sulok ng mga mata ko as I realized the sacrifices Amanda made for me and for our family.

She’s still young, she haven’t even graduated and she set aside her studies just so she can take care of our child. And I was selfish as not to consider it. Naging selfish ako na pinakasalan ko kaagad siya at naging selfish ako that I deliberately wanted for her to bear our child para hindi na siya makalayo sa akin. In a way, kahit nung una pinilit kong lumayo, inaamin ko, that I’ve seduced her.

Gustong gusto ko na maging akin siya na nakalimutan ko na may sarili din siyang pangarap. Deep inside me, ayaw kong gawin niya ang ginawa ng totoong ina namin na iniwan na lang kami so I did everything para lang manatili siya sa akin. Akala ko nagbago na ako nung minahal ko siya, hindi pa pala, dahil ang totoo,  katulad ng dati, I am still a jerk. A jerk whose scared of rejection, of being left out and of abandonement. I was still the jerk who would do everything just to have what he wants. Whatever’s the cost.

Napabuntunghininga ako nung may maalala akong isang eksena not too long ako. Ang rason kung bakit mas pinili kong sa Pilipinas magbakasyon. I was in Austria for a modeling stint for RL. After the show, the organizer ushered me to a room. Akala ko, doon gaganapin ang after party dahil sa naging successful ang show but to my surprise I found myself face to face with the Archduchess of Austria. She’s sitting in a sofa in the middle of the room with the air of grandeur like the royalty that she is. Her presence itself is so commanding that a normal person would really bow down upon seeing her. I did pay my respect not because I respect her but because it was customary.  It was the first time that I saw her closely and people like me would consider it an honor to be given a chance to have an audience with the Archduchess. But I was not honored. I was insulted and the insults that I hurl at her the moment she called me a son could cause me my life if her bodyguards had heard it. I could be convicted for treason just for the words I threw at her. I was fuming mad  that I called her names and I left her teary eyed before I left her in that room. After that, I went to a party and drink my ass off to celebrate the encounter.  

But seeing Amanda like this made me realize that even though my mother is not the epitome of a true mother, still she choose to deliver us. She choose to give us a life when she could have choosen otherwise to preserve  her dignity  and her family’s honor. I realized that I should be thankful to her dahil kahit papaano pinili niya kaming buhayin despite the circumstances. Yes, indeed I should be thankful for the life she gave us.

Napabalik ako sa kasalukuyan when I heard the faint cry of a baby and I saw the doctor holding a very small thing where the cry came from. My breathing hitched and I couldn’t take my eyes off it.

“It’s a boy.” The doctor announced and I willed myself to come nearer. Naramdaman ko ang pagtulo ng luha ko. Hindi ko makuhang alisin ang tingin ko sa bata. My heart constricted with joy at the sight of him.

The doctor handed him to the nurses and they immediately rush into taking care of him. He was so small but the effect of his cry rendered me breathless. My heart nearly goes out. Hindi ko maintindihan kung paanong ang isang napakaliit na bagay ay may kakayahang hawakan ang puso ko just by his cries.

 Lumapit ako sa anak ko to have a closer look. Gusto ko siyang hawakan pero hindi ko magawa dahil napapalibutan siya ng napakaraming doctor, nurses at kung sino sino pa. They attached him to a machine and the fetal monitor came to life. I can see his heartbeat came to life. Napakahina at parang sumasabay ang paghinga ko sa pagtaas ang heartrate ng anak ko. I let my tears fall as I look at him and I know that I instantly fall in love. I fell in love with this little bundle of joy. I smiled at our son and I looked at Amanda and mouthed my thanks kahit na hindi niya nakikita kasi unconscious pa din siya dahil sa anesthesia.

 Lumapit ako kay Amanda and I gently caress her face and kissed her cold lips. Pagtingin ko sa anak ko, ang una kong nakita ay ang mga medical team na aligaga sa pag aasikaso sa kanya. Then my eyes landed on the fetal monitor. It was a flat line.

Nakita ko na lang ang doctor na umiling and then I heard.

“Baby boy Mondragon time of birth, 10:15AM.” Na nasundan ng mas mahinang boses. The voice that I’d rather not hear. Pero ayaw ko man pakinggan wala na akong nagawa.

“Time of death, 10:24AM.” Fresh tears started rolling down my cheeks.

His heartbeat only lasted for 9 minutes. Nine freaking minutes. Ni hindi ko nahawakan ang mga kamay niya.

He doesn’t even have a name.

At that instant...

I loathe myself.