I was with David for twenty-eight days
his socks fit me just right
his shirt not too loose
he let me argue
he listened to my rants
rages
his eyes were gentle
I was a bad pupil my whole life
my history is shattered
my dad, dead, before I set eyes on him
my mom kissing tulips in the sky
she loved all the wrong men
her body a rock under a bridge
her soul a feather waiting for a vulture
she never woke up one day
she swallowed all her pills
there I was an adult
feeling like a child
a child
crying for an adult
I was
a twenty-two year old orphan
now almost five years later
I felt safe under David's weight
but
every night before I went to bed
I would get texts from Jared
about how much he missed me
could not wait to have me naked
I looked forward to those texts
like a stranded person
on a deserted island
waiting for books to arrive
from nowhere.
November is long
without a name tag
an identity
it's as if Jared stole my identity
brought me some trinkets
to make up for my vault of past memories.
I never talked about my cemetery visits
I never told Jared about having picnics
on my parents' grave
I felt he would ridicule me
embarrass me
fill my head with so much self-doubt
when I told David I was going on
a picnic in November
he said
Je veux venir avec toi.
David was ready to meet my parents
I wanted the dead to be near me
I wanted his French culture
to suck mine dry
to end my history with ghosts.
Oui.
I took him
wore my fluffy brown coat
boots
jeans
bought smokes
and my mom's favorite bottle of white wine
it was too early for wine
but I just wanted to show her I never forgot.
Voilà, mes parents.
Anthos, it's from Greece
reminds me of the ocean
and grapes
my mom walked life with sad
tree trunk eyes
turned me inside out
empty lyrics to no song
glasses of empty wine glasses were her poems
never written
I smoked a cigarette for breakfast
with a latte
gesturing for David to sit next to me
I can't stop smoking again
I can't stop thinking of Jared
the fall leaves crunchy under me
Tell me about your mom
It was November 12th
the day after Remembrance Day
her boyfriend found her dead
on her bed
my dad's
picture next to her
no letter for me
nothing
I'm so sorry.
Ask for nothing
and you get nothing
she loved tulips
she would buy them at the grocery store
fill them up with water and soda
watch them wilt.
This is the saddest month
of my life
I want you to meet my parents.
No
I was not
a-meet-my-parents
kind of girl
tulips have no thorns
as December creeped in
as Jared's texts became consistent
as his need to see me grew heavier
I knew I had to end it with David
he was too sweet
too ordinary
too kind
I see myself
being watched
adored
ordering champagne
from a hotel room
being under
on top
of Jared
my heart floated
my senses numbed
familiar feeling of ecstasy
I smoked in bed now
alone
waiting for Jared's text
half panting
like some wild beast.
I still had seventy-two days
left of this.
I promised myself 100 days.
je veux rencontrer tes parents.
I was not ready to regret David
at least not yet.
S