Chapter 20: Growth
"What do you want to talk about?" Tavi asked and sat on the bench to face me, I smiled because of his disheveled hair as if after he got our of the camp, he hurriedly changed his clothes just to come all over here.
I sighed and leaned my back at the backrest of the wheelchair, "How's your day, My Tavi?" I called him the reason why it made him chuckled, his dimples glimpsed because of the way he smiled.
"Why are you asking this all of a sudden?" he brushed his disheveled hair using his hair and after that he caressed my hair because of the wind carrying it.
"Wala, hindi naman kasi ako maka-labas dito sa ospital kaya hindi naman kita makita." naka-nguso kong sabi sa kanya, inipit niya ang aking buhok sa tenga ko para hindi ito makabahala sa akin.
Ako lang ba yung kontento na ganito lang ang usapan namin? Basta kasama ko siya ay pakiramdam ko ay kontento na ako, kahit nga usap lang ang ginagawa namin ay pakiramdam ko ay isa ito sa magagang alaalang babaunin ko.
"Dumadalaw naman ako, ha." I shook my head as if I'm not convinced on what he said, the reason why I also want to get out of the hospital already is because I want to spend my time with him before going to New York.
"I want to get out of this hospital already, hindi ko kakayanin yung lungkot dito... masyadong tahimik." ang sabi ko at tumingala sa madilim na kalangitan saglit.
"Madaldal ka kasi, gusto mo may lagi kang ka-chika." pang-aasar sa akin ni Tavi na dahilan para mahina akong matawa at hinampas ang kamay niya. Madaldal na ba akong tao?
"Shut up, alam mo namang sa'yo lang ako nag-sasabi tapos sasabihan mo lang ako ng maingay."
"I'm just kidding, tell me what's bothering your mind, baby." nag-palumbaba ito sa kanyang hita habang malalim na naka-tingin sa akin na dahilan para mapa-lunok ako, bihira lang ang mga taong nakikinig sa akin dahil panay naman tungkol sa buhay ko ang kwinikwento ko.
Isn't cute that someone is listening to all your rants and your problems?
Suminghap ako at nilabanan rin ang tingin ni Tavi, "N-Natatandaan mo bang sinabi mo sa akin na sabay nating abutin yung mga pangarap natin, seryoso ka ba doon?" tanong ko sa kanya na dahilan para kumunot ang noo niya.
Komportable na ako sa kanya na dahilan para mag-iba nanaman ang isipan ko, nag-aalangan nanaman akong umalis dahil sa lalaking nasa harapan ko na unit-unti ko ng tinatanggap.
"Yeah, I want to reach my dreams with you." he said straightly the reason why I sighed again as if this conversation is going deeper until the topic will be on my departure.
"Hey, I just want to tell that even though we are not in a relationship, I'm happy that you're giving a lot of effort for me... you made me feel special, Tavi." I'm being transparent to him because I want to be true to myself on how much he means to me.
He became one of greatest escape on this world that is full of shitty and cruel people, he's my safe place when people are throwing words at me and he's the person who accepted just the way I am.
He kept me without chains and he kept me even though we are not yet in a relationship.
"I know you have your own plans and priorities, you said that you want to reach your dreams with me... but what if I need to go just to pursue my dreams?" I asked and all of sudden his breathing became heavy, his eyes became sharp and I'm trying to gain my composure.
Here we go, Avon.
"What do you mean?" he asked with this deep tone that made me stunned for a second, I felt compassion when he begged not to leave him because he doesn't want to be alone but I also want to grab the opportunity given to me in New York.
I know my boundaries and priorities, this New York runway is a big deal for me but I'm already hesitating because of what Tavi said. My breathing became heavy as we talked our priorities and dreams, gosh!
I keep fidgeting my fingers and looked away because I feel that I can't fight his gaze to me, this is a serious matter because this deals with our priorities and dreams.
Maybe our fondness can wait and maybe he will understand that I need to go to pursue my dreams in New York, Tavi is kind of person who's considerate and he understands that not every people is beside him all the time.
"My dream is to go in New York." I mumbled and can't look at him in the eyes, kung noon ay walang pag-aalinlangan ang pag-alis ko papuntang New York, ngayon naman ay naguguluhan ako kung ano bang dapat kong gawin.
"Napasama ako sa mga rarampa sa fashion show na magaganap after three months." mas lalong pabigat ng pabigat ang pag-hinga ko habang sinasabi ko sa kanya ang napag-usapan namin ni Sharla, parang kanina lang ay diresto lang ang pag-sagot ko na walang dahilan para hindi ako pumunta ng New York pero ngayon ay mayroon na.
"Look at me, baby." he said the reason why I bit my lower lip and shut my eyes for a second, he's giving me a hard time to leave because honestly, I want to spend my time with my soldier.
I gained my sense and looked at him, nakita ko ang pag-aalala sa kanyang mukha na dahilan para manginig ang ibabang labi ko. Bakit pakiramdam ko ay mahihirapan akong umalis dahil sa lalaking naging parte na ng mundo ko kahit dalawang buwan palang naman ang nakakalipas simula nung mag-tama ang tingin namin?
"Now, tell me if you're going to leave me or not." he said with this heavy-chest voice the reason why I brushed my hair because of frustration, he said it already and he read that there's someone who needs to go to pursue her dreams.
"Tavi, I'm not leaving yet... may ilang araw pa ako dito bago ako umalis." pilit kong pinapakalma ang boses ko dahil kita ko na ang lungkot sa kanyang mga mata na para bang ito na ang kinakatakutan niyang mangyare.
Kung alam niya lang kung gaano kahirap na umalis na ngayon ay mayroon na kaming nararamdaman sa isa't-isa, kung alam niya lang kung gaano ko gustong manatili pero hindi e.
"After few days, you will leave." he mumbled as if he's a little kid who doesn't want to be left out, he's this kind of kid who doesn't want to be alone because he might end up accepting that no one wants to stay with him.
I shook my head and held his hand, " Look, I'm saying this to you because I want to settle things before I go. Even though we are not yet in a relationship, I want you to know what are my plans." I want to take this opportunity for us to grow, we want to pursue our dreams and we are both rooting for each other.
"Hindi mo ba alam kung ano naman ang plano ko para sa ating dalawa?" tanong niya na dahilan para manlamig ang katawan ko, may ginagawa na siyang plano sa aming dalawa kahit wala pa kami sa isang relasyon.
He sighed and held my hand, "I'm planning on courting you already, and maybe after years, I will take your hand and ask you to marry me while wearing my combat uniform." because on what he said, I'm hesitating already to go. Does he know that he already committed his life to me?
"Are you already committing yourself to me?" I asked, and I felt happy when someone committed his life to me. I don't want to depend on this love because I know there will be times that we will not understand each other.
He cleared his throat and held my hand tightly the reason why he gave me a hard time leaving, "Yes, I already committed my life to you." he mumbled with this breathy voice, my lower lip trembled but forced a smile.
"I'll stay in New York for three months, can you wait for me?" if he will stop me, then I will lose the opportunity given to me. This fondness needs growth, and I want him to understand that I'm not always there to reach his dreams. Sometimes, we just need to support our loved ones silently because that is better.
He went mute for a second the reason why I sighed again, "Then, how about this? After three months, propose to me?" I asked the reason why he smirked all of a sudden. I propose already that I'm ready to commit my life to him.
"Why do I feel like you already proposed to me already?" his lips curled, but I know he's holding into something, he doesn't want me to leave, but he knows that I need to because I want to pursue my dreams.
"Tss, I'm not forcing you...after three months, puwede namang jowain kita." pag-bibiro ko para naman gumaan ang usapan namin, ang sayang isipin na kahit kaunting panahon ko palang nakikilala si Tavi ay pinapakita niya na kaagad kung sino talaga siya.
"You already told me that I'm your jowa in your imagination?" mahina akong natawa at napakamot sa ulo ko ng matandaan na gumagawa ako ng sarili kong kahibangan, iniisip na may relasyon kami ng sundalong 'to.
"Yeah, ako lang naman ang nakaka-alam na may relasyon tayo." umirap ang mga mata ko at hindi pa rin maiwasan ang mapa-ngiti dahil sa baliw talaga ako sa sundalong 'to, may gusto rin pala ito at nagawa pa akong kunan ng litrato.
"I've been dating you in my imagination, tss."
"Then, okay." he said the reason why my forehead creased, anong sinasabi niya diyan?
"What?"
"Ready your hand after three months, Avon," he added the reason why I got confused, I was just joking about him proposing to me after three months. He's crazy, that's not what I mean, I don't want to force him to do the things I said.
"After three months, I will propose to you." ani niya na dahilan para umigting ang panga ko, ramdam ko ang mabilis na pag-tibok ng puso ko dahil sa pag-payag niya. Nag-bibiro lang naman ako kanina pero hindi ko inaakala na seseryosohin niya.
Suminghap ako at inusog ang wheelchair ko ng bahagya at binukas ang dalawang braso ko na dahilan para kumunot ang noo niya, "Come here, my Tavi." ang usal ko sa kanya at kaagad na nawala ang pag-tataka sa noo niya, lumapit ito sa akin at mahigpit akong niyakap.
I hugged him tightly and cherished this moment under the moon, "Thank you for understanding, Tavi," I thankfully said and caressed his hair, he doesn't know how much he means to me, and I love how considerate he is.
"Three months and I will still hold your hand even though you're far away, Avon. I want both of us to pursue our dreams, and I want us to grow, as much as possible I want to understand that you have plans that you want to do without me, that's fine."
"I want to keep you without chains, I want you to grow for yourself and I will do the same. Hindi naman puwedeng pigilan ko yung pangarap mo, susuportahan naman kita e." hindi niya alam kung gaano ako natutuwa sa tuwing nag-bibigay siya ng konsiderasyon sa akin, gusto niyang mas maging maayos kaming dalawa at ngayon ay nag-tataka na ako kung karapatdapat ako sa kanya.
"Let's appreciate each other's success even though we are far from each other. I will root for your success. Your achievement is also my fulfillment in life, make the crowd wild with your walk, and I promise that every milestone you will have, I'll be there."
I closed my eyes because of his caressing words that make my heart soften. This is how pure Captain Gustavo is. He wants both of us to grow individually, even though we will be apart for three months. Do I deserve this kind of man?
Damn! He's considering that I want to pursue my dreams. He will still support me in every milestone that I want to have. I'm lucky to have him even though we are not yet in a relationship. I don't consider the label because I'm more into the growth of both of us.
"You have me, you can have me for the rest of your life."
"Tss, why do I feel like you're saying a farewell to me?" I confessed, and a gentle smile escaped my lips. As I hugged him, I looked at the moon and wished for his happiness. I wished we can end up being together. He can have me for the rest of his life.
"Stupid, stop saying things already. If you need to go, then I will help you pack your things." suddenly, I felt sadness in his voice but, he's trying to control himself. The gentle smile disappeared the reason why I moved and faced his cheek to give it a light kiss.
"Accompany me to the airport. You're the only person I need before I go."
"Okay, baby."
Hindi na nag-tagal ay naka-uwi na ako sa bahay at halos hindi ko mapigilan ang mapa-ngiti ng maka-balik na ako kung saan komportable ako, kung saan ayos lang kung ako lang ang nandito sa bahay.
Pero nakakalungkot na isang linggo palang ang nakakalipas pero hindi pa rin nahuhuli kung sino ang nag-pasabog, balita pa rin ang mga taong nasawi dahil sa nangyareng pag-sabog pero ang hindi ko makakalimutan ay ang babaeng humihingi ng tulog dahil ang kapatid niya at ang nanay niya ay nadaganan ng kisame.
Tandang-tanda ko ang pag-sigaw niya at naaalala ko kung gaano nag-dudugo ang ulo niya, hindi ko siya nagawang matulungan dahil sa hindi ko magalaw ang katawan ko.
Asaan na kaya siya?
Paika-ika pa akong lumibot ng bahay ko pero kaagad akong dumiretso sa kusina para pag-lutuan ang sarili ko, kumuha ako ng pagkain sa loob ng refrigerator at hindi ko pa rin maalis ang ngiti sa labi ko.
I'm lucky that I survived. I was lucky because I handled the explosion at that time. I take this as my second life, but I'm still in mourning because of the people who died in the explosion. It was a traumatic moment because you have no idea that it will be a war.
Ilang araw nalang ay kailangan ko ng umalis, ramdam ko ang saya dahil sa unti-unti naman akong gumagaling at sa New York nalang siguro ako mag-papakondisyon.
I don't want to lose this opportunity because this is once in a lifetime, hindi dahil sa trauma na ito ay matitigil na ang pag-punta ko sa New York. Isang linggo nalang ang natitira kong araw dito sa Pilipinas at nais kong sulitin ang oras ko bago ako umalis.
Nilagay ko ang steak sa pan ko at nagawa pang matulala dahil sa biglang sumagi sa isipan ko si Tavi, humigpit ang hawak ko sa spatulang hawak ko ng maalala ko ang sinabi niya sa akin na hahayaan niya akong umalis para gawin ang pangarap ko.
I want to reach my dreams, kung noon ay sarili ko lang ang kailangan ko para maabot ang pangarap ko pero sinamahan ako ni Tavi at hindi ko maipaliwanag kung gaano ako kaswerte na nakilala ko siya.
He's matured, and he's considerate that I need to do some things without him, but still, he supports me. That's the man I'm looking for, he wants us to grow both individually and every milestone we have, we will celebrate it together.
Pero hanggang sa dulo ay ganito ba?
Umaasta na ako na pag-kauwi ko ay ako pa rin kahit na tatlong buwan kami mag-kalayo?
Grabe naman ako maka-asta e' wala namang kami pero wala akong pakielam doon dahil sa pinaparamdam niya palang ay sapat na ito sa akin para ibigay ko ang sarili ko sa kanya.
Masyado ba akong nag-mamadali?
I was stunned when someone wrapped arms on my waist. Someone buried his head on my neck, the reason why my lower lip trembled. I smelled the cologne of that person because of how close he is to me, he smells so good, and I'm also in love with this back hug.
"Baby," he mumbled, the reason why I smiled after being stunned for a second, I put my hand on his hair and played it. I don't even know he entered the house. He's really sneaky sometimes.
"Being sneaky again, Tavi. Hindi mo sinabi na pupunta ka dito edi sana nakapag-handa ako ng pagkain." hindi na mawala ang ngiti sa aking labi at parang nawala saglit ang pag-aalala ko dahil sa dumating siya.
"The food is already done, I'm hugging it already." bulong niya na dahilan para maramdaman ko ang mainit niyang hininga sa leeg ko, tumaas ang balahibo ko at hindi ko alam kung ano bang dapat gawin.
"W-Why are you being clingy all of a sudden?" I stuttered and tried to gain my composure to cook the steak on the pan, his breath is making me anxious, and all of a sudden, I felt something inside my stomach as if something is ticking it.
Mas lalong humigpit ang pag-pulupot niya sa beywang ko na dahilan para maramdaman ko ang matipuno niyang katawan sa likod ko, napalunok ako dahil nanahimik ito saglit na para bang sinusulit itong pag-yakap sa akin.
"T-Tavi--"
"Stop talking, just give me a minute to hug you...I'm contented just hugging you, Avon." he cut me out the reason why I pressed my lips. I know there's a meaning behind those words, and I know that he's controlling himself to say something about my departure.
Ilang minuto ko siyang pinag-bigyan dahil alam kong kailangan ko rin naman ito, ang yakap na ito na pinapa-init ang katawan ko at ang yakap na ito na nangangahulugang nahihirapan kaming mag-kalayo sa isa't-isa.
I've attached myself to him already, and even though we had only known each other for two months, I fell in love with him all of a sudden. Ganon naman talaga ang pag-ibig, bigla-bigla nalang 'yang darating sa buhay mo hanggang sa gawin ka ng baliw.
Hindi nag-tagal ay humiwalay na siya sa akin na dahilan para humarap ako at nag-aalala siyang tiningnan, parang naging matamlay ang mukha nito at kita ko ang pangamba dito.
"Hey..." I said and caressed his cheek, the reason why our eyes met, he's holding into something, and I can see it. He's visible to me, I read his face, and I can see that he wants to tell me something, but he's hesitating.
"What is it? I can see that you want to say something, what is it?" I gently asked him while caressing his cheek. He wrapped his arms again on my waist, the reason why I got closer to him again.
He sighed and bowed for a second, "I don't want to be selfish, but I don't want you to go, Avon." he mumbled, and I felt pain on my chest because of those words as if he's begging me already not to go.
Sinandal ko ang nakayukong noo niya sa akin at malungkot siyang tiningan pero kailangan kong labanan ito, alam mo yung pakiramdam na kahit ilang buwan mo palang nakakasama ang isang tao ay sobrang hirap ng pakawalan nito?
I value every moment I have with him, and I can wait to spend more my time with him. I have a reason why should I go back here to the Philippines, he will wait for me, and I will make him proud.
"I don't want you to go, but I don't want you to lose the opportunity." he makes my heart soften. The way he wants me to stay, but he also thinks about the opportunity given to me. I have this man who changed my perspective in life, and I also have this soulmate, that listens to my problems and rants.
Ngayon lang ako umibig ng ganito kaya sana hanggang sa huli na ito.
"Three months, Tavi. May rason ako kung bakit ako dapat bumalik, papakasal pa tayo." saglitan na sumingit ang ngiti sa aking labi habang naka-sandal ang noo ko sa kanya, sumilay rin ang ngiti sa kanyang labi na dahilan para gumaan ang usapan namin.
"Yeah, but will I be okay without you?"
Tumango naman ako bilang sagot sa kanya, hindi puwedeng umikot lang sa akin ang mundo niya palagi. Hindi pa naman ito ang huli para sa aming dalawa dahil alam kong mag-tatagpo nanaman kami at sa pag-tatagpo na iyon ay doon niya hihingin ang kamay ko.
"Of course, you should be okay because I will do the same. You need to continue, and also, you don't have to depend your life on me." hindi puwedeng dumipende sa akin ang buhay niya, ayokong maging ganyan ang isipan niya dahil kailangan niya pa ring gawin ang trabaho niya.
We started swaying, and even though we don't have music, I can feel the fondness we have for each other. This silence makes it more like a dream to me, I have my dad as the first man who loved me, and this soldier came to my life to complete me.
"Promise me that you'll be okay even though I'm not here, please do it." I pleased while cherishing this moment we have on each other. If I already reached a one of my dreams, I could say that my dream on finding my man is already hear.
Pinulupot ko sa kanyang leeg ang dalawang kamay ko at panay ang pag-kanan at pag-kaliwa namin na kahit wala namang tunog ay sumasayaw pa rin kami.
"Okay, but make sure you will take care of yourself." he said the reason why I looked at him deeply as if I want to memorize every corner of his face that will be a tattoo in my mind.
"Yes, Captain. Your order is my command." I said while smiling and I saw him taking a glance on my lips, the smile fade away and I also did the same.
We stopped swaying and I keep shifting my eyes on his lips and to his stare, I gulped and I felt my heart racing all of a sudden. This silence makes me do the things I never experienced.
My breathing became heavy when his face got closer to mine, his sharp gaze is telling me something but I can't figure it out. He's holding something and I think he's not telling me what he's thinking.
"I love you, baby." he mumbled the reason why his lips got my attention, it was natural red and I wonder how it feels like again.
Yung huling hinalikan ko siya ay doon mas lalong lumalim ang naramdaman ko sa kanya at ngayon ay parang nag-hahanap ako ng pag-kakataon para maramdaman ulit 'yun.
"I-I love you, my Tavi." I stuttered and our body became one as he already took the chance for this night, his lips touched mine the reason why I closed my eyes to feel this contentment he's giving me.
I pulled him even closer to my body so that his lips will bury on mine, I can only hear our lips being as one and he caressed my cheek to get the proper position on where to aim my lips.
It was a gentle kiss for a moment but I can feel that he's going deeper already, the reason why I put my other hand on his chest. My heart is already filled with love and I can't stop myself anymore, knowing that Tavi loves me already.
He held my waist and lift me up, I was sitting on the table already and his hand is already travelling on my body the reason why the kiss became aggressive.
Damn! This is good, I love the way he caressed and kissed me.
The sound of our lips being as one makes it more romantic, we broke the silence and we are being aggressive this time. He put his hand on my neck to bury my lips on him.
I wrapped my legs and I can't control myself anymore, the way he's kissing me right now makes me crazy. His hand is careful, he only held my waist and still wants to respect me.
Mas lalong naging agresibo ang pag-halik niya na dahilan para suklian ko ito, humigpit ang hawak ko sa tela ng kanyang damit at mas lalong binigyan siya ng dahilan para ipag-patuloy ang ginagawa namin.
Ang labi niya ay nawala sa labi ko at napunta ito sa leeg ko na dahilan para suminghap ako, umawang ang sulok ng labi ko dahil sa unang karanasan at masaya ako na si Tavi ang gumagawa nito.
It's like he's leaving a mark on me, a mark that will say that I'm only for him.
"T-Tavi..." I called his name and bit ny lower lip because of the temptation filling my body, I felt some butterflies inside my stomach and the warmth travelling all over my body.
Mas lalong bumigat ang pag-hinga ko ng lumalalim na ang pag-halik niya sa leeg ko na dahilan para mahiga na ang likod ko sa lamesa, hindi ko na alam kung saan ako babaling na dahilan para mariin kong ipikit ang mga mata ko.
"H-Hey," I stuttered, the reason why he stopped kissing my neck.
"Oh shit, I forgot you just got out of the hospital." he cursed and I opened my eyes, I saw him clenching his jaw and also slapping his cheek so that he will gain his composure.
"Y-Yeah, I also forgot that I just got out of the hospital. You sneaky soldier, chansing ka." ang naka-ngisi kong sabi at pinabangon ang sarili ko para umupo ng maayos. Ramdam ko pa rin ang mabilis na pag-tibok ng puso ko pero dapat kong ayusin ang akto ko ngayon.
"Tss, maybe we can do that after three months. I'll make sure that you'll not feel your legs anymore, Avon."
"You stupid, stop saying that!"
"Tss, after three months, my bed will be also your bed, Avon. I will fucking marry you so come back after three months or else I'll be the one who will go to New York to get you."