chapter playlist ⏯
• the 1 - taylor swift
• happy for you - alex porat
• a little bit yours - jp saxe
long chapter alert 🚨
---
a week or so later
gemma <<<
"You already seem brighter."
I grinned as I walked into Isaac's office.
"That's what ridding your life of textbooks, papers, and assignments can do," I replied. "I feel...lighter."
He laughed. "I'm very happy for you. Truly," he told me. "And graduation is what, three weeks away?"
I nodded. "Ish."
"Wow," he said, leaning back in his chair. "You're making me feel old. I remember when you were standing there on your first trip to New York."
"You are old," I told him, sitting down across from him. "And so am I. We're a couple of adults."
"I guess we are," he said. "It's not too bad, though."
"No," I said, shaking my head. "Not too bad so far."
He shuffled through some papers on his desk. "How's Jesse? He doesn't come around much anymore."
Yeah, he doesn't.
"I know," I said. "He's good, though. He was just really busy doing research and finals and all that. Now he's looking for a job and stuff, so he's still busy."
"You sound disappointed," he said.
"Well, it's hard to sound excited about such a thing, but I manage," I replied with a shrug.
Truth is, it seems as though Jesse has been avoiding me lately, not the other way around. I mean, I haven't even had to make up excuses or anything for why I don't want to hang out. He's the one making excuses now. It's weird, and I don't know how I feel about it. I'm thankful for all the space, but it's a red flag that I haven't had to facilitate it.
"Good for you," Isaac said. "I have a task for you, actually."
"What is it?" I asked.
"I want you to shadow me," he said. "Sit in on consultations and meetings and just see every aspect of the job."
"Why?"
"Because," he said with a shrug. "You have your degree now—almost—and I want you to take on a bigger role in the company. If you want it. I don't know if you're planning on going somewhere else or anything, but if you aren't, I'd like you to be able to do more. Like, real stuff. Like I do."
Holy shit. Like a real job. He wants this to be like, my real job.
"Isaac...really? You want to like, train me? Me? To work here for real?" I asked. "What about the other actual good employees here? That actually know what they're doing? You don't want to train them."
He chuckled. "You already do work here for real, first of all. And you have something special, Gemma, that the other employees don't have. You're passionate about books and about reading—you're a writer, for God's sake—and that's the kind of person this company needs at the top. Someone who cares, and will put in the time with each book, each author...someone people can connect to. And I know that you'd be perfect for it."
I felt a lump in my throat. It's hard to learn that someone has such high expectations of you. Thinks you have so much potential. Feels like a lot more pressure than before.
However, I feel eager about the opportunity to work here for real. I'd love to do what Isaac does. He reads for a living and helps people make their dreams come true. Sounds amazing to me.
"I'd love to," I told him. "Really. I'm still writing, though. I don't want to just give that up completely, you know?"
"Of course not," he said. "As your publisher, I want you to write more than anyone. You can do both. I'm not planning on going anywhere."
I smiled. "Okay. Sounds amazing then. I'll come in on Monday ready to learn."
He laughed a little. "Can't wait. Have a good weekend."
"You too," I told him. "Give Amanda my love."
"Give Jesse mine."
He doesn't even want my love.
"Will do," I said with a smile. "See ya."
"Bye."
I left and began my journey home. For some reason, I found myself turning to go to Jesse's instead of back to my apartment. Weird and un-Gemma-like.
I made it to his apartment and prayed that he was there and that his roommate wasn't. Not because I don't like his roommate, but just because I'd rather be alone. I prayed he'd be happy to see me.
I knocked on the door. Eventually, I heard footsteps approaching, then the door unlocking.
The door swung open to reveal Jesse Cooper. He looked as if he had just gotten out of bed. His hair was disheveled and his eyes were noticeably tired. He wore gray sweatpants and no shirt.
He raised his eyebrow.
"Hey," I said.
"Hey," he replied. "What's up?"
I shrugged. "I was just walking home and...I wanted to see you."
He smiled, leaning against the door frame. His skin was begging to be touched.
"Not a very Gemma thing to do," he said.
"Maybe you don't know me like you think you do."
He chuckled. "Is that a challenge?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. Is Tyler here?"
Jesse shook his head. "He's in Boston for the weekend."
"Perfect," I said, and I wasted no time in kissing him. He pulled me inside and shut the door behind us. I put my hands on the sides of his face, but then ran my fingers across his shoulders and his arms and his chest, feeling every muscle.
He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist; his hands were cold on my thighs, but his lips were warm and welcoming. He carried me to his room and laid me on his bed.
He was about to kiss me again when he stopped. He just looked at me.
"What?" I asked, feeling embarrassed suddenly.
He just shook his head. "I just...I want to take a picture of this moment in my head and savor it. There's not many days where you randomly show up at my door to jump me."
I laughed a bit, tracing his jawline with my finger. "Should I do it more often?"
He smiled a small smile. "I think you should just be Gemma and not change a single thing."
He kissed me finally, leaving me a bit dazed. What an odd response. An incredibly kind response, but still odd. He would usually say something that makes me blush in such a situation.
A few hours later, he and I were still in his bed, but now, he was sleeping. I was, too, but now I'm awake and can't fall back asleep. I looked over at him, taking in as much of him as I could. He looked so peaceful. He looked so perfect. I felt like someone was stabbing my heart. He never deserved what I did to him, and he never will.
He's been weird lately. He just seems off and not like himself. Usually I'm the one in this type of rut, so it's weird to be on the other side of it. I don't like it; I feel like it's all my fault. Is this how people feel when they're dealing with me? I felt the pit in my stomach grow even larger.
I just worry that he somehow found out about Shawn and I. I don't know how he possibly could have, but what if he did? But if he did, why is he still with me? Wouldn't he at least confront me? I don't think he'd stay with me if he found out, really. He definitely shouldn't.
I think he's probably just feeling off. We're in a weird part of our lives, and he's going through a lot these days, and I totally understand if he wants more space. I'm cool with giving him more space. I wish he would enlighten me a bit, though. I just want to understand.
Holy cow. I think this is exactly what it's like to deal with me. I'm sure Jesse's had that same thought a thousand times.
I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep again. My mind wandered, of course, past Jesse and straight to Shawn. I'd give anything to stop thinking about him. Anything.
It's been about a month since that night. I haven't heard anything from him, which is good. The letter thing still worries me, but I'm just trying to keep a positive mindset. Maybe he did get it since Edith asked him last. I hope that that happened. I hope Paige didn't find it. I mean, if Paige found it, I'm sure Edith would have some news to report back to me. Unless Paige is okay with it and isn't going to confront him about it. That'd be okay, even if she did end up finding out. But I doubt she'd just say nothing. I know I wouldn't.
Jesse stirred next to me. I opened my eyes to look at him and saw him rubbing his own eyes and yawning.
I reached over and ran my fingers through his hair. He looked at me, the grogginess apparent in his appearance.
"Have you been awake long?" he asked.
I shook my head. "No. I just woke up, too," I told him. "Did you sleep well?"
"I slept amazingly," he said. "Did you?"
"Yeah," I replied. "Very well."
He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him, then started placing warm kisses on my neck and my exposed shoulders.
I hummed in satisfaction, a sign that I wanted him to keep going. He did, and I felt myself ignoring the guilt. It almost felt perfect. But it never really escapes me.
"Do you have plans tonight?" I asked him.
"Yeah, so just let me do this a bit longer," he replied passively, still kissing me.
I smiled a bit. "Okay."
And so he did. Maybe he's not off. I mean, this seems like regular Jesse—all touchy and affectionate. Wouldn't he be trying to keep his distance if something was wrong?
"Are you parents staying with you for graduation?" I asked him.
"Nah. They'll have to stay in a hotel. No way everyone's fitting in here, even if Tyler was gone," he replied. "I guess your dad and brother can stay with you, though."
"Yeah. Barely," I told him. "I'm excited to see them, though. And excited for them to see you."
"You think they'll want to meet me?" he asked.
"I think they'd love to."
He didn't say anything else about it.
I left his apartment an hour or so later, feeling a little weird about everything. In some ways, Jesse was perfectly normal, but in others, he was totally weird. I just want to know what's wrong. I hate this feeling in my stomach. It makes me worry.
I don't want him to break up with me. I want to be with him. I really, really do.
However, if he broke up with me, I wouldn't have to kiss him and sleep with him and tell him I love him every day all while knowing that I did the most horrible thing to him. That'd be the upside, I suppose.
If he broke up with me, would that break my heart? What does it even mean to have your heart broken? What constitutes heartbreak?
I think Jake broke my heart. I gave myself to him for nearly three years. I gave him everything. I trusted him and I loved him and I stayed with him through everything because I thought he felt the same way about me. And to know that none of it was real, or at least that I was never enough for him was totally soul-crushing. It felt like I was living a lie for so long. I couldn't even understand how he could sleep with some girl knowing that I was at home, knowing that I loved him and gave him everything.
I cheated on Jesse, though. I'd like to think my situation is a little more justifiable. Nowhere near okay, but a little more justifiable. There was history and unfinished business involved; with Jake, he was just being a dick.
So yeah. Heartbreak.
I think breaking up with Shawn broke my heart, too. I don't think your heart can only be broken by someone breaking up with you; I think your heart can be broken in a lot of different ways. I gave him everything, too, and it was heartbreaking to feel like we reached the end. To feel bad enough about myself that I felt like I couldn't be with him anymore. I wasn't good enough. Not that I ever was, but I just reached a new low that he didn't even deserve to witness. That was heartbreaking.
But Jesse...would that be heartbreaking? I mean, I'd be sad. Fuck, I'd be sad. Knowing that he didn't want to be with me anymore would suck. Knowing that I failed to make him feel loved. I failed to make him happy. That hurts. But I don't know if I'd be as broken as I was for Jake or Shawn.
But it's not because I liked them more or something. I mean, I think Jesse and I really do have something real. It feels weird to say for some reason, but I love him. I get butterflies in my stomach when I see him, and I'm sad when he's gone, and I think I'd do a lot and give up a lot if it meant him being happy. I mean, that's real, isn't it?
But for some reason, him breaking up with me would kind of feel like a relief. I think because I know that I deserve it. I don't have the right to be heartbroken because I did something so horrible to him. It'd be a bit relieving for him to just get it over with.
No. It wouldn't. I do not mean that.
But I wouldn't have to live a lie.
It's not that big of a deal. It was a long time ago now. Just move on already.
Sigh. I miss when things were easy.
---
the next day
shawn >>>
"Answer your fucking phone, Paige," I said under my breath, feeling frustrated.
I've called Paige three times, and she's MIA. Now I'm in Vegas, standing outside her apartment, waiting for her to come home or answer her phone. I need a key to her apartment. I just expected her to be here, so I didn't even consider this possibility.
So much for surprising my girlfriend.
I decided to get back in my car and drive around until she calls me. I have no other choice, really, and what better activity than driving around after driving for five hours?
I told Paige I was going to be too busy this weekend to see her, so we just decided to cancel and move on, but then some stuff got rescheduled, and suddenly I was free. So I thought I'd surprise her. But I don't know where she is.
Paige has sort of been distant lately, and I'm a little concerned that she somehow found out about Gemma and I. I don't know how she would have, but it's just not like her to be distant, you know? She's clingy and sometimes too in-your-face; she's never distant. Unless there's something wrong.
But she'd break up with me if she knew, wouldn't she? She'd say something to me at least, right? She wouldn't just be distant like this. That's a weird response.
I drove around for fifteen minutes until I received a phone call from her.
"Hey. Sorry. I was busy," she said. "What's up?"
I was busy is crazy vague, but I didn't feel like pressing on. I want to lay down.
"Nothing. I just wanted to talk. Are you home?"
"Yeah, I just got back. I can talk," she replied. "How's your day been? Busy, right?"
I smiled to myself, quite pleased with how this is going to turn out. Even though I'm a little annoyed with the situation and bothered by her ambiguity, surprising people is always fun.
"Yeah. I'm ready to lay down and not do anything for the rest of the night," I said.
"I wish I were there," she replied.
"Me too," I said. I had to smile.
We talked until I got to her apartment, and I walked to her door and waited for the right moment to knock.
"What are your weekend plans?" I asked her. I spoke quietly.
"Um...I don't know yet. Nothing exciting, probably," she answered.
"Really? Nothing?" I asked.
Then I knocked, before she had the chance to answer.
"Hold on," she said, sounding annoyed. I heard footsteps nearing, then a gasp. She must have looked through the peephole.
The door swung open.
She was looking at me with her mouth open.
"Surprise?" I said.
And then she jumped into my arms, holding onto me so tight that it almost hurt.
I laughed.
"What the hell is this?" she asked, pulling back from me. "What are you doing here? I thought you had all that stuff."
"Rescheduled," I told her. "So, I thought that maybe it wouldn't be too late to show up to spend the rest of the weekend with you."
She looked as if she was about to cry.
"No. Not too late at all," she said. "I'm going to cry."
She sniffled, and I hugged her again, and she wrapped her arms around me. Things feel perfectly good right now.
I followed her inside and noticed that her apartment was messy, which is extremely rare. It isn't that messy; I'd consider it perfectly acceptable, but for Paige, it's a pigsty. I've never even seen unwashed dishes in her sink until now.
"It's so messy—I know," she said. "I really don't want to talk about it. I'll clean up in the morning."
"I don't really want to talk about it either," I replied. "I couldn't care less."
She shot me a look.
"I meant it as a compliment. Like, your apartment could be a complete disaster, but it wouldn't matter to me because I love you regardless of the cleanliness of your living space."
"I appreciate that," she said unenthusiastically.
I couldn't ignore the red flag here. I've been with her for a long time, and this is the first time I've seen her apartment in any state of messiness. There has to be a trigger, right? This isn't just some out-of-the-blue thing, is it?
God, now I'm worried. What could have possibly happened?
"I think I'll just clean up now, actually," she said. "I can't relax when I know it's like this."
"Why is it even messy?" I asked. "That's so uncharacteristic of you that it's almost worrisome."
"I've just been busy, I guess," she replied. "I don't know. Don't be worried. You're the one who's always wanting me to let go a little more anyway, aren't you?"
She has a point, except I can tell that this isn't something she's doing for me. I don't think she's doing it on purpose.
"Let me help," I said as she went to work on the dishes.
"Just go lay down, babe. I'll be in in just a minute," she told me. When I didn't leave, she gave me a look. "I mean it."
So I obeyed, because I knew that she'd prefer to work alone and that I'd prefer to lay in her bed. It was quite a long drive.
I listened to her clean for a while before I felt myself drifting away to unconsciousness. I don't want to fall asleep in here before she's done, but also, it feels so good to close my eyes...
I woke up abruptly, although I don't know why. All of a sudden I was awake; I was knocked out of my dream and back into consciousness. It's a shame, because I was having a good dream about...well, never mind.
Paige was next to me, her blonde hair a mess against her pillow. She was breathing loudly, which she does when she sleeps. It could be construed as annoying, but I've grown to like it. Now, I find it harder to sleep when I can't hear her breathing.
It's pitch black outside. I reached over to the nightstand for my phone, and eventually, my hand located it.
2:28 a.m.
What the fuck? I've been sleeping for the past...six hours? That doesn't sound healthy. Also, it seems unfair to Paige.
I stealthily got out of bed and walked into the living room. Everything was clean again, making me wonder if last night's mess was possibly just a dream. It doesn't feel like it really happened.
I got myself a glass of water and downed it with one big gulp. Refreshing.
I examined the photos on the mantle. which I've done many times before. There's the one of her and her sisters at the beach, and the one of her and her parents in Ireland, and the one of her and Eve in LA.
"What are you doing?"
I jumped at the sound of her voice.
I whipped around to see Paige looking at me, standing in her pajamas with some of the messiest hair I've ever seen.
"Nothing," I replied. "Just getting a drink. Looking at your pictures."
"Did I wake you?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I just woke up a few minutes ago. When did you go to bed?"
She shrugged. "Eleven-ish."
"I'm sorry for falling asleep," I said, putting my face in my hands. "I didn't mean to. I know I do this every time we're together...but I'm just really tired. Always."
She smiled a bit, which was relieving. "It's okay. I'm happy to see you getting rest."
There was a silence between us, and I examined her as she examined her nails. I felt the sudden urge to tell her about Gemma and I. I don't know; it just came over me. I quickly suppressed it, but couldn't shake the weird feeling. The sudden urge to be honest.
"Why'd you get up?" I asked her.
"I just woke up for some reason. Maybe because you got up, I don't know," she said, looking around the room. "I just wanted to make sure you were here."
"Where would I go?" I asked her.
She shrugged. "Away."
"I don't want to be away," I told her, looking back at the pictures. "Especially not when I don't have to be."
She took the few steps forward it took to be next to me, then wrapped her arms around my torso. I pulled her closer and we just held each other for a moment.
"Things always feel a little off between us, you know? One of us always seems distant, and every time it feels like we're back on track, we spend two weeks apart just so that everything falls apart again. Things are never just...easy," she said,
I know exactly what she means. This is how it always is with me. This is how it was with Gemma, too. I leave and things get bad. I hate myself for it.
"I know," I said. "It does feel like that. But I don't know what the solution is."
"Me neither."
"Do you think things have fallen apart?" I asked her. I didn't feel that way, not really. If we disregard the Gemma situation, things are still perfectly on track. At least from my point of view.
"No. Not necessarily," she said. "I just...well, I don't know. I know I've been weird lately, so maybe I'm just feeling weird and that's all it is."
"Tell me why you've been feeling weird," I said. "Are you okay?"
She nodded. "Yeah. I don't know what's up with me, really. I've just been a little out of whack lately. It's nothing big, though."
I tried to believe her, but it was hard. It very much sounds like she's downplaying something here.
"You'd tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?" I asked.
"Of course I would," she said. "Nothing's wrong, though. Promise."
I decided to let it go.
"Got plans for tomorrow?" I asked.
"I was supposed to get lunch with a friend, but I'll reschedule," she replied.
"You don't have to do that. I'll stay here while you go."
"Shut up. I'm staying with you. I might lay in bed all day with you."
I smiled to myself. "I'd love that with my entire heart," I told her, because it's true. A whole day of unproductive Paige. Feels like a dream.
"I'd love anything with you, to be fair," I added. She rolled her eyes but smiled.
I leaned down to kiss her, and she kissed me, and I felt happy.
"Can we go back to bed now?" she asked, her big eyes looking into mine.
I nodded. "Yeah."
She smiled, and then we walked back into her room and got back into bed.
"I love you," she said as we lay there, our faces mere centimeters apart. "Even when things feel off between us."
"I love you, too," I replied. "Always."
And then we kissed once more before going back to our sleeping posture. Always. What does that even mean?
This feeling in my heart is so odd. It's so complicated. I feel so much love for Paige—I really do. I want her to be happy more than anything in the world. I want her to feel loved. I like the way I feel when I'm with her. I like the way she smiles at me and the way she holds my hand and the way that she can make me feel really loved. I love her so much. I could love her my whole life, I think.
But there's Gemma.
There's always Gemma.
I don't know how to fully love Paige because of Gemma. I don't know how to give everything to Paige because of Gemma. I only know what love feels like because of Gemma, and I'm afraid I'll never feel it as deeply with Paige as I did with her. And is that a way to live a life? I can't go on with the rest of my life constantly comparing how I'm feeling to how I felt with Gemma. It's unrealistic and unhealthy. But I don't know to stop.
I love her, too. God, I love Gemma. I love the way she made me feel. I love the way that she tried to give everything that she possibly could to our relationship, even when it took all she had. Even when it wasn't enough anymore. I love the way she let me in like she had never left anyone in before. I love the way she loved me for the real me. I love the way she made me believe in myself.
I can't believe I kissed her. And then I let her leave.
I didn't have any other choice, though. I knew perpetuating that would have only made it worse, and it wasn't fair at all to Paige. Plus, she had Jesse. And everyone seems to agree that they are very happy together and that she would not leave him. So it's fine.
I'm happy with Paige. I'm learning to get over the Gemma thing. I'm learning to live with the guilt. Even though I can't stop thinking about her, I'm getting over it. Or, I'm starting to. I think.
I hope.
---
the next day
gemma <<<
"Still nothing?"
"Nada," Edith replied. "Maybe he got it and didn't tell me."
"He would tell you, though, wouldn't he?" I asked.
"I don't know. Maybe he's keeping it to himself," she said. "Or Paige found it."
I sunk into the couch, feeling quite defeated. "Maybe she did. I don't think she could have found it first, though. I don't see why she would be involved in his mail."
"Unless he left it somewhere and didn't know your letter was in there or something," Edith suggested.
I felt myself starting to panic; my hand shook and my face felt hot and I felt like I couldn't breathe very well anymore.
"Could you possibly offer something more positive?" I asked. "I'm just...feeling overwhelmed."
"Yeah. Sorry," she replied. "Look, if Paige found it, they wouldn't be together anymore. We would know."
"Unless she doesn't want to break up with him over it," I said. "Maybe she feels like she can get over it."
"No way," Edith replied. "That's not Paige."
"But if she really loves him..."
"Would you stay?" she asked.
"I...I'd like to say no, but I don't know what I'd do. It's a lot easier said than done, you know," I replied. "Plus, I mean...we kissed. It was one night. We didn't fuck, and we didn't do it numerous times. We just...made out. It was one silly, emotion-filled mistake. I think I could be persuaded to stay."
"Really?" Edith asked. "You're the girl who's been acting like it's the biggest deal in the whole world, while I've been telling you what you just said!"
"I know, I know," I said. "I'm not saying it's good. At all. It's horrible and totally warrants a break up. I'm just saying that...if it was him, I'd probably stay."
"Well, you're lucky, because he'd never do it to you," she replied. "Because he's in love with you."
"I'm hanging up now," I told her. "Tell Gabby I love her."
"No! I was kidding," she said quickly. "We'll change the subject. How's Jesse?"
I felt my stomach sink.
"He's...you know what, if I'm honest, he's been sorta weird lately," I said.
"How?"
"I don't know. Just...he's been off. Doesn't really want to do that much stuff anymore. Doesn't answer my calls sometimes," I said.
"Oh, so he's just being you."
I rolled my eyes. She's very right, though. I hate myself even more than I did ten seconds ago.
"I guess," I said. "I don't know what happened. I mean, I guess I've been a little distant since the Shawn thing, but I've still been trying. I've been actively trying because I don't want the whole ordeal to tear us apart. But now that I'm trying, he doesn't want to try anymore."
"It's very unlike Jesse," Edith remarked. "I mean, he has sort of a knight-in-shining-armor vibe to him at all times. He tries, you know? It's weird for him to be distant."
"Correct," I said. "But I mean, he's still Jesse. He says the sweetest things and is very affectionate and still makes me feel good. It's just not the same."
"Not the same as what?"
"How he used to be."
"Used to be when?"
"Huh?"
"I mean, when did he change?"
"I don't know. It's been a few weeks, I'd say."
"Well, what could have triggered it?"
"The Shawn thing, I'm sure. I mean, even though he doesn't know what actually happened, he knows that we saw each other and then I came back acting all distant. Maybe he guessed. Or maybe just me being distant was enough. Or maybe the fact that I was with Shawn at all and didn't tell him was enough. I don't know."
"Yeah. All that makes a lot of sense, actually," Edith said. "I'm sure you'll get back to normal. He loves you."
"I guess," I said. "He's coming over in a little bit, which is exciting. It's raining, and it's dark, and the vibes are all right. It's going to be lovely, hopefully."
"Sounds very romantic," Edith replied. "I'm sure you can seduce him back to his normal self."
"I'm gonna try."
"Good. Well, I have to make dinner for my wonderful family now," she replied.
"Oh, to be a twenty-two year old housewife," I said longingly.
"I love it," she replied. "Wouldn't change it for the world."
"Can't blame you," I said. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"
"Yep. Love you, sis."
"Love you, too. Bye."
So we hung up, and I checked the time. 8:45. Jess will be here at nine, and we're going to have an amazing night. Positive mindset.
I should do my makeup.
I hurried to my room and did my makeup as fast as possible. I nailed my eyeliner on the first try and even applied some lip gloss.
I was wearing sweatpants and a cropped tank top, which is by no means a winning outfit, but I know Jesse will like it. There's something about having a full face of makeup while wearing sweatpants that just makes me feel cool, and I think he agrees. Also, my socks have cats on them, which is so quirky.
I waited patiently for his arrival, feeling quite nervous. If he's not in the mood to be all lovey dovey, my spirits will be completely crushed. But hopefully he will be. I need this. I need to stay right on track with Jesse, or else my mind will wander too much and things will end poorly. I need to focus on him.
It was 9:12 when the doorbell rang, and I felt relief flood through my body. I nervously made my way to the door and opened it.
"Hey, Gem," Jesse said with a smile. He put down the hood of his jacket, revealing his perfectly tousled hair, then unzipped it and took it off. I was transfixed watching him. I wanted to stand there and watch him take everything off.
"You look beautiful," he said, snapping me back into reality.
My heart skipped a beat. This is the Jesse I know and love.
"Thank you," I replied, letting him inside and shutting the door. "You don't look too bad yourself."
And I was right. Even in a hoodie and basketball shorts, he looked amazing. He just got here and I'm already thinking about fucking him. Great.
"I've missed you," he said, kissing my head.
"I've missed you more," I told him, which was probably true. "Everything about you."
"My dick, you mean."
"A little bit, maybe. But I was actually talking about your eyes, and your smile, and your kind heart."
He smirked. "Sure you were, Gemma," he said. "Look, I don't see the need for formalities. We can get straight to the point if you want."
"What's the point?" I asked, putting my hand on the back of his neck. I looked from his eyes to his lips while I gently grazed my fingernails over his skin, hoping to be affecting him in some way.
In one swift motion, he swept me off my feet, then carried me to my bedroom and laid me on my bed. I barely had time to readjust how I was laying before his body took over and his lips crashed into mine. I feel quite satisfied with the night so far.
"Take this off," I said, yanking on his hoodie impatiently. "All of it, actually. Now."
"So demanding," he muttered, pulling his hoodie over his head before coming back to my lips for more. I pulled off his shorts while he did, and he quickly took off his t-shirt. Hottest person alive award.
I peeled off my tank top and my sweatpants with ease. The insecurity I usually feel at this point was nowhere to be found for some reason, I guess because I'm just too excited to be nervous. Crazy. I like how it feels. It's something I haven't felt since Shawn.
Things were just about to get good when a phone started to ring.
"Leave it," I said, pulling him back down to me. He kissed me back, making me think he was really going to leave it, but then pulled away.
"I'm expecting a call, actually," he replied, getting off of me and out of bed.
"At 9:30?" I asked.
He didn't say anything. I watched him pull his shorts on and run to the living room to retrieve his phone.
I felt rather discouraged, but if it is an important call, then I understand. I got out of bed and put my clothes back on, then sat on my bed to try to listen to him.
"Hello? This is Jesse...Yeah...yeah...No, I get it...I totally understand...Definitely...Thank you so much for your time...Thank you...Goodbye."
Oh, shit. That didn't sound good.
He came back into my room after a couple more minutes, and I had no clue what to say. I don't even know what the call was about.
"Another job I didn't get," he said with a sigh. He sat on the edge of my bed. "Another waste of my time."
"Oh, Jess," I said, coming up behind him and wrapping my arms around torso. I leaned against him and he leaned back against me. "I'm sorry. I know it sucks right now, but the right thing will come along and it will all be worth it."
"I guess," he said. "I just...I thought this one went really well. And now it's like I don't even know what good is anymore. And I don't even know how to get better."
I felt horrible for him. I hate when he feels this way and I don't know what to do.
"I'm sorry, Jesse," I told him. "I wish I knew what to say. I think you're amazing, if it counts for anything. I'd hire you before you even opened your mouth."
He smiled just a little, but just a little was more than enough for me. "Thank you, Gemma."
"You're welcome," I told him.
"I'm sorry that I killed the mood. Just give me a few minutes and I'll...I'll be ready again," he said, getting up to leave the room.
"Hey," I said. He looked back at me. I patted my bed where he used to lay, asking him to sit down again. He reluctantly obeyed. I took his hand in mine.
"It's okay to be sad, Jesse Cooper," I said, brushing his hair back while looking him right in his eyes.
He looked away, then down at his hands for a minute. Then he looked at me with teary eyes, making my heart feel like it could burst.
"I think I'm sad, Gemma," he told me, and I watched a tear fall from his eye. My heart broke.
"Come here," I said, and I pulled him down to lay with me; Now I was holding him instead of him holding me, which is our usual. It feels weird to be the comforter and not the comforted, but I didn't mind at all. I ran my fingers through his hair, and he sniffled. I felt myself tearing up, too. Nothing in the world is worse than seeing him sad. He simply does not deserve sadness.
"This isn't how I typically handle rejection, by the way," he said after a few minutes. I chuckled.
"I know, Jess."
"It's just...there's a lot of stuff on my mind. Not just that stupid job. And sometimes it all just...gets to be too much, you know?" he explained.
I get that.
"I understand," I replied. "You can always talk to me, you know that, right?"
"Yeah," he said. "I know that."
I just ran my fingers through his hair for a while, hoping to calm him down a bit.
"I love you so much, Jesse," I told him.
That wasn't even something that I planned on saying. It just slipped out of my mouth before I could even think about it. It must be true then, right?
"I know, Gemma," he replied. "I don't even deserve it."
"Please never say that." It makes me feel horrible. "You deserve it in the biggest way."
"Okay," he said. "I love you so much, too. More than anything else."
My heart ached. How is there so much pain and love at the same time? How can I even take it?
"I'm sorry for crying," he told me. "I'm never that much of a baby."
"Crying is good for you," I replied. "Crying releases oxytocin and endorphins, Mr. Biochemist."
"That's not really a biochemistry thing," he said. "It's interesting, though. It does kinda feel good."
"You barely cried. You shed like, three tears. You need to sob for a good five minutes to really feel something," I told him. "That's when it gets good."
"How often do you sob?" he asked, sounding concerned.
"Once a week, maybe?" I said. "Maybe once every two weeks. Depends."
"I don't know if that's good for you."
"It is good! I just told you why," I said. "You're just jealous of all the endorphins I'm releasing."
"Yeah. That's what it is."
We stayed like that for a little while longer, because I just wanted to make sure he felt one hundred percent better. But I also wanted to get back to where we were before his phone rang.
"You know, just because you didn't get the job doesn't mean you can't get...something else," I said, but I couldn't finish the sentence without laughing, and he laughed, too.
"I almost want to say no just because of that sentence," he said. "But I'm very intrigued."
"As you should be," I said. He leaned in and kissed me, deepening it quickly. I fell back against the bed and he positioned himself on top of me again in an attempt to pick up where we left off.
"I'm pretty sure I asked you to take these off, Jesse Cooper," I said, taking the waistband of his shorts in between my fingers.
He laughed a little, and I laughed a little, and my heart felt as full as it could feel in my current situation. With all the emptiness I'm usually feeling, this feels like a very welcome change of scenery for me. Happy Jesse wanting to be with me is not something I've seen much of over the past few weeks. I've missed it.
"I love you," he whispered. "You're the most amazing person in this world, Gem."
I felt like I was getting stabbed in the heart.
"I love you, too, Jesse," I told him. I meant it with my whole being.
I can't give up on him, and I can't let him give up on me. I just can't.
---
a few days later
shawn >>>
paige
good morning!!! text me when you're up
me
i'm up now
me
good morning :))
paige
look at you getting an early start on the day
me
i didn't mean to. i just woke up and couldn't fall back asleep
me
not planning on getting out of bed anytime soon
paige
can't blame you. you need the rest anyway.
me
agreed
me
so what's up
paige
nothing really. i just wanted to talk about this weekend
me
what about it
paige
i can't come until saturday morning
me
noooooo
me
just kidding. it's ok. but why?
paige
mom and dad are hosting a dinner and forcing me to go
me
want me to come out instead? i don't mind being there for it
paige
no no it's ok. maybe i'll stay till monday to make up for it
me
that'd be nice
paige
agreed
paige
so what are your big plans for the day
me
nothing!
me
well i have to go to the studio later but just for a couple hours
me
then hanging out with connor and brad after
paige
sounds like a good day then
me
i'm very excited
paige
i'm so happy for you
paige
i wish i had the same good fortune
me
what do you have?
paige
i promised celeste i'd help her with wedding stuff
Paige's sister, Celeste, is getting married in like, November. I think. So it's all Paige hears about, and since she's not super close with her sisters, she doesn't love the whole thing. I think she should just suck it up, and most of the time she does, but she still likes to complain.
me
you poor thing
paige
shut up
paige
the good thing is that amelie is bringing charlotte. i'm just going to spend all my time with her
Charlotte is Paige's niece. She's still a baby, but I think she's walking? I don't know where the lines are drawn or anything, but she's a baby. I have no idea how old. Not a newborn. She's very cute, and is the best part about Paige's family gatherings.
me
well at least you have that going for you
paige
yeahhh
paige
alright, well i won't bother you anymore. you get your rest.
paige
i love youuu
me
for the record, you're not bothering me. i am gonna lay back down, though.
me
love you too
It sucks that she's not coming until Saturday, but it's not the end of the world. I wonder if her parents really are forcing her to go to dinner, or if that's a coverup for something else. I just find it hard to believe that her parents would force her to stay for dinner and that Paige would let them force her. The Paige I know would just say "no" and then leave. Why would she lie, though?
I tried not to think about the possibility that she'd be lying to me for some bad reason and attempted to fall asleep again. Luckily, I was exhausted as hell and sleep came easily again.
Dreaming of her comes even more easily. And unfortunately, by "her," I mean Gemma.
(a.k.a. not my girlfriend)
She looks stunning. Stunning is such an understatement, actually. I honestly hate myself for saying it, because it doesn't give her enough credit in the slightest.
Her dress was perfect. It fit her just the way it needed to, and she looked amazing. It was simple yet elegant; it was understated while still being the most beautiful dress I'd ever seen. The most Gemma dress I'd ever seen. The lace on the sleeves made her look too delicate for me to even touch.
There were so many other elements—hair, makeup, nails—that deserve to be commented on, but the only thing I can really be bothered to see is her big brown eyes looking right at me and no one else. I saw tears glistening in them, somehow making them even more beautiful. She flashed me the brightest smile. She looked perfect. Absolutely perfect. She's too beautiful for me to even comprehend, and she's too amazing of a person for me to ever deserve, and the fact that she loves me is just...insane. And she's here, and she wants to be with me. I can't believe how lucky I am.
I watched her wipe away a tear, and I felt tears filling my own eyes. I tried to push them down and act like they weren't happening, but they were, and she noticed. Maybe no one else did, but she did. She smiled and I smiled and I felt like she and I were the only people there.
When she made it to where I was standing, I watched her hug her dad tightly. He said something to her that I couldn't hear, and she nodded, saying something back to him. It must be a weird feeling, watching your daughter get married. I just hope that it's a good kind of weird.
He extended his hand to me, and I took it and shook it.
"Thank you," I said, not knowing what else to say. 'Thank you for being the only living responsible party for the source of my happiness' would be a bit much, I think.
"Thank you," he replied, which made me feel good. Like he thinks I'm good for her.
Finally, I had her where I wanted her since the day I met her. We looked at each other for a moment before even moving, just to take it in. She grinned, making my heart feel so full.
I held out my hand for her to take, and she did. The moment our hands touched, everything went black.
Suddenly, I wasn't there anymore.
Well, I was still there. But I wasn't standing with Gemma anymore. I was sitting in a chair as if I were a guest. A guest at my own wedding.
I looked up at where Gemma was. She wasn't there anymore, either.
Suddenly, music started playing, and everyone else stood up. I did, too, just to blend in. I'm beyond confused.
Then I saw Gemma again. Wearing that same gorgeous, white dress, arm-in-arm with her dad, and a big smile on her face. She was looking at someone like she had looked at me before.
I looked to the front of the room.
Jesse Cooper stood there. Where I was just standing.
He was crying—not just tearing up, but real-life crying—and when I looked back at Gemma, she was crying, too. I felt like crying.
There was a moment where Gemma walked right past me. I tried to meet her eyes, but she didn't try to meet mine. I wonder if she even noticed my presence. Was I invited to this?
She made it up to Jesse, hugged her dad, and took his hand. Except they just carried on from there. Lucky.
On my left was a man I'd never seen before. I wonder if he's a relative of Jesse's. Although, it's foolish of me to assume I know everyone Gemma invited. I haven't been in her life for a while.
The seat next to me was empty, as if I was supposed to have brought someone with me. I wonder why I didn't.
I watched the entire ceremony. I paid more attention than I've ever paid to anything in my entire life, trying to read their body language. Maybe I could see that something was off. Something between them was shaky. Something to convince me that she wanted me up there instead.
But, alas. Nothing. They were perfect. They looked perfect together. She seemed so comfortable with him, and he seemed like he really cared about her. It made me sick.
Thankfully, they didn't write their own vows. I remember Gemma telling me that she would feel weird reading her vows to me in front of everyone, because she feels like it's too personal and she'd prefer to read them to me in private. I thought that was fair enough, but also that it was shame no one would hear how beautifully she could write. She just shrugged.
I guess Jesse was fine with it, too. He seems fine with everything, actually. Sort of like I was. Ready to agree with whatever she says and like whatever she likes just so she thinks I'm cool and smart like her. It feels stupid to say, but I did that our entire relationship. I never stopped being totally whipped.
I felt like vomiting when I heard the words "you may now kiss the bride," but I didn't. I watched him kiss her. I watched her kiss him. I watched them grin at each other when they separated, and then watched him go in for one more. I'd do the same. Once is never enough with her.
Thank God that's over. I don't even know why I came. Alone, at that. Where's Paige?
"Hey! I didn't know you were coming."
I turned around to see Brad.
"Me neither," I said. "Was I here the whole time?"
He gave me a concerned look. "What do you mean?"
"Like...nothing weird happened during that, right? It was just a normal ceremony?" I asked.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "Look, I know this is a tough day for you. Don't feel like you have to put on a good face or anything."
"I'm perfectly fine," I said dismissively. "I don't care that she married him. Can you just answer my question?"
"No, nothing weird happened, Shawn. It was completely normal," Brad told me.
I felt relieved and disappointed at the same time.
"What do you think about all of this?" I asked him.
He shrugged. "I'm happy for her if she's happy. And she seems quite happy."
I wanted to roll my eyes, but didn't.
"Yeah," I said. "What's he like? I mean, from your interaction with him."
"He's cool. Kinda shy, but really fun when he opens up a bit. Super funny," he answered. "He and Gemma are actually really good together. He gets her, which is not always a given."
I got her first. She used to be mine to "get." Everything he does, I did it first. Except for marrying her, I suppose, but I would have gotten there if she had let me. I wish I would have gotten there.
It hurts. It physically hurts, how much I want to be with her.
"That's good," I said, though I'm not sure I convinced him that I meant it. "Can I leave?"
He gave me a weird look. "I mean, yeah. If you want."
I nodded. "Good. I'll see you around."
I left the building and walked outside. The warm air felt heavenly. I recognized lots of Gemma's family members, but I didn't want to talk to them. I'm sure they didn't want to talk to me.
I was searching for my car, which I'm sure I drove here, when I suddenly felt dizzy. All of a sudden, everything went black again.
I woke up in a hospital room. I wasn't the patient, however. It was Gemma. I felt myself start to panic at the sight of her in a hospital bed. What is going on here?
But when I actually looked at her, I realized that it wasn't just her in the bed. She was holding a baby. A newborn baby. Her baby? Our baby?
I suddenly could not breathe.
"Come here," she said softly, and I looked around to make sure she was speaking to me. She was; I was the only other person in the room.
I stood up and went to her bedside, kneeling next to her.
"Isn't she perfect?" she asked, talking about the baby. A girl. I was already thinking about how perfect she is. Everything about her is perfect. Everything about this moment is perfect, and I just got here.
"Yeah," I replied, not knowing how to put my thoughts into words. "She's...she's amazing."
"And she's all ours," Gemma said, looking at me. Then she laughed, so I laughed, and she kissed me. Woah. I forgot how good that was.
"I love you," I said, the words just slipping out of my mouth. I meant it completely.
"I love you more," she replied, smiling at me. "Please stay. Always."
"I will," I said. I meant that, too. "You've given me everything that I've ever wanted. Why would I ever leave?"
She kissed me again and again and a couple more times. I was about to ask her if she needed me to get her anything when everything went black once again.
Hey. I really liked that one.
When my eyes started working again, I was in the hospital again. But I was looking through a window at the room I was just in. Like a creep. Gemma was in the bed again. But Jesse was kneeling at her side now. Of course he is.
I squinted to get a better look. She was still holding a baby for sure. That's all I could really tell.
Gemma looked equally pleased with Jesse as she was with me. He was stroking her arm and saying stuff to her that I couldn't hear.
"I want to go home," I heard her say to him.
"Tomorrow," he replied gingerly. "You just need to get a good night's sleep tonight."
What is home? Do they live together? Am I in New York? A quick glance out the window told me yes. It was dark. And snowing.
"As if," she replied. Then she looked back down at the baby. "She needs a name, you know. She's six hours old and nameless. It's embarrassing."
Jesse laughed a little. I felt myself smiling, too.
"I don't care. Whatever you want to call her, I'll call her," he said.
Sarah. She wants to name her Sarah, after her mom. All you have to do is suggest it, Jesse Cooper, and she'll hold you in the highest esteem.
"It's a group decision," Gemma said. "The only reason we don't already have a name picked out is because you insisted that she was going to be a boy."
He laughed again. It makes me sick, the fact that she makes him laugh. He gets to hear all
of her jokes. Does he even know how lucky he is?
"I honestly was sure of it," he said.
"And look how wrong you were," she replied, looking at the baby again. "She's the most beautiful girl in the world."
"After you, of course," he said. I almost vomited, but I would have said that same, stupid thing if I'm honest.
She rolled her eyes. "Do you ever take a day off?"
"Nope," he said, kissing her cheek. "Not with you."
She looked at him and smiled. She looked like she loved him a lot. It hurt.
"I love you, Jesse," she told him.
"I love you, too, Gem," he replied.
Everything went black again.
I bolted upright in bed. My heart was racing, and I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Chill out. You're fine. Everything was just a dream.
Everything was a dream.
I went to Gemma's Instagram. Sure enough, she didn't get married or have a baby. Thank God.
I put my face in my hands, trying to get this stupid feeling out of my body.
"How are you still fucking me up, Gemma Clark?" I yelled, throwing a pillow off my bed and at the wall. The force led to a framed picture falling off the wall and onto the floor, shattering the glass and making my night so much worse.
I got up. It was a picture of my family that my mom sent me a few years ago. Now I need a new frame.
I got a broom to clean up the broken glass, but when I came back to sweep it up, I noticed a folded up piece of paper on the floor.
What the hell?
I picked it up and opened it, so scared that it would be what I thought it was. The thought of reading something from her—something new that I haven't read before—made my heart start racing all over again. My hands were shaking as I unfolded it.
hi there. it's me. gemma. the self-proclaimed love of your life.
i'm planning on hiding this somewhere you'll never find it. or, it'll take you at least like, a few years. hopefully like, ten. it'll be fun if you do find it eventually, you know? maybe we'll be married or something. maybe we'll be vengeful enemies. maybe i'll be dead. who knows what time could bring.
anyway. since i plan on this being hidden for a long time, let me remind Future You where we're currently at in this relationship.
we've been dating for a little over a year now, and not to sound like a loser, but i am so fucking in love with you. more than i ever thought i could be. it's crazy, because every day with you feels so ordinary and normal now because it's been so long, but at the same time, every day feels so extraordinary, because it's so crazy that i get to feel this way. it's even crazier that you feel that way about me.
i'm actually in this mood right now because of the note you left me this morning. it literally made my entire day, and it's barely eleven a.m. it said, and i quote:
"thank you for last night. i've had a horrible week and i've been in a horrible mood (and i've been a horrible boyfriend) but you just know how to make everything feel ok again. and you never get mad at me because of it—you always understand, and you always do what you can to make it better. and you make it so much fucking better, gemma. so much better. coming home to you immediately makes me feel at peace. it's easy with you. when everything else is so complicated, it's easy with you, and i know i'm unbelievably lucky to have you.
i know this was cringey, but i felt like i had to say something. you deserve to know that you're never unappreciated. not by me, at least. i love you a lot. like...a LOT. and i'm going to be better for you! that's a promise.
counting down the minutes until i see you.
4,599 :(
love you, clark."
I just thought that was incredibly sweet, and...i don't know. it's just one of those mornings where i wake up in awe of the way i feel because of you. the way i'm lucky enough to feel. you know?
i know we're trying to cut down on the lovey dovey cringe fest, but sometimes i can't help myself. kind of like when you come home from some fancy event still wearing a suit and you look so fucking hot. i just sorta lose control.
plus, you started it with that note. that was cute as hell. let me have this.
i hope you're doing really well whenever you read this. i hope you're healthy and happy and espoused to me. kidding about the last one. i mean, that'd be nice, but there's no rush. unless you read this in like, ten years and we're still not married. i do want you to pull the trigger at some point. or else i'll do it. don't put it past me to propose to you btw. i'll do it.
this will be awkward to find if we break up. i don't really see that happening, but hey, who knows? i'm sure i'll fuck something up. if you're reading this and i fucked everything up, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to hurt you. i just have a brain that is so horrible at being my brain. you should call me. i'm sure i'm still in love with you.
okay. hopefully we won't have to cross that bridge. hopefully you and i are laughing about that paragraph right now. (and hopefully we're wearing wedding rings)
hahahaha im kidding again!!!! marriage is a social construct anyway.
okay, i need to get out of bed and get on with my life. i love you, future you. no matter what happens, i'm sure that i love you right now. i hope you're sure that you love me, too.
yours forever,
gem
The fucked up thing is that I am sure that I love her right now.
But I don't think she actually feels the same way. I certainly don't think she's still in love with me.
She lied.
---
hey!! AHHHHH WOW I NEVER UPDATE LOL sorry about it. i literally don't have the time. hope this long chapter somewhat makes up for it 👉👈
hope everyone is doing well. i am! life is busy and im always tired, but im enjoying where im at right now, which is all i can really ask for. ready for the world to go back to normal, but i don't think it's going to for a long time.
if you actually read to this point after another very overdue chapter, you're a champ. please comment so that i can thank you directly.
➡️ what's the jam??
i've been listening to wallows lately. just good vibes. i really like "fake" by conan gray and lauv, too. i also love "a little bit yours" by jp saxe and HIGHLY recommend it.
hope everyone is doing well! thank you for reading <3
xx-maggie