SURPRISE BABIES!!!!I MISSED YOU GUYS A LOT
Ek nazar on the picture 👆...fir shuru karte hain!!!
Before i begin, a quick word.
I have two books going on right now and i post on them alternatively. So in case you read this one only and think oh...she didn't promote Sana's song.
I posted on the other book that day,hence it went there.
And on sidharth's release, this book's update was due hence i posted it here.
I won't always post the links but i want you all to stream all the three songs equally, like I've been doing religiously.
And when Bhula dunga hits 100 M,may be we can rest for a while.
After the live.....you owe it to them.They are one the most fans concerned celebs I've seen.They read your comments, they read you tweets, they watch your every move.
For god sake do not embarrass yourself and them by doing or saying something stupid.
And remember BHULA DUNGA needs to hit 100 million asap!!!
To all those who struggle from addiction or are related to such people. Please know that you are not alone. I want you all to know that you deserve every bit of peace and loving as the others and seeking help won't make you less of a person, there is nothing wrong in admitting that something has more power over you than it should have...and i don't necessarily mean substance, it could be a person,a relationship, a trait you're addicted to.
Please listen to the ones that love you,it is difficult on them as well.
It goes for both who suffer from addiction and those who deal with the ones suffering from it. They need help too....traumas can be both firsthand or second hand experiences. So to all those suffering i would say...
Do it for the ones you love if not for you,talk to someone and SEEK HELP.
Happy reading babies
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Sidharth was lying on his bed thinking how his life was in shambles because of something he didn't even realize was going to be problem.
More often that not we try to push other people's concern away on the basis of whether or not we consider that reason a problem ourselves.
How?
Let me give you guys another valuable piece of advice today.
Sana was concerned about the drinking because she has been through an incident where it caused her problems however big or small.
But sidharth had no such reference in his life where him being drunk caused any problem.Right?
So when sana says that he should not drink,for her its a big deal but for sidharth it was her being a nag and nothing else.
This is where we are lacking as humans.We try to compare traumas and concerns and if they don't fit in our definitions we will go ahead and call a person crazy for having such concerns .
Classic example would be someone being depressed or sad over losing something they loved which was materialistic. People will legit go and tell them how ungrateful they are being because there are people who don't have food and are dying without water.
They will make you feel bad about feeling bad.
Someone who drowns in 7ft of water is as dead as someone who drowns in 4ft of water.STOP COMPARING TRAUMAS BASED ON YOUR PERSONAL EXPERIENCES.
WE ALL DESERVE TO HEAL!!!
Well,sidharth was feeling the repercussions of not paying attention to the kind of people he was with.
He remembers sana telling him time and again that she doesn't feel good about the people that drag him every now and then to clubs.
He always played it off,because of the same old statement
"JAB AAJ TAK NHI KUCH HUA TOH AAJ KYA HOGA"
This was so sad really but what is even worse than this,sana was not picking his single call.
She wasn't responding to his texts either and no interview or project was being signed by her right now.
Kaushal and all the family knows something happened but neither sana or sidharth are ready to talk about it.
It is their first anniversary in two days from now.
Sidharth wants to be there but is this a possibility with her not even talking at all to him?
Sana on the other hand, was hurting so much.
She was in constant pain mentally and physically.
Nothing seemed to help.And she wasn't even trying.
She was in Punjab from last one week and avoiding all questions related to sidharth.
Shehbaaz was the only one who knew what was going on but sidharth was the one who told him.
He was mad at sidharth ofcourse but he was reasonably mad and assured him once his sister forgives him,he will be okay.
Sidharth wanted to talk to sana before he packs his bags and leaves for home.
But he was so scared of the confrontation.
Mostly because he was afraid of seeing the hurt all over again in eyes of shehnaaz,to know that you are the reason of someone's disappointment is not a great feeling.
They have so much to talk right now.
He texted sana once more...this was a routine now.
Sid-"I am apologizing for 100th time shehnaaz, i am sorry,i know you're hurt but i need to talk to you..please call me once and i promise i will do anything to make it upto you"
He closed his eyes and tried to think about anything but the plane ticket for tomorrow.
He wants to go but if she wouldn't want to talk just yet,he didn't wanna be pestering her.
Sana was in Punjab locked yet again in her room.
Her father was busy campaigning and dada and dadi have gone to stay with chachi for few days.
She saw her phone lightening up and she didn't need to see it,to know who was texting her.
She wasn't ready yet.She was ready to talk to him about their marriage and problems ofcourse but she wasn't ready to see his face.
She knew sidharth was planning to come back home and if she replies,she will have to make that decision for him and she didn't wanna do just that.
He will do what he wants to do.Nomore she will make him do things because she wants him to do them.
She wants him to fight for it this time.
Sana went on her Instagram and posted a quote and then switched her phone off again.
Wo ye keh nahi rahi hai par dar to usey bhi hai k ye jldi shadi kahin galat decision sabit na ho gya ho.
Ho skta hai wo galat ho lekin is sb se nikalne ka koi raasta bhi toh nazar nahi aaraha.
She wants them to work but not at the cost of either of their peace.
Aise rishte ka kya fayda jahan dono ko man maarna pdh raha hai.
Pyar hai toh khushi bhi honi chahiye na....IF IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY,ITS NOT LOVE!!!
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Sidharth was done with his shoot and it was the night he had his flight booked to India.
He was about to call his mom when shehbaaz called him.
Sid-Hello,han bhai.
Baaz-Bhai sun free hai abhi?Baat karni thi.
Sid-Han bol na yar.
Baaz-Yar wo tu aa raha hai kya?Teri flight thi aaj ki ,hai na.
Sid-Hai toh,par samaj ni aaraha, aaun ya nahi.
Baaz-Kya mtlb?
Sid-Sana abhi bhi mera phone ni utha rahi yar.
Baaz-Janta hun.
Sid-Fir tu hi bta de kya karun...mujhe toh kuch smj ni aa raha.
Baaz-Mujhe lgta tha tu thoda akalmand hai,par tu bezatti kra ra hai ab.Wo baat nahi karna chah ri toh tune konse darwaze tode bhai?Udr baith ke text kar raha hai...yahi pyar hai bas?
Sid-Baat toh aise karega jaise saara experience tujhe hi hai.
Baaz-Bhai...100 bar block ho chuke hain apni zindagi mein,ldkiyan fake ids se darne lgi thi itne poond aashiq they hum...shukar mna kiran aagyi life mein..warna main toh andar hi ho jata pkka.
Sid-Kya yar kuch bhi,geniunely bta na what do you think i should do.I feel so frustrated yar.
Baaz-I know,par soch jab sana bina baat ke naraz ho jati hai toh ab toh kafi bdi wjh hai uske paas.
Sid knew he was right.
Sid-Toh fir i should not give her space?
Baaz-Isse Zyada di toh uska naam sana se satellite rakhna pdega.
Tujhe pta hai saara din kamre mein baith ke kaler kanth sunti rehti hai.
Bhai aur sad songs ni bardasht hote merese.
Main maanta hun tere se glti hogyi lekin dikkat toh phle se hi aari thi na...toh usko theek kar na bhai.
Fight for her,is din ke liye thodi mere se leke gya tha k wo andar band rahe aur tu udr.
That woke something up in sidharth and he finally decided that he will go to see sana on their anniversary.
And if she won't want to do anything with him,he will sit there with her mom and dad until she caves out and decided she is ready to talk.
In a way sidharth was embarrassed to meet her parents as well.
Its not like he committed a blunder but the amount of hurt it caused sana was not a joke.
And sidharth doesn't wanna answer questions that sana was not answering.
He will have to either lie or tell them the truth out of politeness.
Both the situations are not good for him.
But then again,owning the fuck ups is a major part of being with someone and he has to do it someday.
So why not get it over with right now.
Sidharth made a few arrangements and packed his bags to go to the airport.
He will go to India and he will get his wife back one way or another.
However long it takes!!!
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Sana was inside her room playing 2am at 2pm and not giving a fuck that this song has nothing to do with her situation.
Its just a sad song.
How weird is it...we listen to sad songs when we are sad very well knowing that they won't ever make us feel better.
So right now sana was listening to it and thinking about how in 2 days is their wedding anniversary.
And as soon as that one line about alcohol came in the song,sana bawled her eyes out.She went through all of that again.
That year worth of emotional abuse.
People don't consider mental or emotional abuse that serious because apparently it doesn't shows physically and you can't see the scars.
But people often forget that mental and emotional abuse scars a person from deep within,and these scars sometimes take forever to heal.
You cannot explain them or show them but they're there.
Sana wiped her tears and went through her socials again.
So many texts from sidharth.
She has blocked him everywhere.
Except Twitter and Instagram, because she didn't want people to know about their issues.
Well people were speculating a lot of things.But none of them were serious enough to worry.
Or may be they were but sana is so busy inside her head that it doesn't matter to her.Nothing matters to her.
She closes her eyes and that scene flashes again.
She cursed herself and walked around the room. She will to eventually have to tell them what is going on.But what do you say when you also have no idea.
Are they done?Will she ever be able to forget this?Will sidharth and sana be able to discuss the issues in their marriage?Or this will be another one of fuck it and forget it kind of reunion.
She wanted to hear his voice too but sana wants to be prepared first.She wants to be absolutely certain of the real issues at hand and then she will confront him about what actually bothers her in their marriage and she will listen to what sidharth has to say to this.
She was about to go outside when she heard her mom and masi talking about her.
Sana knew all of them were worried but she didn't wanna answer questions anymore.
She wanted to be sad in peace. She is hurting and she is allowed to be unreasonable.
Sana laid back down on her bed and decided to watch their wedding video.
Jeez what a fucking bad idea,she was a crying mess and she wasn't even 20 minutes into it.
She kept trying to wipe her tears but they were flowing continuously.
Sana wanted to go back in that video.She looked so geniunely happy right now.
Everyone she loved was smiling and not to forget the moments sidharth and her shared on the stage along with cousins and their hand holding moments during pheras.
Sana watched the pheras and was reminded of the promises she and sidharth made.
Wow...some commitment.So their forever lasted a year...good to know.
She switched it off and texted her brother from upstairs that she won't be having dinner tonight and no one should bother her.
Shehbaaz wasn't happy but he knows how she can be.So he typed an okay and went to sit with his mom.
His mom bombarded him with questions as usual but he wasn't giving anything away.
She tried to emotional blackmail him as well but all shehbaaz said was
"Sidharth ke paas time ni hota, ye tang hogyi hai kbse kaam mein busy hai...toh rest karne aai hai mummy...tussi da sana de magar hi pae ge o"
They argued and once more shehbaaz was able to convince his mother otherwise.
He was getting tired to being the only one in middle of this and actually wanted eveything to be sorted.
Shehbaaz is praying for sidharth to come and get her.He knows her sister.She won't go back unless he begs for her to come back.
He wants sidharth to prove her wrong about him keeping himself above their relationship.
Shehbaaz went to sleep praying the exact same thing his sister was.
"For god to show them the light"
*Next Day*
Sidharth was right now with his mom in Mumbai.
He was trying to talk to her but she was too busy busting his balls.
Maa-Sidharth mujhe koi lena dena nahi hai k galti kiski thi...gudiya naraz hoke ghar gyi hai aur tu yahan baitha bakwas kar raha hai....i don't want to hear the reasons. Tu meri ldki ko wapis leke aa chup chap.
Sid-Yar maa meri baat to suna its not that simple.
Maa-And what exactly was simple in your relationship?Sidharth we have to fight for things that we love warna toh sb baten hai beta.
Sid-But usko bhi toh decision sahi lage..i don't want her to listen to me or come back because she is obligated kyunki wo meri wife hai.
I want her to make a choice mom.I want her to choose me.
Maa-Sach sach btana..was your anger one of the reasons?
Sid closed his eyes and the moment he left her in the hotel room flashed in front of his eyes.
He nodded his head.
His mother looked at him,smiled and said-
Krodhādbhavati sammohaḥ sammohātsmṛtivibhramaḥ।
smṛtibhraṃśād buddhināśo buddhināśātpraṇaśyati॥
क्रोध से उत्पन्न होता है मोह और मोह से स्मृति विभ्रम। स्मृति के भ्रमित होने पर बुद्धि का नाश होता है
और बुद्धि के नाश होने से वह मनुष्य नष्ट हो जाता है।
From anger there comes delusion; from delusion, the loss of memory; from the loss of memory,
the destruction of discrimination; and with the destruction of discrimination, he is lost!!!
SHRIMAD BHAGWAT GEETA-CH.2,VERSE 63!
Sidharth sat silently soaking in what she just said.
Maa-Acha chal theek hai,fir ye bta. Tune usko ye choice di hai?
Sid-Han?
Maa-Mera mtlb does she knows she has two options?
Sid-She hasn't responded to any of my texts.
Maa-So she is trying to avoid you because she thinks she will have to face the fear?
Sid-I guess so.
Maa-Did you even try telling her that she absolutely not talk about what is your fate and just let you apologize for whatever you have done.
Sid-How do you know,k maine hi kuch kiya hai.
Maa*smiling*Because if it was her fault tu abhi tak wahan jaake usey laa chuka hota sidharth.
Isliye plz tell her that you want to say sorry and then you will leave if she doesn't want to talk.
Sid-Par wo kahin pressurize feel na kare maa.
Maa-Tere se shadi ki hai beta,thodi saza toh milegi hi na usey😜
Chal ab mera acha bacha....khana kha.
Fir 8-10hrs deep sleep kar.
Fir ready ho kal subah aur seedha punjab jaake meri bahu ko ghar leke aa.
Sid smiled and hugged her tightly.
He has a gift for her already. He was hoping he could give it to her in person though and also try and apologize properly instead of sliding a letter through her door because she is too stubborn to open the door for him,even when he will be standing outside her door.
She can do that,the only woman on the planet jiske liye sidharth shukla darwaze ke bahar haath bandh ke khda rehta hai.
Tomorrow has to be better than this...this was the only thought going through his mind when he went to eat and decided to sleep the worries away.
*1ST ANNIVERSARY*
Kaushal was trying to ask sana if she was going to post something or he should for her.And so far none of her replies have been conclusive.
Sana-Yar pta ni...kar de tu.
Kaushal-Chal theek hai mujhe bhej de choose karke kya upload karna hai.
Sana-Ye maine karna hai fir post bhi main hi kar deti hun.
Kaushal-Sana...kbse yahi kar ri hai yar...bol na,agar tune nahi karna toh main kar deta hun.
Sana-Nahi rehne de main kar deti hun khud.
He sighed and said
"Fine"
Sana disconnected and went on her ig to post something but what greeted her there was sidharth's anniversary post.
"Saal badalte hain ,haal toh ab bhi waisa hi hai biwi😍.
The only woman i want to stare at forever ❤
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY GADHI.....FIRST OF THE MANY TO COME!!!
She cried at once when she read that.
She knows for a fact sidharth posted this because kaushal would've told her of he had posted it.
Sana wiped her tears and was trying to find something to post as well but her hands were shaking.
His post really did a number on her.
Kehte hain jab kuch samaj na aaye,toh sb uparwale pe chod dena chahiye. Toh sana ne socha ke ek drive pe jaate hain to clear her head and ofcourse to feel less shitty than she does right now.
Toh sana ne exactly wahi kiya jo wo soch rahi thi.
She walked out that door for first time in three days and went straight into the car.
Shehbaaz was shouting and asking her where was she going but sana just texted him
"Bahut shor hai,shanti mein ja ri hun"
Shehbaaz was confused and he came back inside.
And sana drove in full speed to the place that can help her understand these emotions she was going through.
Shehbaaz was still staring at her text and wondering if she will go and meet ashish bhai.
She was saying this all the time was in punjab last time that she wants to be with champ.She missed him a lot.
So shehbaaz was relaxed now and he decided to not bother her anymore.
She knows what is best for her and he knows in his heart,its her decision to make❤
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Sidharth was about to enter Sana's place and he was terrified of how it will go down.Itna nervous wo first time milte waqt bhi nahi hua hoga jitna wo abhi hai.
He knows they don't know much about anything but still the fact that their daughter is upset about something i did is pretty bad shape of things.
He rang the door bell and waited for someone to open it.
And sidharth was greeted by shehbaaz.
He hugged him and baaz welcomed him inside.
Sid-Aur bhai,kya haal hain tere.
Baaz-Tere se theek hain,ye bta deta hun.
Baaz tried to make a joke but sidharth's face immediately changed colour.
Baaz-Oh kuch ni hota yar ,zyada tension na le.
He walked inside and was immediately hugged by his mother in law.
Sid hugged and back and touched her feet to take blessings.
Maa-Jeete raho,khush raho betaji.Aao aao,shehbaaz tu bta ni skta tha khothey,main bna ke rakhti kuch.
Sid-Nahi maa kya aap formality kar rahe ho,baitho na please.
She sat and after the courteous conversation came the question he was dreading the most.
Maa-Puttar ji sana nu ki hoya ae?Jabse aai hai koi baat ni karti ,na bahar aati hai.Koi ldai hui hai kya aap dono ki?
Sid was almost ashamed to face her right now.Its not about what he has done,the guilt is coming from the worry on her mother's face.Sidharth had promised them about keeping their daughter happy but he is failing at it.
He is not happy about the fact that he can't tell them the depth of it all either.Sidharth is not here to ask them to pick sides or do him a favour.
He geniunely wants to take his wife home with him and that will take lots of discussing the real talk.
So he said something very practical yet not to revealing of their current situation.
Sid-Maa wo maine hi gussa dila diya tha ,kaam ka pressure waqt bhi ni de pa raha tha toh meri glti se hi pareshan hoke idr aagyi hai.
Her mother just smiled and nodded.
Maa-Main kya bolun puttar ji,iske papa toh roz gltiyan karte hain par mani aaj tak ek bhi nahi,kam se kam aapne bola toh k aapki glti hui toh wo naaraz hai.
Sid smiled and asked finally
"Waise sana hai kahan"?
Baaz-Bhai thodi der phle gaadi utha k ghoomne nikal gyi hai kehti shor hai bda,shanti chahiye.
Sid-Oh okay,chal fir main wait karta hun uska.
They offered sidharth food but he wasn't in the mood.So sidharth took the glass of juice and went upstairs directly to her room.
Sidharth opened it to see her dupatta lying on the bed.
He kept the bag aside and very gently touched it.As if he was scared of it.
The moment sidharth inhaled her scent and warmth, he choked on his tears.
Its so unfair that life will throw such things in your way where you can't do much but sit and pray for it all to pass and even then there is a risk of you never going back to be the same you used to be.
He laid down on the bed with the dupatta wrapped around his hand and waited for her to come back so that he can ask her for forgiveness and also so that he can take her home.
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It was now evening and sun was setting. Everyone was frantically trying sana but she wasn't receiving calls right now.
They were all getting worried now,she is a celebrity. Her being out all alone to god knows where can create a chaos and sana is scared of large crowds gathering around her,they all know that.
She panics if she can't see an exit anytime the people surround her.
Sidharth was watching shehbaaz and her mother both calling her friends and relatives to ask if she was with them but it was the same answer everytime.
Patience was running out on sidharth. Its their anniversary and this is not how it should end.
She should be with him.
Fighting and abusing but with him.
What is even the point of all this pain and trouble if they can't be together right now.
Sidharth closed her eyes and kept thinking about where can she possibly go to feel better and avoid eveyone.
And it struck him at once.He stood up and asked shehbaaz for the keys.
As soon as he got them,sidharth left the place to go get his wife.
He should have guessed it at once but it took him some time.
Anyways better late than never.He was driving full speed ahead to meet her and hopefully tell her how much she means to him.
And even though somethings never change and they never will but he is willing to work on everything that makes her feel unhappy when they are together.
And sidharth is hoping to voice out his concerns regarding her as well.
He wants to tell her what she needs to work on in order for him to be comfortable and relaxed around her.
Because too much expectations were also not doing them any favours.
The kind of emotions he was projecting he wanted them to be at the receiving end of them but no if it meant pain for her.
Voicing out discomfort without insulting each other is all about communicating and they still need to work on that a little bit.
So while going to get her, sidharth is just praying to the God that she will be on the same page as him,which means she would also want us to work our way through all these past incidents.
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Sana was on the floor right now, face covered with a scarf and head hanging low.
She was here from last 2 hrs,she was serving in the kitchen earlier...She washed utensils and peeled garlic for a while and then she just sat inside where the kirtan was going on.She doesn't remember when or how she got here for that matter.
But hiding her identity wasn't easy at all....luckily she has done this enough times.
It was almost dark now.
Sana was in the most basic suit she could find and that scarf or dupatta you can say was covering all of her face as if she was following some sort of tradition...well it was see through so walking won't be a problem in a place where she has been over 100 times.
She has been constantly crying and listening to the verbal chanting and feeling herself calm down bit by bit.
When you come to a place like this in self doubt, the most amazing thing can happen.
You will be doubting everything in existence and then suddenly hear someone singing, that you are created by him,sent here to do good deeds and merge back into him again and it hits you.
"ANYTHING THAT WAS CREATED BY THE SUPREME CANNOT BE USELESS,IT CAN'T BE WORTHLESS.YOU ARE SENT HERE FOR A PURPOSE AND IF YOU ARE STILL ALIVE...ITS DEFINITELY NOT OVER"
Sana wiped her tears and decided to let it all go and transfer the power to him.
She bent down and started praying still all tears and begging God in her head.
She cried and said in her mind
"Main bahut cheezon se guzri hun babji,aapne har cheez se haath pkd ke nikala hai,jab bhi aisa lgta tha k bas ab sb khtm hogya..iske aage kuch ni hai aapne itna diya ke dono hathon se nahi samet pai.
Aap hamesha rahe ho mere liye,jab koi bhi nahi raha.Par aaj sach mein aapki bdi zarurat hai..mujhe nahi samaj aaraha ke kya karun,sahi decision liya bhi tha ya nahi.
Kahin bachpane mein aake galti toh ni kar di.
Main bahut dari hui hun babaji,plz raasta dikhao...plz ek bar ye sabit kardo ke haalat galat they hum nahi.
Mujhe raasta dikaho babaji"
She touched the floor to turn around and leave when all of a sudden her eyes landed on a man right opposite her bending down with a scarf tied around his head.
She saw him stand up and a creating a slight chaos around him.People were trying to not freak out because of the ambience but lets face it..not everyone knows how to keep quite when they see a celebrity.
Sana was dazed for few moments. It felt like a dream.But when he was kind of swaddled to the side outside by people sana knew he was here in actuality.
She looked up at the heavens and thanked god once again for answering her self doubt with such a resonating answer.
She wanted to run to where he was but sana kind of waited for people to leave him alone and when it all seemed a bit died down and he was on the lane back to exit,sana walked right behind him.
She knew he was here for her because of the way his eyes were searching all around for her.
Sana slid the dupatta on her head to make a veil big enough to hide her face and neck altogether and the fact that it was night almost was playing in her favour.
At one point she even heard sidharth mumbling
"Sana kahan hain yar"
She wanted to jump at him but she knows it will create unnecessary scene and she respects this place way too much to do it like that.
As soon as sidharth was by the exit he was calling shehbaaz.
"Nahi yar,i was so sure but...aur thoda toh chaos hota na...sana aai hai idr toh..mujhe toh dhar liya tha logon ne ek baar mein....nahi chal main sochta hun kuch "
Sidharth went ahead and sat on one of the sacred pond stairs.
He had no idea what to do next,when he saw a woman sitting extra close to him.
Sidharth slid a bit and tried focusing on the divine vibes but this woman was being was being way too weird with constant staring and for some reason she has her entire face covered.
Sidharth thought what if he gets stabbed the first time he was alone in public actually for some peace and not meeting anyone.
Damn...he was about to stand up when she held his hand.
And sidharth was about to flip but he saw her hand and that ring.
He can recognize that ring from space.
Sidharth felt his heartbeat stop for a second and he whispered her name like a plea
"Sana"?
Sana-Bahar chal....bahar baat karenge.
Sidharth was about to say something but she was already walking out the premises.
And he followed suit .
When they were at a safe distance, sana gestured him to get in the car.
Sidharth did just that and sana walked into the car and threw the scarf in the back seat.
Sid-Wo meri gaadi...
Sana-Parking mein rehne de...50 minute ki baat hai..koi aake le jayega.
Sid nodded and before he could say something else,sana drove them back on to the road to their home.
There was so much he wanted to say but right now he was just looking at her dark circles ,puffy eyes and red nose.
She was crying,he felt like absolute crap.
Sid-Wo..main...Happy anniversary.
Sana sighed painfully and said
"Ghar jaake baat karte hain"
He nodded and pressed the music button to drown this uncomfortable silence.
And the song played making both of them move in their seats.
Sidharth was stealing glances at her every now and then but she wasn't giving anything away.
He had to ask her one thing though....so he went for it as soon as the song ended.
Sid-Tum dopahar se wahan thi,kisi ne pechana ni?
Sana-Main phle seva ke liye gyi thi...orphanage bhi aur old age home bhi...dono jgh donation ki.
Udr hi baithi thi,man shant nahi hua toh yahan aagyi...idr bhi seva ki thodi fir andar baithi thi koi 40 minute hue honge to tere aane ki shor suni.
Sid-Han?
Sana-Han udr hi thi jab logon ne teko ghera tha.
Sid-Mujhe kaise ni dikhi tum.
Sana-Muh dhaka hua tha,waise bhi aisa haal mein koi pehchan bhi ni skta.I look like a mess.
She sniffled and sidharth bit his tongue.
She was still angry he was guessing.
He didn't say anything further and they entered home.
Her mother and brother both were about to say something when sana said
"Mummy....hum bat karenge phle fir aapse baat karungi main,shehbaaz sidharth ki gaadi mandir ke peeche wali parking mein hai,udr paunchega toh call karna fir btaungi"
Sid-Teko de denge?
Baaz-Han bhai,wo dost hai apna udr lga hua hai jo..meri gaadi hai usko no.pta hai.
Sid nodded and both of them ran upstairs to get the hard part over with.
.
.
.
*THE TALK*
They were sitting on the bed and both of them were thinking how to start this.
Its not everyday you have life changing discussions with your partner.
Sana decided she wants to go first because she has more to say than him she believed.
Sana-Sidharth saaf saaf baat karungi kyunki ghumane ke chakkar mein aaj yahan khde hain hum.
Sid nodded.
Sana-Pehli cheez jo maine dekha ya jo kuch bhi wo sb hua,tujhe smjhna pdega k mera dukh mera gussa ldki ki wjh se nahi tha,is baat ki wjh se tha k maine tujhe warn kiya tha k ye log ye adat humare beech mein problem karegi lekin tune meri baat ko poori trh nazarandaaz kar diya.
Her voice was quavering but sidharth wanted her to go on.
Sana-Toh jab tu mere room se ld ke aagya tha k main kartik se hamari shadi ke baare mein baat kyun kar ri hun, wo galat tha sidharth.
Wo galat tha kyunki tera raat bhar sharab peeke strip club mein baithna bhi logon ko yahi proof de raha tha k tu meri ya hamari shadi ki kitni kadr karta hai.
And then came the waterworks, sidharth wanted to defend but she raised the hand.
Sana-Unki itni himmat kabhi nahi hoti k ldkiyan booth mein introduce kra di jab tak tu unhe utni choot nahi deta.
Mere bar bar bolne ke baad bhi tune un logon se connection kam nahi kiya aur uski wjh se itna bda siyapa hogya.
Main bahut takleef se nikli par wjh sirf new year wala incident nahi tha.
Ab dekhti hun toh smj aata hai k ek glti toh meri bhi thi.
I wasn't ready to grow up.Mujhe wahi lichad romantic phase permanently chahiye tha chahe tera dimag theek ho ya khrab aur ab mujhe smj aata hai k wo tere liye kaisa raha hoga.
Kyunki main upset thi to merese ek anniversary post ni daali gyi toh main jb tujhe kaam ke beech mein ya busy rehke pyar dene bolti thi toh ab smj aata hai easy nahi hota.
Tune bola tha mujhe ke fairy tale nahi hai sana...aur us waqt tu sahi bhi tha.
Lekin ek cheez hai aaj jo main bolna chahti hun.
Han ye fairy tale nahi hai par ye koi movie bhi toh nahi hai.Differences hain solve ho jayenge lekin ek cheez hai jo main kbhi bardasht nahi karungi aur agar wo waisi hi chali toh shayad dikkat ho skti hai.
Sid-Kya?
Sana-Disrespect.
Sid was confused, "maine kab tumhe disrespect kiya"?
Sana-No,its not about what you did..its about what made me feel disrespected.
Ho skta hai teri rule book mein wo batmeezi na ho lekin agar mujhe usse thes lgi toh mere liye wo galat hi hai.
Jaise main bahut try karti hun k tere lihaz se chezen smjhun...par bura manne wali baat ni hai.Meri teri umar mein jo frk hai wo experience of life mein bhi toh hai.
Agar Maine teri jaisi life nahi ji toh tune bhi toh meri jaisi life nahi ji hai,hai na.
Toh meri suggestions ko ignore karna disrespectful hai,jab tu mujhe direct koi cheez bolne k bjaye usko mansplain karta hai wo disrespectful hai.
Tera apne aap ye assume kar lena k i will overreact and will judge you,is disrespectful.
Kyunki itna toh kmaya hoga na rishte mein maine k tu mujhe bhi kabhi benefit of doubt de.Tu meri har glti ko gunah bna deta hai aur apni har galti ko situational.
Aisa nahi chalega,ye shadi chlegi toh aise k dono khush hon...warna mujhe formality nahi karni.
Mujhe dar lgta hai sidharth jab koi glti kar deti hun k pta ni ispe kitne din ldai hogi,ab kya karega?Baat ni karega?Btaun ya na btaun?Itna dar agar baat btane se phle lg raha hai toh zahir baat hai rishta kamzor hi hai na hamara.
Chahe dono ki glti se hai par hai na.
Meri teri mom ko jhooth nahi bol skti...lakhon croron fans hain main unke saamne fake ni kar skti.Meko nahi chahiye aisi shadi jidr main apna best friend kho chuki hun....mujhe pati tbhi chahiye jab meri dost usme hai.Nahi toh pati ki bhi zarurat nahi hai...shadi dost se hui thi isiliye main khush thi.
Shadi ke phere mein bhi bola tha,ek hi vachan hai jo change nahi hoga. BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.
Toh meri bas yahi baat hai ke ya toh tu mujhe har lihaz se apne brabar treat karega ya fir honest rahega.Mujhe bura lagega isliye man maar raha hai toh baad mein kbhi bolega wo rishta nahi chahiye.
I love you and i want us to be happy but not at the cost of each other's happiness.
She was done and she sat down,sidharth offered her some water and inhaled.
Sid-Pehle toh i am so sorry for putting you through this,meri galti kam thi ya zyada..it doesn't matter.
I should have followed you home instead of continue working.
Mujhe hamare liye aur fight karna chahiye tha.
Par main us incident ki full responsibility leta hun shehnaaz. Main promise karta hun aisi situations mein dobara involve hi nahi hounga jahan there is even a slight chance of this happening. That moment was my solo mistake, i blame no one but the habit that dragged me there every night and now i understand why were you so stressed about it.
Main apne gusse mein ye bhool gya tha k tere past mein ek aisa rishta reh chuka jahan pe you lost someone because of this thing only.
And i kept...i kept saying i am not him,i am different, i am better but sharabi sharabi hi hota hai,i realize it now.
Mujhe tumhare baat na karne ke baad achanak se realize hua k pyar to wo bhi tumhe bahut karta tha,wo bhi bahut fit aur strong tha then were drinking and drugs the only reason that drove him away from you?
Nahi...it was his reluctance to believe in you.If he would have believed in you when you said he should stop,he would've never lost you.
And in that moment i realized i was doing the same fucking mistake.
Mujhe teri kasam sana us moment se maine aur kuch nahi socha siwaye is bat ke tujhe milke kahunga kya.
How can i possibly make this upto you?
Itna ego utha liya tha sar pe k i was thinking you are having a problem with the way i am living my life, but now i know.I know you had a problem with the way i was wasting it.
Sidharth was crying profusely now.
That is not life.This is life.
He rested his head in her lap while she was on the bed and he was on the floor.
This is what being married means.It means making ourselves better,not only for the other person but also for ourselves,and i know this now.
So i am sitting at your feet telling you...i am done.
I am done drinking,i haven't done it ever since the day you left for home and i am not going to do it ever again in my life hopefully.
I want you to come home to me without worrying if i might be in my senses tonight.
Baby...he looked into her crying eyes.
"You will help me with this right"?
He looked into her eyes and sana hugged his head to her chest.She cried and whispered yes multiple times.
Sidharth rose up and connected their lips together. He was so happy right now.
He kept kissing and apologizing and sana just sort of fell back down on the bed with him on top of her kissing her.
After a while when he was out of breath.
Sidharth was playing with her fingers and he mumbled
"There is something else i wanna tell you before we be done with this"
Sana-Han bol na.
Sid-I will work on everything you just said but there is something i would like for you to work on as well.
Sana nodded and sidharth said
"Tere life mein aane se phle i wasn't a very expressive guy,i was very good at faking it i guess"
But when i really fell for you,i did eveything i could to make you happy romantically i mean.
I mean,the star gazing,the dancing the constant complementing. That is not me sana...I did all that to keep you happy.
Mujhe pta hai wo teri khushi nahin hain par i think you know what i am trying to say.
I did a lot of dumb goofy things to make you happy ,but as we are progressing in our lives,Mujhe ehsas hua k role aap forever ke liye play nahi kar skte.
Tujhe shayad farak bhi ni dikha hoga lekin maine wo sb itna dil se le liya k tune thoda bhi point out kiya na toh mujhe ekdum hurt ho jata tha k bas ek din nahi kiya toh shuru hogyi.....yahi dikkat hai bas.Apne chor ke chakkar mein tujhe suna deta tha.
But it all came from a very unhealthy place...not a place of affection but a place of duty aur shayad isilye wo waqt ke sath exhaustion mein change hota chala gya...isliye main itna bol raha tha k shadi ke baad sab rainbows nahi ho skta sana,kyunki that wasn't my way and it still isn't. I do that for you.
Toh tere se bas ye help chahiye k main kuch bhi karunga i will look like the bad guy....people consider men not being able to be affectionate as some sort of ruthless disgraceful disease.
I just..i feel like there is no way i can't be unromantic without being a complete jerk jo mere liye acha nahi hai.Toh main chahta tha k agar tu thoda sa realistic ho jaye about romance and that sort of thing toh i will feel a lot better.
Sana understood him at once.She held his hand and said
"Mujhe pta hai tu kya keh raha hai sidharth...expectations hi saari problems hain...ye movies dekh ke,fictions pdh ke hum apne aap ko compare karne lgte hain aur yahi cheez hamara peace ruin kar deti hai.
Aadhe se zyada time toh mujhe lgta hai main fans ke Karan sochti hun k chal kuch cute sa moment create karte hai,it will be so nice to get all the awwwws from people,lekin ye sb kitna toxic aur mushkil hai ye kyun koi movie ya fiction nahi btata.
Aise kaise ldka pair dbata hai aur har bar roti hui ldki ko chup karwata hai....jbki reality mein koi prefect nahi hota.
Mujhe smj aagya hai hamari sbki dikkat kya hai.
We want to believe that its all about good memories and happiness and romance lekin real stuff ki kisiko baat hi nahi karni hai...because that makes things to difficult to digest.
Main aaj kar ri hun tbhi 100% sure hun we will work.
(Any relationship that can be ruined by having a real conversation and expressing true concerns, was doomed from the beginning, plz don't waste your time in trying to protect something that's a lost cause)
Sid-Exactly,sidnaaz isliye nahi bna tha sana kyunki hum cute they ya romantic they ya we were goals.
WE WERE LOVED BECAUSE WE WERE REAL AND PEOPLE COULD RELATE.
They saw the tears and the fights.They saw what goes in the making of a bond and the pain of making it work.Par jaise hi humne wo chod ke sirf pyar pe focus kiya,it went downhill.
Sana*smiled*Toh solution mil gya na.
Sid-Kya?
Sana-Dekh...how about we each get 3 strikes at being ourself, mtlb ke lagatar 3 se zyada baar main lichad nahi ho skti aur lagatar 3 se zyada bar tu dry nahi hoga.
So not too much romance but not too much randi rona.
Sidharth laughed loudly.
"Randi rona...hamari shadi ab ye hogyi hai"😂....chalo sahi hai pehli anniversary pe ye bhi sahi hai.
He stopped when sana kissed him again.
Sana-Happy anniversary baby.
He hugged her and said
"Happy anniversary mera bacha,i love you"
She smiled and hugged him back.
Sid-Actually i have an anniversary present for you.
Sana-Haye...Maine toh laaya ni kuch.
Sid-Kyun?Tu charity ni krke aai hai din bhar?
Sana nodded and sidharth tapped her head.
"Acha bacha....close your eyes and sit on the bed"
She sat down and closed her eyes.After a while sana felt sidharth placing some paper in her hands.
She joked,"Sidharth divorce papers sath laaya tha kya"?
Sid-Chup be,gadhi...chal dekh isko chup chap.
Sana opened her eyes and read it throughly. She jumped in his lap and sidharth carried her off the floor.
It was a confidentiality form from an AA(Alcoholic Anonymous)
Sidharth has signed it already.
He whispered into her ears
"I told you I was serious "
She kissed his forehead and he said
"Biwi tu aur patli hogyi kya,damn woman you are light as a feather, chal bahar chalte hain for anniversary dinner"
Sana-Sachi....fir utaar mujhe.Ready hona pdega.
Sid-nahi just change and wash your face, aur chote aur maa ko bhi leke chalte hain.
Sana nodded and sid dropped her down.
She winked before she went to the bathroom to fix herself and as sidharth saw her disappearing he just looked at the almighty above and whispered the same thing sana did
"Thank you"
Because in reality or fiction...there will always be the creator that will fix things up if you are willing to work for them and we witnessed both those higher powers simultaneously in the chapter today.
1. God
2. An author!!!
.
.
.
Ola!!!!waise i wasn't trying to be blasphemous comparing myself to god.Its just the idea of a creator who maps out a world and gives everyone a role to perform....which is similar to an author, and that was the only similarity i was referring to!!!
How was this for a comeback babies????I wanted to keep it real but i refrained from any sort of hanky panky because I've mentioned it already i think.
The chapters that have places where we go to have a one on one with god,doesn't have anything like that. I just...i just feel wrong doing it.
Also this chapter is dedicated to ShahSAIR i know baby is going through the hardest times.
Stay strong angel....uparwala dukh utna hi deta hai jitna hum bardasht kar payen.You are a lot stronger than your pain,i cannot wait to give you a virtual hug and have you back with me!!!!
God bless each and everyone of you for so many sweet comments and messages and what not .
And those who had no idea where i was or why i was missing....excuse me?You don't follow me or happened to check my wall?
I thought we were friends😭.
😂all jokes aside...
An update about my health.
So nothing is wrong with the insides..cheers to that🥂.
But i do wanna tell y'll the routine that got me fucked up and see if y'll can relate because if you do,change it asap.
I teach in college and the semester system leaves me with 4 classes that i have to take because one of our deptt. Colleague is expecting and on a leave.So regularly i have about 4 or 5 hrs of zoom teaching sessions, then the private institute i work at after hrs also insisted me to take one batch online that wanted to learn from me as in they asked for me.
So kind of 6hrs of being on phone and then comes the wattpad darling.
So typing, editing on the desktop and posting everyday takes atleast 4 hrs of time scattered throughout 24hrs.Now mind you i can't teach from the desktop because of the 2g internet thing in jammu.
On phone its a bit better than on big devices like my laptop or desktop. I am residing in a village on a hilltop from last few months ,so wifi was out of the questions. We don't even get electricity for over 10 hrs here ,there is no way wifi is coming to this place for another 30 years or so and i am being a bit optimistic when i say that.
You combine all the hours on the screen it will come close to 10hrs and we haven't included the youtube binges, the tv shows,the instagram,the diy videos,the asmr and that sort of stuff.
Give or take 12 to 14 hrs i am on a screen.
The only time i am not on it is when i sleep for 6hrs and when i am cooking or eating.
I don't think after this information you need a doctor to tell you whats wrong.
The headaches got real bad after quarantine only,before that i was absolutely fine.
So now your girl has given up the private classes and teaches two sections combined to save time.
Its so much more work but less screen time at least.
Doctor said its all about my eyes,the better they will feel.The less headache I'll get.
So that is what your girl is doing from last 3 days and will continue to do so jab tak main gandhari se naintara na ban jaun😂.
By the way kudos to me for not checking my phone at all for last 3 days...like i used to receive calls and then give it back to mom...because of the temptation of me checking up socials and then not being able to resist spending time there.
I will be a broke ass bitch soon though because i won't be able to make money like i used to... as I've decided i need my eyes more than i need that green....so if you see a go fund me link in my bio on Instagram..you will know why😂😂😂.
Lamba tha..lekin socha alag alag btane se acha sbko ek hi baar bta dun...k tumahri ldki ne classes tyaag di hain aur ab uska screen time automatically kam hogya hai and now she will be better soon.
I am also eating healthy and that means i have to drink milk..which i don't like at all.😭😭😭
So keep loving,keep praying and ofcourse i love you!!!!