I can see myself leaving soon. My hands are sweating, clammy as I sit in the sedan chair to make my way to the Emperor. It was time for me to tell the truth. I was afraid if I was too nervous, I'd mess things up and make things even worse.
It was two in the evening, fairly early to be visiting the Emperor, but he wasn't busy today. If anything goes wrong, Jaxon and I would make a run for it. I already pulled a few strands from my hair. After submerging ourselves in water mixed with the weird recipe Jaxon found in the book, we would leave.
But I wanted to end things off with the Emperor at a good term. I didn't want him to hate me. I didn't want him to be hurt. I wanted peace and I wanted to leave, knowing that I left a good mark in this world. There was no plan I came up with. It was rough, almost like a bullet note in my head because I felt like it was good to go with the flow. I didn't want to seem ungenuine.
"Greetings to Your Majesty," I solemnly bowed, deepening the dip of my head.
My heart was beating while my hands were sweating puddles. I could feel my adrenaline rushing through my veins, shocking my body into a fight or flight mode. The heavy fabric of my attire was the only barrier to hide my anxious self.
His back was facing me. He was facing the embroidery of the dragon I made that was propped nicely on the cabinet in his bedroom. I continued to keep my head down, as I waited for him to address me.
There was an unfamiliar vibe to him. I couldn't pinpoint it, but I felt uncomfortable in the room that had been comforting in the previous weeks.
Finally, the Emperor turned around. "At ease."
"Thank you, Your Majesty," I responded with a slight smile. It was so small that it almost looked like I was pouting.
I couldn't lie. I was afraid. I was afraid of how he was going to react to what I was going to say. Will he believe me? Will he get angry at how I was trying to deceive him? Or will he laugh at me and tell me to stop joking around?
"What are you here for?" he asked. He looked at me with his eyebrows slightly knitted, but he kept the gentle expression on his face. Besides, I still was vulnerable after the ambush.
With a lack of confidence, I walked towards him. He stayed still as I took his wrist with his palm facing up. Slower than ever, with a shaky hand, I removed the Empress pin from my hair and placed it on his palm. My breaths were becoming irregular.
My eyes were watery, but I ignored my urge to cry. As I clasped his fingers over the pin to secure the pin in his hand, I noticed that he didn't say anything. He kept his silence the entire time. And it alarmed me because I expected him to say something sooner.
Removing the intrusive thoughts in my head, I took a few steps back. I nervously looked up at the Emperor who remained stoic.
He brought his hand down. His fingers played with the pin. "What's going on?"
"Your Majesty, I have to confess something," I whispered. "You may need to sit down to hear this..."
He obliged and he made sure to pull a seat for me to sit on. His hands continued to play with the pin. His eyes continued to watch me like a hawk.
When I adjusted, I took a deep breath in and exhaled. "Your Majesty, I'm not from this world. I'm from the... I'm from the future. Not the future in the way you think—I'm from another world that is over a thousand years later than this world."
"I got into an accident and I woke up in this place," I averted my eyes from him. It would make it worse for me to tell him this while looking him in the eye. "... Lei Shu and Hua Er were the two people who found me. I told them my story, and they told me that Lan Yun was in the Palace who also had the same problem as me."
My lips were trembling while I spoke now. I almost choked up on my words. "T-Then, I came here. I didn't know anything about the harem and I had to toughen myself up. Lan Yun and I both wanted to go home, so he found a recipe dated a while back... It showed us how to get home."
Tears were forming already. Nothing I could do would prevent me from crying. All I could do is sit there and tell my story and brace myself for judgement. The Emperor was silent through everything I said, and I was afraid this was truly it. This was when I would lose him forever.
However, I continued onwards. I had to tell him the truth no matter what. He was listening intently even with the tears running down my face.
"... I-I didn't know I'd end up as the Empress but I did... One of the ingredients in the recipe that I had to use was a strand of hair from an at least three-month reigning empress," I spoke softer this time. "I was planning to get it from the late empress, but... of course it didn't turn out right. I didn't mean to hurt you, Your Majesty"—I quickly paused to try and collect myself but I couldn't—"I-I just wanted to go home."
When I looked up at the Emperor, he was still staring at me. His eyes were piercing while he was in thought. But I pressed on. "It wasn't supposed to be like this... but I apologize for leading you on... I felt guilty when you made me 'Empress', even when I expressed that I didn't love you."
"I thought," I sniffed. "How kind... How considerate... How great of a man to do this for me... And I"—I looked up at him again—"I feel so... guilty, Your Majesty. I feel like I betrayed you. I feel like I am a traitor and I want to let you know that... you impacted me a lot."
My tears were rolling down quickly and I lost it. I burst into tears, bawling my eyes out in front of the Emperor. My chin was quivering as I tried my best to keep myself from embarrassing myself even more, but it didn't work.
However, I continued to speak.
I looked away from him. "I'm not from here, and I want to go home, Your Majesty. But before I leave, I just want to say that you are the greatest emperor I've ever seen. I've studied the history of Imperial China for a little bit on my own, but I have to say that you are by far the best one I know."
"And... I-I don't know what else to say," I cleared my throat. "There's nothing else to say... I just... I'm from the future and I want to go home? I slightly manipulated you and now I have everything I need to go home..."
The Emperor slowly moved closer. "Ying Yue..."
I couldn't let him speak. I had to continue. It was the right thing to do. I had to tell him the truth and I had to apologize to him. No matter what, I had to.
"So now I'm apologizing to you right now. I don't blame you if you don't forgive me but... I hope you the best... sincerely. I know. I lied. I'm not from here and—" I began.
"Ying Yue," the Emperor interrupted sharply.
My heart almost stopped at the tone. He was less gentle this time, and I didn't want him to lose his patience. I slowly raised my head to face him. "Yes, Your Majesty?"
He sighed. I didn't expect him to look at me like that. He looked the same as he did before I spilled the beans. He stared at me with a straight face. Not even a slight surprise... Not even a laugh.
The Emperor rubbed the bridge of his nose and looked around for a second, then turning back to me. "Ying Yue, I know."
"Huh? What? What do you mean you know?" I unintentionally gripped his knee, shifting my body to directly face him.
"I read a lot," he replied quickly. "The books about time travel and such things are in the Imperial library."
My whole demeanour changed. I stood up sharply from the seat I was sitting on and looked at him dumbfoundedly. This was a whole UNO reverse on me as I was now gaping at him. Then my mind went to work.
Fire. Flame was blazing inside of me. I couldn't believe it. "Is that why you made me the Empress? Was it out of pity?"
The Emperor shook his head. "Of course not! You were the right fit as Empress."
"Why didn't you tell me that you knew? Why didn't you tell me so I could go home earlier? Why didn't you tell me this so I could have avoided losing my friends and going through all of this? I could've avoided so much... emotions!"
If the Emperor helped me sooner... I didn't have to lose Guan Shu. I didn't have to lose Rong Er. Chen Xi wouldn't have to go through the late empress's blackmail. Chang Ying wouldn't have died in my arms. The late empress would've still been here.
Did he know how many things he could've prevented if he could've just told me he knew?
"I couldn't just ask you! If I was wrong, you might have thought I was crazy," the Emperor breathed. He looked away. "Besides, I thought I could convince you to stay... I thought—"
"You thought... You thought you could convince me to stay?" I shrieked.
This was the first time I was raising my voice at the Emperor and quite frankly, I didn't care. I was heated. What he did, angered me more than anything else he had done. Even putting me in the Cold Palace was not as bad as this! I was livid and he could tell. I didn't care. I felt disrespected.
"How selfish can you be? I could've been home without suffering from all the things that I've been through! I could've been home without all this weight on my shoulders and the emotional baggage I have to carry," I paused. I took a deep breath and turned around. When I turned back to look at him, I exhaled slowly. "Your Majesty, I'm still grieving over my dead friends!"
But I did enjoy this journey. I didn't want to tell him nor admit it, but I did enjoy this journey... And I did learn things. I did... Didn't I? I learned not to trust people. I learned that having all the things you want won't make you immune to conflict, and having nothing helps you strive for better. Most of all, I learned that I'd make a great leader.
There were negative sides to this journey. I've been through a lot, but I wouldn't have traded it for anything in the world. I was infuriated that the Emperor had purposely been oblivious, but I did learn from everything. I learned to appreciate what I've been through as well. Losing the people I knew hurt and that was the worst part, but I couldn't believe that I survived the harem and lived to see myself as an empress.
The pain, the tears, the laughter, the smiles, the danger, and the schemes... God, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I needed this. I needed this trip to find who I was. I needed this trip to test myself. I am an ambitious woman, if I do say so myself.
Lastly, I've become more positive... I want to think. I kept my head held high and I knew I was going to succeed. Although I had doubts, they were soon washed away. Nobody I knew could pull this off. Nobody.
After the silent reflection, I sighed heavily. I could feel my eyelids puffing and my head slightly dizzy so I sat down again. My hands were less shaky now. "I'm not as mad anymore after I did some quiet thinking... But I'm still mad at you."
"I had a general idea when you were a Noble Consort. When you were an Imperial Noble Consort, I confirmed it with the level of intelligence you had," the Emperor paused. "Not because you were a woman, but because it was impossible to know all these things... Even my advisors wouldn't have this kind of knowledge."
"Also, I was still suspicious about how you learned to fight," he slightly smiled. "I've never believed your backstory."
The Emperor, still holding the pin in his hand, held my gaze. "I was going to bring it up at the abandoned shrine but we were ambushed before I could address the situation."
He couldn't have prevented it. The only thing he could've prevented was the death of Chang Ying and the late empress... Two women... who died in my arms... The two women he loved... He could've prevented it.
It was his loss.
But I was still mad. Chang Ying was still a good friend to me, and although she's a rat, I still felt terrible. She confessed her wrongdoings herself... She could've turned things around but she went along with it. That was a true friend.
"Oh..." was all I could say.
Then again, could it be that the Emperor knew I would scheme against Chang Ying and the late empress? ... Did he want to get rid of them as well?
Was he just using me? ... No. I was just finding more ways to be angry with him, but I don't think I was wrong to.
I looked at him. "So you made me the Empress to subtly convince me to stay? You thought that if I had the 'Empress' role I would stay with you?"
"It wasn't just that. I know. I understand you're mad at me but you had the potential to run the harem and help me with state affairs," the Emperor whispered. "You had this fire in you, and I wanted someone like this to be by my side... I-It wasn't like what you're thinking."
The Emperor slightly smiled. "Even you knew. You knew you were the right fit to be the Empress. I know you did."
I didn't know why I was so mad. I did enjoy being an empress, but if I could just go back home early... My cheeks were burning and my throat as well. I wanted to scream at him but I wanted to rage quit this game we're playing. Back and forth, like a virtual ping-pong game.
"I-I don't even know to say..." I whispered. I stood up.
"Ying Yue..." the Emperor gently took my hand.
So I did the next best thing to do. I turned to leave. As I walked towards the doorway, I stopped myself. I remembered I came here to have this conversation. I needed this conversation and I can't postpone any longer. I can't be dramatic right now. The Emperor and I were to end off on good terms.
I can't break a promise to myself, can I?
"How could you?" I turned around.
"I apologize. I was... I was being—It's my fault. I should've told you when you were still Madame Ying Yue," the Emperor continued to stay seated. He raised his chin to look at me and gave me a lopsided smile. "But you are a remarkable woman. I promise you that."
I shook my head and scoffed. I know I was.
He stood up, but he didn't come to me. "You lied to my face... many times. You've implied many times that you'd stay here. Remember when I gifted Dragon to you and you never said anything about it? You acted as if you were going to stay here and take care of her..."
"I built a palace for you but your stay was temporary," the Emperor continued. "Have you lied then? You lied and said you'd stay here forever. You lied and implied you'd raise my children. Both of us, we're liars."
The Emperor paused. We were staring at each other now.
My parted lips were shut now. I listened instead because it was the harsh truth. Never once have I spoke up and never once had I made an excuse to not build that palace or... anything really. I went with the flow and I never did anything.
The dried-up tears on my cheeks hurt for me to speak, so I didn't.
"I love you. I know you won't love me, but I love you," the Emperor's voice boomed but nobody else was in the palace. "It was selfish of me and I hope you can forgive me. If you don't... then I can accept it."
Like a deer under the headlights, I stayed still.
I've never been through this kind of situation before. Two men confessing their love to me back to back... it was a shock for me. The Emperor was never someone who would say something like this, or not in my perception of him at least. My mouth was dry. I suddenly realised.
Jaxon. He knew about Jaxon, didn't he? I told him the truth about Jaxon as well and still, no reaction.
"So... you knew that Lan Yun and I... were both from another world?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
He nodded. "I only found out when he took an arrow in the chest for you. Also, he is extremely intelligent and his knowledge is far more advanced than the advisors I had, which is why I had my suspicions."
"When he dived in front of you, that was when I confirmed it," the Emperor took a deep breath in. He sat back down on the bed. I could see his adam's apple bob. "You and Lan Yun... Are you two—"
"No," I sharply replied. I quickly shut him down. There was no way I would let him think this, and there was no way I'd be with Jaxon right now. "I didn't know him when I came here. We started becoming friends here, Your Majesty. That's it."
The Emperor had a look of relief on his face, but he tried to hide it. It was bad enough to be two-timing them but at least I put an end to it. I'm not going to lie to myself. I had flaws. Everyone did.
Everything that I've been through, I felt stronger. Who I am as of now is way better than who I am a year ago, that's for sure. I'm glad I've learned, and I'm glad that I fed my ego as the Empress. There were good things and bad things during my time here. Life runs on positive and negative situations; everyone will always face difficulties no matter what. It makes them stronger. It makes them powerful. It makes them wiser.
I thought I'd be safer as the Empress but I thought wrong.
Then I guess it gets to the point where I had to address the villains I've eliminated. Who am I to judge the late empress or Chang Ying? I've done things similar to what they've done. It was every woman for herself in this social Darwinistic setting. Everyone had flaws. Everyone.
I chose to forgive the late empress and Chang Ying. That was how I was going to move on. I've already won. I didn't need to dwell upon the past anymore. I had it all, and when I go back to my time, I'm going to do this all over again.
Maybe I needed this. Perhaps this meant to happen. This was my destiny, and I've made history. All that was left to make was the future. Literally.
"Your Majesty," I bowed. "You are one of the best men I've ever met. You will make this empire proud, I believe it. In my world, women have many rights and freedoms, we are equal to men. It may not be perfect, but it was far better than... history."
Again, I was shedding tears. "You were very open-minded with my suggestions. Some men in my world wouldn't be... I respect you. I have so much respect for you and I love you so much... as a friend. I wish you the best."
The room was filled with the sound of my cries. I heard the Emperor get up and his fast footsteps as he rushed to embrace me. His body wrapped around my petite frame and he held me as I cried in his chest. The last time I cried like this, was when Guan Shu died.
I stayed burying my face in his chest. I could've sworn I heard a sniff above me.
The Emperor cleared his throat. "I have to be honest with you. The future seems better than the civilization now and I was open-minded of course, but I wanted to see your views on everything."
So he used me as a scapegoat? ... The countless insults from the officials were easy to get over, but I was a little bit disappointed. He wanted to make the changes but he needed me to, so I could face the backlash? Whatever. The Emperor was still open-minded anyway. I didn't want to argue anymore. I just wanted to cherish this moment between us.
"I promise I'll do the best I can without you," the Emperor's voice was low, his voice soothed me.
After wiping my tears against the fabric of his mianfu, I pulled away. Our faces were still inches away from each other. When I peered up at him, I gave him a gentle smile. "I'm so used to being your empress that I don't know how I'll function when I go back..."
The Emperor's eyes glinted. I felt his hand wrap around my wrist, he brought my hand up with my palm facing upwards. I watched as he gently placed the pin on my hand.
"I-I don't understand," I returned my gaze to him as I held the pin in my hand.
"It's yours. The Empress pin is yours."
"What about—"
"The 'Empress' spot will never leave."
No way. There was no way he would do that. My heart was racing. I furrowed my eyebrows at him. "Really? Are you sure?"
"Yes," he nodded solemnly. "I'll have two Imperial Noble Consorts to deal with things. Right now, we only have one."
I looked away. "Right. Niu Lin."
'Madame Niu Lin' did have a nice ring to it, I guess. She was kind and she had changed as a person. But it was definitely because of me. I was glad I could influence her, and I was glad she was becoming someone I could actually interact with. After all the work I've made her do, she has never complained to me.
Yes. I trusted her now.
Still funny to me how I'd sworn to make her face my wrath, but now we get along just fine. Funny to me how Chang Ying was the one I should've looked out for.
I started to realise how ridiculous the Emperor sounded. I was never going to come back, he might as well start getting over me the second I walk out the door. He shouldn't deserve to be reminded of me. He deserved to find another empress on the throne.
Shaking my head, I gripped the pin tightly. "B-But why leave the spot vacant, Your Majesty? I could just fake my death or—"
"You can come back if you want, I'll devise a plan to keep this secret while the harem still functions," the Emperor leaned closer to me. "I believe you are able to come back."
I couldn't believe it. "Why? I... I can't..."
"I kept one of the books in my chamber. Lan Yun hasn't read it yet," the Emperor let out a gentle chuckle. "You don't have to stab yourself. The pin that is in your hands... you should be gentle. A little prick will have you transferred."
A big smile was spread on my face now. The joy, the happiness, the excitement as he told me this, eliminated the tension on my body. My shoulders were relaxed and my eyes were probably shining with glitter. I felt liberated, for some reason.
The Emperor was grinning with me and we both looked at each other like we won a great battle. But to win a battle, you lose a lot of soldiers.
He let out another chuckle. "Your lady-in-waiting, Hua Er, I believe, and her mother will continue to stay. Since Lei Shu has her own palace, she can either stay or move into your palace. I won't kick them out... If they want to leave, I will grant them a manor to live in."
"Even Dragon? Will my maids be alright?" I asked.
"Yes even Dragon," he smiled. "I'll make sure your maids will be, especially the maids you've been close with."
I did something that I haven't done in a while: crying tears of joy. I hugged the Emperor one last time. I was practically jumping in his arms. "I'll come back, Your Majesty! I'll come back!"
He wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on the top of my head. "Yes, you better."
Hua Yang as well. I was glad that I didn't have to say a final goodbye to her. The Universe works wonders and the gods were truly with me. Maybe it was Wan Er, who was watching over me as well. Her son received justice and now, maybe she was paying me back?
We continued embracing each other for a while before I realised that I needed something else.
Silk bolts. The amount of silk I could have when I get home... I was smiling just thinking of it. I could sell it, I could use it, I could do so much with silk. The Emperor could at least give me silk. I wouldn't ask for too much.
"Your Majesty?" I asked, pulling myself away from the hug. I kept my grip on his arms.
To my surprise, he was about to cry. His eyes were glossy and the tears floated, waiting to come out. Here comes my waterworks. The Emperor still had a smile on his face. "Yes?"
"M-May I have some silk bolts as well?" I choked up on the first word.
He laughed and nodded. "Yes. Anything you want, Ying Yue."