We decided to leave.
It was too dangerous for us, and I didn't want another rebellion knocking at my door. If I leave, the Emperor could be in peace. I couldn't think about the Emperor too much. Reflecting upon the memories I had with him was hard because we ended up being great friends.
The Emperor and I had a rough start in the beginning, but he made an impact on me. He was a great ruler; he made me feel empowered and assisted me after I could finally win his trust. I don't blame him anymore and neither do I want to. I had to let go of the past, but never the memories. With me being around, I felt as if I was tugging at his sleeve. I felt as if I was preventing him from truly prevailing.
He lost a woman he loved a lot, other than Wan Er.
Chang Ying.
I was at the fault for that. Now that I will be leaving soon, will he end up finding someone else to love? He had all these concubines but he didn't truly love any. Niu Lin was the only Imperial Noble Consort as of now, and the Emperor still hasn't promoted anyone to take the second slot.
The thought of the Emperor with Niu Lin didn't make me cringe. I accepted it. I was neutral about it. Niu Lin is somebody that I never expected to like, but here I am. I'd like to think I took full credit for transforming her into a better woman.
We talked. The Emperor and I talked in the morning and he was fairly worried about me. He gave me a lot of his love and affection, more than before. It was sort of weird but I guess it was because of the situation we went through.
The second prince was executed with torture involved. The Emperor didn't disclose the torture methods even when I begged. I did enjoy the sound of him being tortured. He deserved it and I had no mercy for someone like that. Between him and Prince Jing, I hated the second prince more. Maybe it was because Jaxon was harmed during his operation.
When I did speak to the Emperor, I wanted to tell him I was leaving soon. It was not a good time. It wasn't... but he had to know soon.
He was a great person; a great friend after all the shenanigans we've been through. I couldn't imagine not seeing him anymore. I still wanted to be there to help him out with a few things every week. Today, I did a lot of reflecting. I mainly laid on my throne with Hua Er on my side, who was pacing back and forth nervously while I was lost in my thoughts. She was quiet today, and I knew why.
I was going to leave soon.
My maids were already dismissed.
I was known to be eccentric living here as well as back in my era. But here, I was even more than that.
Empress Han, was the empress they've never seen before. I was sure I made history. I was sure that I impacted this nation. Not only did I impact this empire, but they impacted me as well. I learned a lot from here; many skills and values I can take home. No one will bow to me and treat me with as much respect as people treat me here, but I have gained the knowledge and wisdom of a lifetime.
Did I want to stay? That was the question I kept repeating in my head. I wanted to leave and go back to my family, but I could do so many things for this country. I had ideas and creativity. I could reign not as a trophy wife, but a leader.
I lost my train of thought when I saw Jaxon climb into the window. The bandaged wrap around his chest was hidden under his mianfu, and he looked normal. If you saw him, you wouldn't think he was in pain. Nonetheless, the wound was minor.
Hua Er smiled at Jaxon, then excused herself from the room.
"Happiness and peace to the Empress," Jaxon stood in the middle and bowed deeply. I always smile when he did it because I thought it was unnecessary.
"At ease," I responded.
When he looked up, he was frowning. There was never good news from him recently, and I was already prepared to hear something bad. However, this time, there something different from his expression. It was stiff and solemn. There was no trace of worry. I was afraid to hear what he was going to say. I should be used to it because this was occasional, but this time, I felt a different kind of vibe.
Did he read my mind? Did he guess that I was considering staying? At the end of the day, I'll force myself to leave. This was too dangerous and leaving was for the better. It was easy to make this decision, but hard to execute it.
"You and the Emperor," Jaxon took a seat. He then turned to the left to face me. "If you love him so much, you might as well stay here."
This was out of the blue. I felt my eyebrows furrow at the bluntness of the statement Jaxon let out. I gently placed the saucer with the teacup on the table.
My eyes met with Jaxon. I frowned. "Huh?"
He didn't react. All he did was stare blankly at me.
"But, I don't love him?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Then how did you manage to maintain the role of 'Empress?' Or even get that title in the first place?" Jaxon was interrogating me with all this hurt in his tone that I was gaping at him like a lost fish.
The thought of him assuming that I slept with the Emperor to become the Empress threw me off. I did say that I was going to seduce the Emperor, but I didn't think Jaxon would take that so seriously. The idea of that made me scoff. I became an empress through strategy. I am who I am because I was smart enough to get this title.
I shook my head. "What are you even talking about? You and me, we both know that I never slept with the Emperor! You—"
"I didn't mean sleeping with the Emperor! I meant... just... being in love with him and doing... love... stuff... Look," Jaxon stood up, and so did I. I walked down the steps to stomp towards him. He took a step back. "You don't have to lie to me to save my ego."
My throat was burning, I was on fire. I was gripping onto the armrest of the chair next to me as I glared at Jaxon. He continued to misunderstand and assume things, and I was sick of it. I thought he learned his lesson but quite frankly, I can see that he didn't.
Jaxon's jaw was clenched, and so was mine.
"I'm tired of this. I don't care anymore. Carmen, I want you," he spoke firmly. He took both of my hands and tugged me closer to him, but I hesitated. "All the times we spent together here... I'm happy with you. But you look so stressed; you look as if you want to stay."
I gulped.
He looked down. "And I don't want to force you to come back with me."
I'll let this one go. I wanted to yell at him and tell him off. How dare he assume that the Emperor and I were in love? How dare he assume such things!
There were rumours of us sleeping together, but Jaxon could've asked me. He could've set things straight for himself. But he didn't. The Palace gossips were made up of how I gained the title without giving the Emperor children. Did he not listen to those sources?
I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired of arguing.
Tears were already welling up and I was tired of crying too. I've been crying so often; it drained the very last joy in me. To make matters worse, I had so much guilt built up. No matter what, I end up being guilty about something new.
My decisions were final. I didn't love the Emperor, and neither did I love Jaxon. I guess I felt ashamed for leading on the Emperor and Jaxon as well.
But although Jaxon got on my nerves, I did see him as a potential boyfriend. He was someone that I could see myself with, but not right now. Definitely not right now. I saw him as a friend—just a friend. I wasn't ready.
"I want to leave! I can't stay here. I don't even love the Emperor," I cried. "I didn't tell you this but the Emperor and I were alone together and I finally—"
"I don't want to hear that!" he turned around, facing his back against me.
With the amount of frustration in my body, I gripped his shoulder and turned him around to face me. His stoic eyes were piercing.
"Let me finish! He was telling me about appointing me as 'Empress' but I couldn't face him," I sniffed. I felt the tears on my cheeks dry; they burned my skin. "I told him I didn't love him... and he might as well just banish me!"
His eyes widened. His entire facial expression changed, and I was feeling victorious. The light brown eyes of his, the beautiful colour that I get lost in, softened at my reassuring words. But he was surprised, and I knew it. I shook my head and looked away from him. I was in disbelief that he'd assume such things. "He forgave me and he treated me like a friend. That is why he's barely around me, that is why he keeps his distance."
"I want to go home! I want to leave and be with my family and friends," I looked up at him. My voice was loud, and my tone started to sound needy. I was whining, and I hated it. "And maybe you."
The tension between us was gone. There was a more understanding atmosphere in the room. I was glad. We both had our ups and downs, but we only had each other. I spent a little bit over a year with him, but I felt as if I've known him for eternity.
He was irritating sometimes but I guess it was all good intentions. Either way, I was still going home with him. I wanted to. There was nothing for me here. Yes, there was the feeling of being royalty, I enjoyed playing politician, and the friends that I've made here treated me well... but that was it. I had everything I wanted here. I've achieved so much and gained a lot of knowledge here that I could apply back to the modern world.
I've ended my journey here; I am currently at my destination. Now, I want to go back home and begin another journey.
"I can't reciprocate my feelings," I whispered. "But maybe we can try when we live in a modernized world... Thank you, for asking me if I wanted to stay, but I want to come with you."
Jaxon watched me. The entire time, he watched me. His eyes never left me when I made my whole speech.
"I didn't think of love when I came here. I don't care about love, I never did. I rose as an empress, and if the Emperor died, I would've risen as a ruler," I continued. I smiled at my last sentence. "But this isn't my home, Jaxon, and neither is it yours."
Would I completely reject him? No. I wouldn't. Who knows what would be in store for us when we get back... We'd get back with our hands held so we wouldn't lose each other when we leave. That was the way it would work.
A small smile crept onto my lips and it spread wider.
Home. The thought of going back home after this eventful trip was liberating. Although we haven't left yet, I was happy. Everything I've been through was all for good.
I slowly clasped his hand between mine and smiled at him. "I don't know how things will work after this, but we can try."